tomorrow is not just another day

To my darling Morgan-Lee

I have failed you as a mother. Now just hang on a minute, because no amount of “no you haven’t” being indignantly shouted at me will make me change my statement. But let me explain to you why I am at peace with this decision, and how admitting this will help shape me into a better mother for you and your siblings.

You my poppet, can be a bit of a handful. All too often I send you to your room to play, or send you outside to jump on your trampoline, or tell you that I’m just too tired when you ask me to join you. I tell you to hurry up in the bath, even though I can hear you regaling fantastic stories in the water, all whilst your fingers and toes go all pruny, and your lips are blue from the cold. I get frustrated when you’re lost in thought, or are distracted by something that I just don’t see, or choose not to see. I all too quickly want you in bed during the week, so that I can get to relax for a bit, but in doing so, I’m missing out on your childhood. Your innocence. Your want to spend time with me.

You LOVE bedtime stories; most children do. At least 4-5 times a week you ask for a story, and most of the time I say no; that I’m too tired. I’m so sorry my love. There is no excuse for me saying no. Yes I’m tired but that’s not your fault, and it certainly shouldn’t be your problem. You’ve also started asking for a lullaby every now-and-then, something I think that was brought on by the Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore movie “Blended”, and I’ve happily obliged. Admittedly enough I’ve had to Google the words every single time, but watching you wistfully smile up and me as I sing you to sleep, fills my heart so deeply and so beautifully I almost want to cry.

You just want to be involved in EVERYTHING! Sometimes this isn’t always possible, like cooking supper, or doing the shopping, but you’re so eager to help and be involved, and I’m so sorry that I haven’t included you more. I tell you far too often that “you’re a big girl now” but in actual fact you aren’t a big girl; you’re 6.5 years old, and you’re still my baby. You’ll always be my baby.

I’m so sorry that the past 18 or so months have been so tough on you, but my word how you’ve come out fighting. I know that I don’t pay nearly enough attention to you as I used to or as I should, and I can only use your brother and sister so many times as an excuse. I can only use my tiredness so many times as an excuse. Because in 10 years time, when you’re entering your young adulthood and probably want nothing to do with me, I’m going to yearn for these days, these days when I could do nothing wrong, when I was your hero, when all you wanted to do was cuddle and hug and kiss and love.

I know that I’m going to miss your butterfly kisses, your wet raspberry’s into my neck (which I detest), your tickle attempts, and your early morning cuddles. I know that I’m going to miss you coming to me to tie your laces, you asking me to zip up your jacket, and to put your hair up in a ponytail. I know that I’m going to miss washing your hair, scrubbing your nails, and your sweet innocence.

I’m so sorry that I have in a way, forced you to become more independent than you should be, and I promise you right here and now that your mommy is going to be making some changes, and has already started making those changes.

  1. If I am able to read you a bedtime story, dang it you’re getting one! No more excuses of I’m tired, or “maybe tomorrow night”. The same for your lullaby.
  2. You want to snuggle with me on the couch or in my bed or even in your bed until you fall asleep? You got it my angel. Every. Single. Time.
  3. You want me to wash your hair, even bath you? Done.
  4. You want me to watch you brush your teeth, and sometimes even brush my teeth whilst you’re brushing yours. Ok.
  5. You want me to be your make-up model… Yeah ok!
  6. You want to bake a cake? Well I haven’t burnt the kitchen down (yet) so why not?!
  7. You want me to walk you to your classroom, give you a hug and kiss in front of all of your friends? You don’t even have to ask.
  8. You don’t want me to walk me to your classroom because “you’re a big girl”? I won’t let you see the tears in my eyes as I wave you off my love.
  9. You want to hear how special you are, and how damn much I love you? That my sweet princess, you’ll never EVER have to doubt.
  10. And my final promise… I will never again say, “maybe tomorrow”, because tomorrow is not just another day. It’s the day that I ‘felt like spending time with you’. I always want to spend time with you, even when you think that I don’t.

I will never again use the twins as an excuse, or my long work day or lack of sleep as an excuse to send you off to your room to play alone, or leave me in peace. You are just an important as your brother and sister, and I am so damn sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren’t.

You are my princess-pie, my poppet, and I love you the mostest.

Mommy
xoxo

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my heart is so sore

I’m a mom. The twins will be 3 months old next Tuesday, and I have a 5 year old as well. Maybe that’s why this story is hurting me so much, I dunno.

Yesterday I was told that one of my colleague’s wife had a baby on Tuesday. She was 2 months premature, as the mom’s blood pressure had sky rocketed, and the little one wasn’t getting enough blood in her womb, so the doctor’s opted to deliver her early, essentially to save her life. So this precious little girl was delivered 2 months early, weighing a mere 780g. But apart from being in the NICU, she was ok. Weak, but ok.

She died last night.

She didn’t die because she was weak, because she was 2 months premature. She died, because there was load shedding (for those of you not living in South Africa, our power utility is a piece of crap and can’t keep the lights on, because they don’t know what maintenance is, thus they cut off our power anywhere from 2 to 4 hours at a time. They’re called ‘planned outages’ but they themselves don’t know what a schedule is, but that’s a story for another day) and the incubator that she was in, did not have an adequate power supply. There is an investigation into what exactly happened, but from what I’ve been told, the generators kicked in about 3 minutes or so after the power went out, and there was no UPS (uninterrupted power supply) keeping the incubator going in the interim.

Maybe if the little one had died from natural causes, it would be ‘easier’ to take in a sense, but this was preventable. Yes, she was 2 months premature, but premature babies pull through all the time. And what’s even scarier in a sense, is that this happened at the very same hospital that I had the twins at 3 months ago! I experienced load shedding 2 out of the 4 days that I was in hospital (yes, they even load shed hospitals) and what if my twins were in the NICU, in incubators? Would I even have twins now? I am so very grateful that I gave birth to healthy babies that didn’t require any medical assistance, but it doesn’t make my heart any less heavy and sore right now.

May that little princess soar above us in peace, knowing that she was loved for every second that she lived.

G

i’m a big girl mom

M-L is turning 5 next month. 5 people. I haven’t even begun to plan her birthday party, which for the past 4 years, has always been planned by this stage in the year. The main reason for this is that the venue that we’ve had her party at previously closed down in January, and I’m absolutely stuck as to where to have it this year. But M-L’s birthday and party are not what this post is about.

Yesterday I was running a wee bit late for work. Nothing unusual really, but I was concerned that I just might walk through the door after 8am. As I was driving into M-L’s school she told me that she’ll go into school alone. I asked her if she was sure, and she said yes, she wanted to. As I was in a rush, I didn’t think much of it, gave her a kiss and a hug, and off she went. This morning however, it was a slightly different story.

As we drove down the driveway to her school, she prompty turned to look at me and said that she’d go into school by herself again this morning. I looked at her quizzically and asked her if she was sure, and I told her that I really wanted to walk her into school. To which she responded

“It’s ok mommy. I’m a big girl now; I can go to school by myself.”

Well I didn’t have a comeback for that. I silently unbuckled her safety belt and unlocked the car doors, and she opened her door, hopped out and grabbed her back, looked back and gave me a little wave, with a “see you later mom, have a good day!” and off she went. She didn’t even look back.

My greatest wish is that I’m able to raise my children to be independant, self-reliant people, but sheesh! Starting a bit young don’t you think?! What happened this morning has been playing on my mind the whole day, and I know that when I fetch her this afternoon, that I won’t have to go inside to fetch her, as she will come out to me, bag in hand, ready to jibber jabber about her day in the car to me.

I’m so proud of the fact that she’s growing up so well (I’m obviously doing something right then – phew!) but if only she could stay my little princess for as long as possible… I think that’s every parents wish really.

Grow up slowly my angel, enjoy your childhood. Be a little girl, be a princess, be a tomboy and have no cares.

I love you.

Mommy

the orca is walking

I have been called quite a few names in my life. Some names have been pleasant, and some not so pleasant. Luckily my wild teenage years are far behind me, so I haven’t heard any unpleasant names in a while! My husband on the other hand, has a whole book full of names that he has called me, and the ironic thing, is that he doesn’t mean it in the way that it comes out.

Last Saturday he treated M-L and I to a Wimpy breakfast. I love Wimpy. I always have. I love the cheap tomato sauce, the cappuccino’s, the salty bacon and the whole atmosphere. It’s like a little diner to me. It was a wonderful morning; we sat and chatted, the husband played snakes and ladders with M-L, I enjoyed my second cappuccino in 3.5 months (I’m kinda off instant coffee at the moment) and it was just awesome, relaxing. When we arrived, he was on his cell to his mom. At some point during the conversation, his mom asked if I was showing yet, to which he glanced up at me and said the following:

“The orca is walking.”

His next comment:

“It’s ok ma, I can run fast.”

It was during his second comment that I asked him if he was referring to me as an orca. He shook his head and grinned. As it turns out, he WAS referring to me as an orca, as calling me a whale was too rude. Um dude, an orca IS a whale! Now a normal woman would probably have thrown her toys out of the cot, burst into tears and walked out of the restaurant. I on the other hand couldn’t stop laughing as I tried to hit him from across the table. I’m quite laid back about my appearance and my weight; I know that I have some weight to lose (but I’m pregnant so I don’t really care right now) and I know that I could put a bit more effort into my daily routine. I then reminded him of last year, when he told me that I should have bought a bigger dress, and then earlier this year when he referred to me as a milk cow in a horse race. We both then almost collapsed into a heap of giggles, whilst M-L was looking at us most probably thinking “how am I related to these two?!”

15 weeks today :) (spot the princess)

15 weeks today šŸ™‚ (spot the princess)

But on a happier note, I am ‘officially’ 15 weeks pregnant today, and I’ve started feeling ‘flutterings’. I don’t feel them all the time, and sometimes I really do have to analyse the feeling, as in some cases it’s gas (oops). Most of the time I feel the babies when I’m sitting on my couch after supper, just watching tv, relaxed. As much as I detested being pregnant with M-L, the one thing that I really do miss, is feeling her move inside of me. I was very fortunate, in that she never hurt me; she never kicked my ribs or back or kidneys, but she did interfere with a nerve in my groin for the last 2 months of my pregnancy which left me in utter agony, and true’s bob it’s happened again, although much earlier this time.

I have my next check up on Monday the 15th of September, when I’ll be 1 day shy of 17 weeks. I’m really hoping that we’ll be able to find out the sexes of the babies, as I’m not one of those women who can wait until the birth. I want to know NOW! I’m really hoping for 1 of each and the husband would love to have 3 daughters (I think I’ll cry) but right now, with all of the stress that I’ve been experiencing; thinking I was having a miscarriage, car accidents, insurance, finance houses etc (no we still don’t have a replacement car 1 month later) I just want the twins to be healthy. M-L has said that she really wants a brother and a sister and I really hope that her wish comes true. I must admit (not that I believe in any of this stuff, kinda, no not really, ok maybe) but I’ve pretty much gone off of sweet things. Apparently this means I’m having at least 1 boy, but with M-L I craved spicy food in my first trimester, and then lived on vanilla ice-cream and chocolate sauce for the remaining 2 trimesters! But I am even finding my tea too sweet, and I have that with 2 flat sugars. I even said no to pudding the other night! The other thing I’ve noticed is that I have to force myself to eat, because I have 2 little beings inside of me; my appetite has just disappeared. Everyone is asking if my appetite is increased, you know eating for 3! – but it honestly hasn’t. I’m a little worried but I’m not; my gynae is happy with my weight even though I’ve lost 100g each time I’ve seen him. We’ll see what he has to say when I see him in 2 weeks time.

Oh and wait; there’s more! At my last appointment 2 weeks ago, I asked about the scheduled c-section date, when he wants to take the babies out. All of the research that I’ve done has pointed towards a planned c-section at 36 weeks with twins. He very calmly said no, he wants me to go to 39 weeks. I actually didn’t know what to say. I barely made it to 38 weeks with M-L, actually I didn’t as she was born at 37 weeks and 5 days (planned c-section) and this time around it’s going to be in the heat of summer, and I’m carrying 2 children! 39 weeks?! He’s said that we’ll deal with whatever happens (early labour, not making it to 39 weeks) as it comes, but seriously… 39 weeks… I’m so uncomfortable now, and I have 24 weeks to go! No, I don’t do pregnant well šŸ˜‰

Anyway, I’d best be back to work seeing as I was off for 2.5 days last week with the most awful flu and viral infection, and being both pregnant and allergic to penicillin, I could practically see my GP laughing at me!

G

happy birthday! well ok, just birthday then

It’s my birthday next week. I will be turning 28. I don’t feel almost 28. I feel much older than almost 28. In-between a depressed husband, medication that has been zonking me out, my daughter that has been waking up every night thus waking me up and my insomnia, I feel old before my time.

I used to be excited for my birthday; I think most youngsters are. But as I’ve gotten older, I have cared less and less. Not because I’m all ‘woe is me’ blah blah blah, I just honestly don’t see the point of making such a huge fuss over a day. I think the last birthday I properly celebrated was my 21st, and even that was bleh. It was ok; I had a few good friends, my bestie flew in from Cape Town and of course my maternal family and boyfriend, but it was not exactly what I dreamed of for my 21st. You know what I’m most focussed on for my birthday? What sort of stupid cake I’m going to bring in for work. And even that is just so much effort.

It’s my birthday; if I don’t want to bring in cake, then why the hell should I? It’s just unfortunate that the intranet has all of the company birthday’s on it for each day, so even though I send out the birthday e-mails, I obviously don’t send out for myself. But someone always sees that it’s my birthday, and sends out the dreaded e-mail.

Meh.

You know what I am looking forward to regarding my birthday? I’m getting my stitches out from my surgery on my birthday šŸ™‚ . What a birthday present right?!

One birthday that I get so excited for every year, is M-L’s. I wish she would just stop growing up so damn fast, but I absolutely love planning her party, and watching her open her presents, and having a whole day to celebrate her being born. Because her being born is ABSOLUTELY something to celebrate. She hadn’t even had her Jake and the Neverland Pirates party last year, and she was telling me that she is having a Doc McStuffins party this year. I planned her party last year for about 8 months or so; at least M-L gave me a year’s notice this time around šŸ˜‰

So no happy birthday for me then; just birthday will do.

G