tomorrow is the day

May the 3rd, 2017.

This is the day that my mom’s eyesight will be saved. All thanks to the generosity of friends, family and complete strangers.

I wish I could adequately express my sincere gratitude to you all, how I wish I could explain the relief coursing through my veins, knowing that my mommy is going to be ok. She will keep her sight. It’s overwhelming at times, and I’m just so eternally grateful.

I will be posting an update after the surgery, once I know that all has gone well. She goes in at 08h30 tomorrow, South African time.

Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Love and light.
G x

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random acts of kindness – THANK-YOU

Today, I paid for my mom’s cataract removal surgery. All thanks to donations received from loved ones, friends, family and complete strangers.

Mom POP

All I can say, is thank-you. You have helped to save my mom’s eyesight. We will be paying it forward with the funds leftover as we did raise more than we needed; I am just waiting for the surgery to be finalised so that we’re 100% sure that there will be no additional costs. Updates will be posted as well; just thank-you so much everyone

G
xxx

the day i watched my mother fall in love

I remember the day that I told my mom that I was pregnant with Morgan-Lee; her face said it all. It was Thursday the 5th of March 2009, the day before my 23rd birthday. I was 22, engaged but still living at home with her, and she was disappointed. I don’t hold that against her; I think I was a little disappointed in myself as well. The news of my pregnancy received mixed reactions from our families; a lot of family members on my side thought I had thrown my life away, and there was both happiness and disappointment on the husband’s side. But all-in-all, everyone accepted the fact that we were going to have a baby.

Tuesday the 5th of May 2009. That was the day that I saw our daughter for the first time. The husband couldn’t come with me as he was travelling for work, so my mom dutifully accompanied me to the gynae, who also happened to be her gynae, and who delivered my brother back in 1992! It was the first of many trips up to Ladysmith some 200km odd away, as the doctor had decided to move, and as I wasn’t on medical aid, his offer of free consultations had to be taken up!

"Meeting" Morgan-Lee for the first time on the 5th of May 2009

“Meeting” Morgan-Lee for the first time on the 5th of May 2009

I remember sitting in his rooms, waiting nervously, so excited yet so scared at the same time. I’d already had a DNC in 2004 at the age of 17; what if something was wrong this time around? I remember lying down on the bed, and then looking to the sonogram. And I watched with big wide eyes, as this little ‘thing’ appeared on the screen, darting from one side to the next, with even the doctor exclaiming how active it was. I then looked over at my mom, who had her mouth slightly open, her eyes glistening. I even remember her gasping quietly. I watched her silently watch this little thing bounce around inside of me, her baby girl now about to have her own baby, and I watched her fall in love. It was a pure, unscripted moment in time, one that I will cherish forever. When my mom saw her first grandchild for the very first time, I knew that my baby was going to be the most loved and wanted child in the world, all from the look on her face.

It was quite a remarkable thing to witness; watching my mom fall in love.

And I’m so grateful and blessed that I did.

G

 

that funny little thing called family

2016 started off with a bang for me; quite literally. But before I get into that, I’d just like to give you some history.

I am not what you would call an emotionally mature person. I cry at the slightest thing (something I’ve been working on for years), have a fierce temper, fly off the handle far too quickly, and too often find myself arguing with myself how not to lose it completely. I do take things too personally at times; every morning in my household for example. But I am aware of my shortcomings, my flaws. And I am the first to admit it.

Last November my family and I went through a really rough patch. So rough in fact, that I didn’t know how we were going to eat, or how I was going to get to work. I honestly didn’t know how we were going to make it. Then the universe responded, in the form of family and friends, both close and far (like overseas far) by rallying around us, and supporting us in our time of need. It wasn’t just the financial aid that was bestowed upon my family, but the support and reassurance shown to me, a wife and mother who felt lower than a failure. But I again acknowledged my shortcomings, and whilst I didn’t name those who helped us publicly, I don’t think I’ll ever stop thanking them personally. But the point I’m trying to make, is that I acknowledged the help and assistance shown and given to me. I’m so incredibly grateful for it; I don’t see the need to come off as a martyr or a victim. I have made poor decisions in my life that lead us to that point in our lives. But I am a victim of my own decisions, my own wrongdoings. No one else is responsible for my situation, but me.

One of the biggest things that happened last October/November, was my mom and step-dad buying groceries for my family and I. And I’m not just talking about some milk and bread, I’m talking an entire boot full of groceries, basically a monthly shop. I remember pushing the trolley with my mom, putting in one or two things, turning around and then my mom putting in way more. We ate that month because of my mom and step-dad. I’m not ashamed to admit it, because surely as a family, that’s what we do? We support each other, both emotionally and financially when needed, and then we of course acknowledge this support, whether it be publicly or privately. But the point is, we acknowledge it. I am not ashamed to admit that my mom bailed me out. Again. I’ve lost count at how many tins of formula my mom and step-dad have bought for the twins, packs of nappies, fresh veggies and meat to make baby food, some petrol here and there… I’ve lost count. I don’t know how much I owe them financially, and one day I’ll clear it all, but I’ll be forever indebted to them emotionally and spiritually. They kept my family going when I didn’t think we could anymore. But that’s family for you. Isn’t it?

Tuesday the 5th of January, our family fractured, perhaps forever. And what you ask, caused this fracture? A tv. Yes, you read that correctly. A tv, and 2 children who think that they know all about the world and what it entails. 2 children who think that they know what hardships are. 2 children who really have no idea how the real world works. 2 children who since then, have gone out of their way to ostracize themselves, make themselves out to be martyrs and heroes, all because of a tv. I am partly to blame for this fracture, and I admit it and accept responsibility for it. But I also have my reasons, as I absolutely refuse to see my mom and step-dad be taken advantage of for yet another minute, without something being said about it. I snapped. What caused me to snap? A comment. A comment about how my step-dad had filled my boot twice last year, because I couldn’t. Yet the ironic thing is that the person who made the nasty, hurtful, TRUE comment to me, was irate because a reminder was given to it just a few days prior, about how its family had bailed it out. Again. Pretty much the pot calling the kettle black, but this is a person with a total and utter victim mentality, with the belief that the world owes it everything. I too was sexually molested by the same man for 2 years. I too had my innocence stolen from me. But I have refused to let it determine my course in life, determine my fate and destiny. I am who I am, because of decisions that I make in my life. Not because of something that happened to me. I determine my path in life, not an event.

This person had the audacity to state that its partner for the past 18 months had done more for its son and it, than my mom and step-dad ever had. With that in mind, take into consideration that at age 25, it is engaged for the 3rd time in 7 years (to 3 different partners) and that this latest engagement is to a person that it has been with for the past 18 months, but its son (from the 2nd engagement) is only 2.5 years old. Let that little nugget sink in.

This person went as far as separating my mom’s dirty washing out from the rest of the washing, and excluding it from the washing. As my mom’s washing machine has been broken, I’ve been doing her washing at my house. It has even gone as far as removing its son from my mom’s care, even when a simple thing is done, like taking him out of his car seat. Its partner has 3 dogs, one of which is 11 years old, and it had a stroke. Something happened to its one front leg, and the decision was made to amputate it. This cost between R1000-R1500, when quite honestly the humane thing would have been to euthanise the old girl. But then about 2 or so weeks later, its son was quite ill and needed to be admitted into hospital, and because it’s a hero and martyr, it asked for help from another member of our family, who had to literally scratch around their house for the R270 odd that was needed to admit a child who required hospitalisation. Who normally provides this money for admittance? My mom and step-dad, no questions asked. But the free ride is over. The abuse that my parents have experienced at the hands of this person, is over. I have been more of a child to my step-dad than this person ever has, defending him and sticking up for him publicly, when this person publicly made note of the fact that it was a single parent, and how hard it was, and that it had no financial support and that every day was a struggle. All of this was publicly posted, whilst living back with its parents, after the 2nd engagement fell apart. The second engagement that we all warned it against. But yet again, it knew better. It conveniently forgot how its father was up almost every night with its son, calming him down, getting him to sleep. It conveniently forgot the roof put over its head, the food that was provided. The expensive tins of specialised formula for its son. All bought for and provided for by its parents, no questions asked. Because that’s what family does. It has also conveniently forgotten that my mother carried our family financially for over a decade, as the sole breadwinner in our household. What this person does instead, is blame everyone else in its life for its situations, decisions and outcomes, instead of looking to the true culprit; itself.

Why am I bringing all of this up now, when I am preaching that family does what family does, because its family? Because this person has forgotten all that has been done for it. And when one tries to remind it of all of the bail outs and support shown to it over the years, it either vehemently denies it, feigns amnesia or just ignores you altogether.

What this post is to me, is therapy. It is my way of acknowledging that whilst I could have handled the situation more maturely on Tuesday the 5th of January 2016, what is done is done, and quite honestly, so am I. This person is nothing to me anymore. And I do believe that this person has realised it, as I realise that I am nothing to it. And that’s ok. Sad, but ok. The abuse and blatant taking advantage of that this person has shown towards its family, MY family has gone on for 20+ years, and has now come to an end. I maybe seen as the enemy here, the bully, the perpetrator. But that is only because, as it so aptly spat in my face on the 5th of January, the truth hurts.

That funny little thing called ‘family’.

G

reflections

In 2 weeks, this year will be coming to an end. And I for one, cannot WAIT to see the end of it.

First little cuddle with our twins - Thursday 12 Feb 2015

First little cuddle with our twins – Thursday 12 Feb 2015

It’s been extremely draining; physically, emotionally and financially. We’ve welcomed our twins, seen our eldest daughter finish her first year of ‘big school’, made some good decisions, and some not-so-good decisions, and somehow, are finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I find it mind-blowing that a month and a half ago, I didn’t know where our next meal was going to come from, or with what petrol I was going to get to work with, to now, where we have just a tiny bit of breathing room. Where if I see a little toy or sweet for Morgan-Lee, I can actually buy it, without stressing as to how it will affect me paying my bills at month end. No, our financial woes are far from over. But we can breathe a little easier, a little deeper, and actually have a decent Christmas. I can spoil my kids if I want to; I can buy myself a cd if I want to. I can actually look at, and seriously consider buying the husband the sunglasses that he really wants (and needs) without worrying how it will break the bank.

Morgan-Lee in one of her more 'normal' sleeping positions!

Morgan-Lee in one of her more ‘normal’ sleeping positions!

Yes, life has been extremely tough these past 2 months. I am utterly exhausted from stress, and the twins having never slept through the night. I feel cut off from the world some days, afraid that I’m doing the same to Morgan-Lee when we sit at home on weekends, and I think that’s why I’m happy to send her off to her best friend’s house for sleep overs and play dates, because I know that she’s having fun; she’s getting out. She’s able to be a child.

But.

I’m so blessed. I have 3 healthy children. I have a husband who most days drives me insane, but who works so flipping hard for us, his family. To keep the roof over our heads; to put food on the table for us. I have a nanny who is like a second mom to the twins, and without whom, I would be absolutely lost. I have a mom who would bend over backwards (and who does and has, far too many times) for me and my little family; I have siblings who are always looking out for me, and I have just a handful of close, good, wonderful friends, who even though we don’t talk often, or see each other that much, I know would be there for me in a heartbeat.

Our wonder-nanny, Thully

Our wonder-nanny, Thully

Yes, this year has been hard. There have been some major curve balls thrown to me, and a couple of them have hit me, hard. But right now, at this point in time, things are ok. I dare to even say, they’re good. But this is life for us as it is for so many; ups and downs, so often too many downs, but that’s how we learn, and from our learnings, grow.

2016 is very fast approaching, and even though I say it every year, this time I believe it; 2016 is our year. We have struggled and battled our way through life for the past 9 years; enough is enough. 2016 brings with it the opportunity for a fresh start, to wipe the slate clean, to make new memories, and put our learnings from past mistakes in action.

2015, you’ve given it your best shot, but we’re all still standing. A little battered and bruised, but also wiser and stronger.

So, are we doing this or what?

G