i really did want to push

I read a blog post yesterday that got me to thinking about my 2 pregnancies and subsequent births. Both were planned c-sections, but that was never the original plan.

When I fell pregnant with M-L in February 2009, the plan was a natural birth. I wasn’t on a medical aid, and natural birth is far cheaper than a c-section, plus the recovery time is quicker as well. Then we found out that my OBGYN had moved 200km away which kinda freaked me out, as no one wants to go into labour, pile into the car and then have to drive for a good 1.5hrs to get to the hospital. But, hey, it was doable and being a first pregnancy labour should last a while, right? Anyway, fast forward 5 months, and something was wrong. DOWN THERE. Now I’m not one for doctor’s, but when I’m pregnant I get paranoid. So off I went to the GP, who upon examining me, kicked my mom out of the room (that’s never a good sign) and gently asked how many sexual partners I’d been with recently.

I’m sorry, what?!

I had contracted an STD, genital herpes to be exact. I have never felt dirtier or more disgusted with myself, ever. Through a mixture of snot and tears, I told the GP that I’d only been with my husband (for the past 6 years anyway) and how did this happen?! Apparently this does happen in pregnancies, and it’s more common than a lot of women will admit to. Being pregnant, I couldn’t go on the antibiotics that are normally prescribed, so I was sent home for a week’s bed rest (if you’ve ever had this condition, you’ll know why – ow 😦 ) and life continued on as normal. At my next check-up with the OBGYN I told him what had happened, and that’s when he told me that a natural birth was pretty much out of the window. Heartbroken doesn’t even begin to describe it.

If a woman gives birth naturally whilst experiencing an ‘outbreak’, it is very dangerous for her baby, as if any of the blood is ingested by the baby, this can result in blindness as well as the baby now having the herpes simplex, and if you still opt for a natural birth, then your baby has to have a nasty injection once born, to combat any of the herpes nasties that will be harmful to him/her. I couldn’t do that to M-L; why should she have to suffer unnecessarily as well as have the risk of blindness, when there was another alternative? So, the husband and I decided, along with the OBGYN that a planned c-section was the safest way to go.

Before we found out that I was pregnant with twins last year, we discussed a natural birth with my OBGYN. I told him of my ‘condition’, and he said that there shouldn’t be any issues, and that many women have natural births after c-sections and that we’ll just monitor my ‘condition’. I was excited; this way my opportunity to experience labour, and to ‘push’. I firmly believe that a lot of my postpartum depression that I experienced with M-L, was attributed to the fact that I didn’t experience labour. I believe that labour is the body’s way of both mentally and physically preparing a woman not only for birth, but for becoming a mother. I walked into hospital, heavily pregnant, and walked out the next day in pain, with a baby. The bond wasn’t there. The connect wasn’t there. I was excited; I imagined me waking up the husband in the middle of the night, excitedly exclaiming that my water had broken and that we had to go to the hospital, you know, all movie-drama like. But alas, that wasn’t to be, as a few minutes after that discussion, we discovered that there was an extra invader in my belly. As much as a woman can birth twins naturally, my OBGYN didn’t want to take any chances, and said that he wanted to deliver them via c-section. Pop went that bubble.

I don’t feel any less of a woman because I’ve birthed my 3 children via c-section, but I do feel judged by some of my friends (and even random strangers) who have had natural births, like I have taken the easy way out. But I can assure you, there is nothing easy about a c-section. It’s scary, it’s painful and it’s not something that I’ve jumped into. It’s major surgery, and the time that could have been spent cuddling my newborn/s, washing bottles, folding baby clothes etc, was spent trying to get out of bed faster than a tortoise walking a meter without crying out in pain. And the postpartum bleeding after a c-section is no less than if you had a natural birth; I was shocked after my first c-section that I was bleeding, and so much, and for so long! So many woman think that you don’t after a c-section; believe me, you DO! After a c-section you aren’t allowed to drive for 6 weeks; a natural birth allows a woman to drive pretty much the same day, depending on what went on DOWN THERE. With a natural birth, things tend to shrink down to their ‘normal’ size relatively quickly (there is no normal size after pregnancy, I know) whereas with a c-section it takes so. much. longer. Being wheeled into the theater, drip in your wrist, catheter up your who-ha, having to schooch your big, heavy pregnant body over onto the operating table, having to somehow bend your body in half (impossible with a big ass tummy in the way) and then having to try and breathe through the needle being inserted into your lower back for the epidural, are all wonderfully soothing things that a woman looks forward to, right before bringing her child/children into this world. Right before her stomach is sliced open, her insides mooshed around, air filling every nook and cranny (air that she’ll know about for weeks after the birth) and a pressure unlike she’s every experienced before, all before welcoming her child into the world. Also with a c-section, the time spent with your newborn right after birth is not like the time spent after a natural birth. Because you now have to lie in theater for another 30-45mins (sometimes even longer) whilst your doctor stitches you back together, your baby is whisked away to the nursery, where the first bath is given, the first feed and you’re lying in theater, missing it all.

I wanted to push. I wanted to do that, be a ‘real woman’, whatever that is. But I couldn’t, and I’m ok with that. I have 3 beautiful, healthy children who are no worse off because their mommy didn’t give birth to them ‘like a real woman should have’. My mom had all 3 of us naturally, and I applaud her for that. Just like I applaud every other woman who has had a natural birth. Just like I applaud every other woman who has had a c-section. I applaud every woman that gives birth, whichever way she does so. I wish women would stop ‘comparing’ births; what matters is that your child is here, healthy and perfect, whether born naturally or via c-section.

Yes I wanted to push.

But I didn’t, and that’s ok.

G

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what i miss the most

I’m a runner. I’m a sort of runner. I’m a runner-walker. Well, I was.

Then I got pregnant. With twins.

Now I’m not a runner. Not even sort of a runner. I can barely walk let alone run. So I’m not.

Granted, in my ‘running days’ I was slower than a herd of tortoises trudging through peanut butter, but I loved it. I loved the release that running gave me. I loved my sore calves, my tight thighs, and my heart pounding in my ears. I loved the sweat on my brow, and the feeling of peace when alone.

That is honestly what I miss the most right now. I don’t miss coffee; if I feel like a cup I have a cup. I don’t miss alcohol, but I’m not a big drinker anyway. I don’t miss partying as I stopped my partying ways years ago. I miss running.

Yes, I’ll get back into it and believe me, I will! But with all of the stress that I’ve been under (finances, car etc) I would just absolutely love to go out for a run. At the moment I can barely walk 10m without getting out of breath, so even a 1km run is a no-no.

It seems what I miss the most, is also keeping me sane these days.

Because the thought of my takkies hitting the tarmac again?

*shivers & goosebumps*

G

the miracle of pregnancy part 3

Part 3? What happened to part 2? Yet another miracle of pregnancy right here people…

14. Preggie brain. Don’t let anyone fool you, or make you feel like a fool. It’s real people. You wanna know just how real? Last Monday I got to work, plugged in my laptop, and proceeded to throw a mini tantrum when I discovered that I was the only person that didn’t have network access. No emails, no internet, nothing. I phoned IT and the first questions they asked? Is your network cable plugged into your laptop? I swear the guy could feel me blushing through the phone’s handset, and I told him that this phone call never happened, and put the phone down.

15. Preggie brain x 4. Related to point 14; you know how women are advised to sleep on their left hand side (well, attempt to sleep is a more accurate statement; see point 12 in my previous post) because not only is it better for your circulation, it also assists in easing any heartburn that you may have. Well I discovered 2 weeks ago, that for the past 4 highly uncomfortable months (I’m not a great sleeper to begin with) that I’ve been sleeping on my wrong left. Yes, you read that right. I am right handed. Have been my whole life. My writing looks like something a 3 year old’s would look like if I write with my left hand, yet I was forcing myself to sleep on my right hand side. I had convinced my brain, or rather my brain had convinced me that my right was my left. I am now sleeping on my right left. My left left? Yeah, something like that.

16. Nausea. In my first pregnancy, I was very lucky and I know it. I felt mildly nauseous in my first trimester, but nothing hectic. I threw up once at work, and almost another time, but pretty much summed up my morning sickness. First off, a twin pregnancy is not like a singleton pregnancy, not at all. From the get-go you feel different, and that was before we found out that it was twins. The first few weeks weren’t too bad, but I had very strong waves of nausea that would just hit me, and I’d sit with my head in the toilet bowl, dry heaving for about 5 minutes. When I felt it safe to get up, I’d throw up. Delightful. The thing with a twin pregnancy, is that the preggie hormone is so much stronger than with a singleton, that it is so different. The last 3 weeks of my first trimester I practically lived in the bathroom (see point 11 in my previous post), and I’m shocked that the enamel on my teeth hasn’t been permanently damaged from the amount of vomiting I did. I know, what a beautiful picture. It isn’t, I promise.

17. Even if you’ve been pregnant before, treat this as your first time pregnancy. I have a beautiful, gorgeous, amazing 5 year old little girl, and I also had a relatively ‘easy’ pregnancy with her. Apart from a couple of my medical issues, she was born strong and healthy, and we went home 36 hours after she was born (I had a c-section btw). If you have been pregnant before, yes, it will help you to some extent, but a twin pregnancy is SO different from a singleton! I was showing at about 6 weeks, but because I was still carrying some of my previous pregnancy’s weight on my tummy, I just looked really fat. I was also so exhausted that I seriously thought I was going to lose my job, as I caught myself nodding off more than once at my desk. And then of course the nausea. See point 16 above.

18. Pain. Well, where to start. My womb, as it did in my first pregnancy, has decided that it REALLY likes the left hand side of my body. So much so that it has tilted, resulting in a pain that is similar to a pinched nerve, but about 5 x more intense. I cannot stand on my left leg getting out of the bath as my leg collapses underneath me, and I cannot lift my left leg high enough to get a pillow in between my knees when I climb into bed. Walking every now and then proves problematic and my leg almost gives out, but so far so good. The positive is that the pain disappears as soon as I’m not pregnant anymore… 3 months people, 3 months. In my first pregnancy this happened at about 6.5 months in; this time it happened at 3 months. Yay. Having my stomach cut open is less painful, I promise. In fact, I am looking forward to it.

19. Pain. Ligament pain. I have ended up in my gynae’s rooms for an ’emergency’ visit twice now due to pains that had me absolutely freaked out. I have never experienced labour but holy hell OW.  The doc then advised me (almost 6 months into my twin pregnancy – thanks doc for the ‘early warning’) that a twin pregnancy is so very different, and that I must treat it as a first time pregnancy. Everything is expanding at double the speed (no, really?!) and I will feel pain, especially ligament pain. He then prescribed me some lovely anti-inflammatories that I get to put up my bum (they work faster that way) and I must admit that they have helped. But as I’m a sucker for punishment, of the 20 that I got from the chemist, I have only used 2. I dunno; shoving something up my bum doesn’t really do it for me you know?

20. Cankles. The latest fashion accessory; your ankles merge with your calves and your toes become mini pork sausages. Well in my case medium sized pork sausages. I can’t wear my favourite sandals anymore, as not only are my feet aching within a few hours of wearing them, I look like Kim K (remember THAT picture) and NO. Just no.

21. How bumpy is your bump? My son is positioned above his sister, and every day without fail, he positions himself in such a manner that it looks like I belong on the set of Aliens. My bump changes shape to such an extent that the left hand side is almost flat, and the right hand side has this massive pointed mountain thing protruding. I assume it’s his ass, and if it is, he’s already received his first pat on the bum. If it’s not his bum, then I’ve probably knocked a few brain cells loose. Oops. My daughter also likes to kick me DOWN THERE, so much so that I’m expecting to look down there, or rather feel down there and grab a foot or a hand one of these days. It is so intense sometimes that I just stop what I’m doing as the pressure is just so strong and overwhelming. Like OMG have I just wet my pants strong.

22. Gas. Flatulence. Farts. Some days I feel like I could electrify my house with the amount of gas I release. See point 1 in my previous post as it all ties up. The even scarier gas related issue is when you’re not 100% that it is in fact a fart. When I pull one of those really funny faces, that’s one of THOSE times.

The point of these “Miracle of Pregnancy” posts has not been to scare women off from falling pregnant and having children; my daughter is my life and I cannot imagine my life without her in it. For some women pregnancy is an absolute breeze; they ‘glow’ (I don’t, unless I’m sweating from climbing those 16 stairs; see point 10 in my previous post), they have no pain and it’s just a wonderful experience. I am just one of those women who don’t enjoy being pregnant. I’m busy typing this, trying to swallow down the acid reflux that is burning my throat, as I forgot my antacids at home. Again. My back is aching, as the pinched nerve that I’ve had for a few years now, is exacerbated when pregnant, and even sitting down in uncomfortable. My eyes can’t decide what they want to focus on, and even though I’m due for an eye test, it is recommended that you DON’T have an eye test whilst pregnant, as pregnancy does and can alter one’s eyesight. I haven’t worn my wedding band in 3 months due to the swelling in my fingers, but my hair is growing at a rate of knots (haha, hair-knots… oh never mind) which as wonderful as that is, has resulted in thousands of little hairs deciding to sprout up, making me look like Simba the lion’s long lost sister.

Pregnancy is exciting and nerve wracking and my heart skips a beat every time I see my babies on the scanner thingie-ma-bobby. But seriously, if I could press a button and have a baby in my arms… I think you know what I’d choose 😉

G

the miracle of pregnancy

Pre-warning; this is a to-the-point, sometimes not-pretty, mostly humorous and 100% honest post about MY current pregnancy. If you don’t think you can handle this, please exit this post immediately.

Thank-you

Pregnancy. The miracle of life. It is also the miracle of a few other things, things that I’m going to share with you right now.

1. Constipation. Yup. Poo. Or rather, the lack of it. All of your insides are so squished and pushed into every available space that they more often than not forget to function properly, thus resulting in a lot of red faces being pulled, and a (sometimes) silent sigh of relief when it finally passes. I mean that literally.

2. Heartburn. Acid Reflux. Indigestion. Basically your chest burning from the inside. And no, water does absolutely nothing for it, not even dilute the acid even a little bit. Antacids become your sweet of choice, and you seriously consider giving up all forms of food if it would help. But sometimes the acid pays you a visit anyway, cause it can. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Standing does help a bit because the little bit of space that your stomach (not tummy, stomach) has inside of your chest/tummy cavity increases just a little bit, but at 6 months pregnant with twins, currently 89kg (that’s 196lb) standing for more than 5mins at a time becomes almost redonkulous.

3. Back to point number 1 – slowly losing your independence when visiting the ‘ladies’ room. I am currently at the stage in this pregnancy where bending in half is impossible. Ain’t gonna happen. And when I do try and pick something up by bending myself thus squishing 2 babies, I know all about it. But you’d think that wouldn’t matter in the bathroom. IT DOES. I am almost at the horribly embarrassing point of having to ask my husband for help DOWN THERE. In all honesty I haven’t seen DOWN THERE in almost 2 months, but after I’ve been to the ‘ladies’ room, one must neaten up. Yeah no I can’t really reach, either the front or the back. It’s like this spastic, gymnastic-wannabe routine that I have to go through, to wipe my ass. If it wasn’t so uncomfortable, I’d laugh. Maybe. No.

4. Needing help to get off of the couch. Every. Single. Time. Once I’m on the edge of the couch, I can generally stand up, sometimes. But if someone is not there to assist me (read pull me up) I am forced to do this ass-shuffle that includes my back sliding down the couch, until I am totally screwed, that I just lie there until someone happens to walk by and say hey! You need help! Well, um, yes. It appears that I do need help. Not to punch you in the face.

5. The constant questions. Mostly from strangers. “Oh wow, what a bump! When are you due? Must be anyday now!” No random lady from the street that has just placed her hand on MY tummy; not anyday now. 3 months is my anyday now. “3 months?! You must be joking! You’re HUGE!!” Yes even randomer lady, I am huge. THERE’S 2 BABIES IN THERE! Then you smile and walk away, not because you’re afraid of being arrested for giving that intrusive woman a beating, but because you don’t want your blood pressure to go any higher than it is, thus jeopardising your unborn babies. But you still daydream about giving her the ass-whopping of her life, and enjoying every-single-second of it.

6. Maternity clothes. Every woman’s dream; shopping for clothes that are anywhere from 1-6 sizes bigger than your normal size. Because every woman wants expanding hips and a bigger waist. The boobs are ok, except when they’re leaking. See point 7.

7. Leaking boobs. Picture this; you’re sitting in a nice warm bath, relaxing. You stretch your back by bending forward (well bending semi-forward in my case but enough to have my lady-bags in the water) and when you sit back up, you feel a little different. You’re not quite sure why, but you then look south and lo-and-behold – there’s white-ish stuff busy expelling itself from your body, down your body. It’s awesome. No it really isn’t. Yes, the hot water does have an effect and will encourage the ‘leaking’ but it’s especially awesome when it happens when you’re sitting behind your desk at work. With just a normal bra on. No boobie pads. And wearing a green top. Awesome.

8. Stretch marks. No, not tiger strips. Stretch marks. Wanna know why they’re not tiger stripes? BECAUSE I’M NOT A DAMN TIGER! Stretch marks are awful, and they bring down a woman’s confidence something chronic. Some women deal with them just fine, seeing them as a part of the pregnancy miracle. Me? Nuh-uh. They’re awful and hideous and are the reason my beautiful black bikini has been in hiding for the past 5 years. Bloody bastards.

9. RLS. Restless Leg Syndrome. Found in 10%-25% of pregnant women, mainly in their 3rd trimesters. And guess who just developed it? Yup. Me. Although I didn’t just develop it. It’s been my nasty friend for the past month or so. Go and look up RLS. It makes poison ivy seem like a treat.

10. The inability to climb 16 stairs without feeling like you’re an 80 year old emphysema patient. Ok it’s not that bad; emphysema is a very awful, horrible disease, but for me, who in January was running half marathons (21.1km) in under 3hrs (that’s pretty good for me) to feeling like my chest is going to explode after those 16 damn stairs, it’s pretty crap. My fitness is gone, and even though my plan was to try and stay as fit as possible during this pregnancy, it hasn’t worked out that way. In actual fact, I’m about to lose my gym benefit through my medical aid. Oh wait, I have already. Ironic. Yes I know that my lungs are ALSO being squished and have no real room to work at their full capacity, but not being able to breathe = DEAD.

11. Number 1. As in wee. Or the constant need to. It’s like my body is sticking to the pregnancy schedule to the T, because literally the day I entered my 2nd trimester, my bathroom breaks nearly halved, if not more. I have been in my 3rd trimester for just over a week now, and I may as well get IT to set up a network point in the bathroom for me. Thank God my desk is like 7m from the bathroom door. Otherwise it wouldn’t be pretty. For me. And the hilarious thing (if that wasn’t already so funny) is that I need to pee even when I haven’t drunk anything.

12. Sleep. BWAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

13. Knowing that I get to hold 2 perfect, precious miracles in 3 months time? Yeah. It’s worth it.

Will I be doing it again?

WAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

The plan to close this factory for good was made on the 14th of July 2014, when it was discovered that there wasn’t 1, but 2 tummy invaders.

No, I don’t do pregnant well. If I could press a button and have a baby delivered to me then I would. But feeling my son and daughter move inside of my tummy, seeing the awe in my daughter’s face when she places her hand to feel them move, really is all that matters. Knowing that my babies are growing, and are healthy, is all that matters. Knowing that my babies already know me as their mommy.

I wouldn’t change it for the world.

G

he’s not excited

This past week or so, the babies have really started making their presence known. It’s been pretty cool, as well as uncomfortable, as there are 2 of them sharing space kinda designed for 1, and I’ve found myself disciplining them already! The one baby, the girl I think, keeps pressing her backside (or her head, who knows) really hard against the inside of my tummy, which isn’t painful, but is helluva uncomfortable. I’ve found out very quickly that she (it) responds very quickly to me tapping my belly, as she promptly rearranges herself. Aaahhhhh, bliss!

But that’s about as happy as this blog post is going to get.

On Friday the 12th of September, I wrote my husband a letter. It was almost 5 and a half pages long. The reason for the letter, is that we can never just have a conversation, a discussion. It generally starts out that way, but then one or both of us misunderstands the other, takes everything out of context and it becomes a screaming, shouting, swearing match that generally has me in tears, him closed off and ultimately me telling him that I want a divorce. On said Friday, my husband had woken up in one of his normal morning moods, a mood that I’ve come to ignore as he’s (a) not a morning person, and (b) he’s really stressed out about our whole car / finance situation. But then he took it out on M-L, and I defended her, because he was wrong. She and I left the house with him telling me to f*** off. During the course of the morning, he phoned me. I ignored it. He phoned again. I ignored it again. He kept phoning, and I kept ignoring. He eventually sent me a message saying that he needed to talk to me. I didn’t respond. He phoned again. I didn’t even look at my phone. He then sent me another message, saying that he got the message and that he hoped that I had a good day. During this 1.5 hour calling / messaging session, I was writing to him. And not an email. I’m talking a handwritten letter, with mistakes and smudges and emotion. When I was done with the letter, I scanned it to my computer, folded the original and put it in an envelope for him. I then emailed him the scanned copy, and in the email body I told him that I would give him the original that afternoon when I saw him.

The basics of the letter were as follows:

1) My car accident, and how it was really just an accident. I didn’t wake up on Thursday the 31st of July and decide “HEY! I’m gonna write off the car today!” Yes, due to a decision that I made the car was written off, but it was an ACCIDENT.

2) Sex. Or rather, the lack of it. I am very insecure about my body, even though my husband has assured me that he loves me just the way that I am, pregnancy scars and all. August he didn’t touch me. July I think it happened once. I explained in the letter that sex is not just about pleasure for me; it is an intimate way of showing love, passion intimacy. The last time I can actually recall us being intimate, honestly, was in May. That’s when I fell pregnant.

3) The twins. I didn’t ask to be pregnant with twins. I am so scared of what the future holds for us as a family, because I don’t know how we’re going to provide for our 3 children. If he doesn’t think that I’m not worried or stressed, then he really has been living in a dream world. I wrote to him that when we found out that it was twins back in mid-July I already felt him pulling away, and then the accident at the end of July was just the cherry on top. He completely withdrew from anything baby related. I tried talking to him about a cot and prams and car seats, and was told that it wasn’t a priority; a car was. Yes, absolutely, getting a car is our top priority, however these twins are just as important. To not focus on what we need for them NOW will only result in us having to stress about it at the last minute, which is wrong. I wrote that I felt totally alone in this pregnancy; I send him pictures of how my belly is growing and I don’t even get a response. Nothing. And this then ties in with point 2, because he no longer touched me. This point about the twins is something that I’m going to elaborate on a little further on in the post.

4) His anger issues, and the fact that he all too quickly takes his anger and frustration out on M-L. Never physically, but verbally, emotionally. And her beautiful little soul will become irrevocably damaged if he doesn’t sort it out ASAP. I know that I’m no saint, and that I can lose my cool and snap at her, but not to the extent that he does and can. Yes, our lives are pretty shitty right now; he’s angry and depressed about it all and he doesn’t deserve one iota of what has happened over the last 2 and a bit months, but our daughter doesn’t need to suffer for it.

5) I wrote about how he told me to f*** off as I was leaving the house that morning, and then he tries to phone me later that morning as if everything was ok, to tell me that our domestic helper had made a rabbit stew and that it was really delicious. That’s what all of the phone calls were about. I wrote that out of no fault of his, I had alienated all of my friends because of our relationship, to the point that I have maybe 5 friends in my life, most of which are overseas. And the one time we were invited to one of my dearest friend’s wedding back in February, he utterly embarrassed and humiliated me by making us leave early. We have been at this for 11 years now; how much longer were we going to break each other?

6) His anti-socialness. Our invites to HIS friend’s braais (BBQ’s) have waned so significantly over the years, that they don’t even exist anymore. No one is allowed to have a spontaneous decision, except him. The pot calling the kettle black. Only he can have impromptu braais and invite people over, but no one else. And then when we are invited somewhere, he tells me to go and enjoy myself. But WE were invited; I want to go as a couple, because that’s what we are. I think.

My last point in the letter basically said that I wasn’t asking for a divorce, but that we most certainly not together, and that I would be coming home to give him the letter, pack a bag for M-L and I, and go somewhere. I had no idea where, but somewhere.

At 12h20 he was standing in front of my desk. He asked me if we could go out for lunch. I just looked at him, and after a while I asked if he’d read his email. He looked at me, this sombre look on his face and said yes. He asked me again; can we go out for lunch. I cleared leaving the premises with my boss, and off we went. I only get a 30min lunch break, but we sat talking in his company car for almost 45mins, and then walked around the shopping centre. We never actually got lunch, but it was a good talk. A very overdue talk. And one of the things we discussed (well we actually discussed every point in my letter) were the twins. He apologised to me for leaving me alone, making me feel alone, for being so disconnected. It was unintentional, he’s just so stressed. He also said that I mustn’t think that he’s not excited, because he really is. He’s just battling to show it because of everything else that’s going on. But he is excited.

On Tuesday night, he told me to my face that he wasn’t excited. I’ve never felt my heart drop to my feet so quickly. This goes back to point 3 in my letter. The twins and how I feel so alone in this pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong; he’s shown me that he’s excited in a sense by responding to my pictures with the word WOW or smiling when I tell him the movements etc, but that’s about it. He hasn’t once tried to touch my tummy, hasn’t once tried to help me get comfortable in bed, has once told me that he’s excited since the 12th of September. And then on Tuesday night he told me that it isn’t like M-L; he’s not feeling as excited this time around because of the stress of not having a car and our (his) financial situation that is not allowing us to get a car. I told him that I understood, but inside I was screaming with tears. My heart shattered. He isn’t excited.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I have M-L’s party to plan, things to buy, no money to buy any of the things that I need, and no car to go to the places that I need to go to to buy the things that I need to buy with the money that I don’t have. Our next doctor’s appointment is this coming Monday, and a dead snail is more enthusiastic than he is. And the awful thing, is that it’s rubbing off on me. I’m no longer excited to see the twins on Monday. I can’t be bothered to actually go, mostly because it means that M-L will have to miss school because the doctor is in the opposite direction to her school, and L can’t take her in the morning and then make it back in time to get me to the appointment. But also because this whole situation is not what a pregnancy should be. The check up after my car accident, he didn’t even come in with me. He dropped me off and said that he needed to go and see a customer. By the time he had finished I hadn’t yet gone into see the doctor so he ended up coming in with me, but not happily. Not willingly. It’s like he didn’t want to be seen as the dad who didn’t go in, in front of all of the other parents.

I feel him pulling away from me again; I’ve felt it for a while now. I am again alone in this pregnancy. 2 little people being brought into this world, to a father who isn’t excited, and a mother who just wants it to be over and done with.

He’s not excited.

And I feel so alone.

G