what are you grateful for today?

Recently there’s been this “7 day gratefulness” challenge going around Facebook. I wasn’t nominated (thank goodness) but it was quite interesting reading my timeline, seeing what all of my friends were grateful for. Most of them were grateful for their health, families, jobs etc, and it got me thinking. I know, me, thinking? That in itself is a rather scary thought!

What am I grateful for? I have so much negativity going on in my life right now, that it is sometimes difficult to see the positivity that I DO have in my life.

1. I have the most gorgeous daughter (no I’m not biased at all) who fills my life with love and laughter, stress and frustration, and who loves me so genuinely and innocently that she just makes all of lifes stresses seem like nothing.

2. I have a roof over my head every night and every month, even though the rent isn’t always paid on time. Our landlord is so understanding, and in this day and age, it is difficult to find an understanding landlord. Now if he would only fix the door frame, and 2 broken windows, and…

3. I have the most wonderful friends, who out of their kindness of their hearts loaned me their spare car, whilst we try and sort out our car mess. No it’s not a fancy car. It makes me miss my Merc every day, but it’s wheels, and it’s getting M-L and I from A-B. THANK-YOU.

4. With all of the stress that I’ve been under in the last 7 weeks, I still have had an extremely healthy pregnancy so far; the doctor is so happy with the twins progress; they’re big and healthy and everything is just perfect! I’m in excruciating pain because of them, but THEY ARE HEALTHY. That’s all any mama could ask for.

5. I have a mom who is just the most wonderfully amazing mom there is (again, not being biased). She can come across as so cold and uninterested at times, but I know her, and all she ever does is put me first. Thank-you mommy.

6. I have the most INCREDIBLE family in the UK, who have gifted L and I with some money to go out and buy car seats and another pram for the twins. I’m sure that we would have made a plan somehow, but knowing that this is just 1 less thing that we have to worry about, is such a weight off of my shoulders, and I am eternally grateful.

7. The SAME family in the UK, have shown me nothing but the most AMAZING support, in both my pregnancy with M-L, and now with the twins. Thank-you from the bottom of my heart.

8. My father-in-law, who comes across as this all-business-and-no-play kinda guy, but has the biggest heart of gold, and is always willing to help if he can. L and I are so blessed to have you in our lives.

9. My siblings. They all drive me absolutely insane and up the wall most days, but wouldn’t life then be so boring if they didn’t?

10. My husband. We have had some serious downs in recent months, but together we have the strength to work it out. Thank-you for fighting for us, every time that it feels like the light is getting dimmer and dimmer. I don’t need all of the money in the world, because I have you.

Sometimes it takes someone to give you a virtual slap (in or some people’s cases an actual one) for you to realise that HEY! – my life actually isn’t that bad!

So, what are you grateful for today?

G

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i can’t describe this anger

I am an animal lover. No, this isn’t a post about animal abuse, or being vegan (which I’m not), but you need to know that I’m an animal lover. I’m so much of an animal lover, that when my husband wouldn’t allow our 2 smaller dogs onto the couch a few weeks back (he was in a mood) I promptly got off the couch and sat with them on the floor for about 20mins.IMG_20140620_190404

When my husband and I decided to find our own place in 2011, our priorities about our new home were the same; it had to be pet friendly, with enough space for our 4 legged kids to roam around comfortably in. And as luck would have it, we found a great place, 7km up from my mom’s, with MORE than enough space for our kids.

What angers me, what infuriates me, what makes me want to physically assault people, is when I read classifieds, or see fliers put up for people URGENTLY looking for a good home for their ‘BELOVED’ pet, because they’re moving and can’t take them with them. I’m sorry, but what? Oh, you’re ‘heartbroken’ and ‘only the best home will do’. Surely your home, your pet’s home, is the best home? It sickens me that you have made the decision to move into a place that does not accommodate animals, and that you obviously do not think that your animals complete your family. Without my pets, I wouldn’t be whole. My husband and I are still battling with the loss of Axle, our 4 legged boy, who left us so suddenly on July 24th, 2012. We made it a prerequisite that our new home would be pet friendly, and it wasn’t that hard to find a place that was within our budget, that had everything that we needed. Now, with person no 2 on the way, we’re actually short a room in our house, but are not moving because a) we are happy where we are, b) M-L will share her room with her sibling and c) I doubt that we would find anything within our budget, that had enough space for the 4 of us PLUS our 4 legged children. Oh, and our 10’s of rabbits. And our koi. And our pigs. And our one chicken. And and and.

I do understand that it’s not that clear cut; sometimes things happen and you are stuck for choice and absolutely have to move. But I also believe that some people just give up too easily; advertise their ‘wonderful, part-of-the-family’ pets too quickly. I myself had a ‘moment’ earlier this year; Daisy, my Daschund x Jack Russell attacked and killed one of my baby rabbits, a very special rabbit and I absolutely lost it. I even went so far as to advertise her ‘for free’ on Facebook, to ‘a loving home’. I almost instantly regretted my decision, as at the end of the day, Daisy did what was natural to her. It’s like when we adopted Daisy last February, and she ‘attacked’ the husband a few days into having her, and he phoned me absolutely fuming, telling me to find another home for her blah blah blah, and then about 3 hours later he phoned me back, saying that again, it wasn’t Daisy’s fault; she was in a new environment, new animals, new smells, and her family for the past 4 years was no longer there. Yes, the husband and Daisy still have their moments, but it’s so much better now, because we gave it some time.

A pet is a lifetime commitment; THEIR lifetime, not yours. And that brings me to another point; if something were to happen to you today, tomorrow, next week or next year, are your pets taken care of? Mine aren’t, and that scares the bejeezus out of me. Pets are so cute and cuddly and awesome and wonderful when they’re young, but they too grow old. They too get joint pain, they too go grey. They too feel the pain of losing a loved one, trust me, I know. Your pet gives you their absolute; why don’t you?

If your pet is not one of the priorities in your life, are you sure you’re ready for one?

G

spoilt

I think that I should blog every year about how much I don’t care about my birthday. Maybe then, every birthday would rock as much as my birthday did this year 🙂

The idea

The idea

A few weeks back, I posted a picture to Facebook of a clock that I’d seen on Twitter, and as I have a ‘thing’ for clocks, and the fact that this clock so aptly described me, I tagged my mom so that she could get a laugh out of it.

Mom, you won my birthday this year.

The big surprise that I almost ruined? This. (see below)

My clock

My clock

Well, I squeaked. I squealed. I had a grin so big across my face, I think I out-smiled the Cheshire cat.

We then walked around the flea market for another 2 hours or so, but all I could think of was my awesome clock, and how pretty darn cool my birthday has been this year.

And as much as I detest surprises…

This one was most definitely worth being surprised with 🙂

G

i think my heart is bursting

M-L Mouse

M-L Mouse

I took this picture either on Boxing Day, or a few days after Christmas, and there is just something about it. I can sit and stare at this picture of my princess for ages. She drives me insane, gives me absolutely no privacy, is my very own personal cling-on, and she completes me.

Last night she was almost hysterical at bed time, as it was very late, she had stayed up to watch a cartoon thus she had no bedtime story. After tucking her in and saying good night, she started to cry, but I stayed firm and didn’t read her a story. I then stepped just out of her room, to listen. She lay in bed crying, at first a fake cry which turned in a weak cry, and then silence. I snuck my head around the corner, and she was lying in bed, gripping Winnie-the-Pooh, Doc and Stuffy, just starring at the wall. I then quietly made my way to the lounge. I was in the half bent over position about to sit on the couch, when she screamed for me, but almost a terrified type of scream. I went into her room and she was almost inconsolable.

“I want you mommy.”

“I love you mommy.”

“Don’t leave me mommy.”

*heart breaks*

I then sat on her little bed, wrapped her up into my arms, and proceeded to calm her down. Once her little body had stopped shuddering from her sobs, I told her how much mommy, daddy, Nana and EVERYONE loved her. I asked her if anything was wrong at school, and she said no, she likes school. The reason I asked this, was because when I dropped her off at creche yesterday, it was like it was her first day all over again! I had to leave her crying and upset because I had to get to work. It was awful!

I reassured her that she would never be alone, that she had nothing to worry about, and that we would always be there for and with her. I held her on my lap, her head snuggled into my chest for at least 5-7mins. I then softly told her that she needed to get back into bed, and she happily put her head on her pillow. I tucked her in again, and she was asleep in a matter of minutes.

It astounds me that I have such a calming effect on M-L; I am not by nature a calm person, yet this little person needed me last night to calm her and reassure her. That was a mind blowing moment if I ever did have one!

ipp I snapped this picture on Christmas day, after my hubby had found her the little robot dog that she really wanted Father Christmas to bring her, and the look on her face, the pure happiness, joy and excitement was all the thank-you I needed. And yes, she did say thank-you 😉

G

where do i fit?

I was going to call this post “where do i belong?” but it sounds too similar to a book or movie that I read or saw far too long ago, and now cannot properly recall.

I have always found myself to be an awkward being; short but not too short, quirky but sometimes misinterpreted as ‘weird’, funny but sometimes even my humour flies over my head and just all around odd. My folks were divorced and from a very young age, I was surrounded by an extended family, as both of my parents remarried. I watched my siblings grow up with both mom and dad, and their grandparents, and I never had that. I’m not necessarily complaining, but I do still wonder what it would be like to come home and say “mom, dad… I’m home!” I’ve got step-uncles and aunts, step-cousins and step-grandparents, and I have never felt a part of any of their families. I was always the intruder, the extra person that someone inevitably forgot, and had to quickly make space for at the table. I don’t blame anyone; I was this child just kinda thrust into these families. I wasn’t expected like when a woman is pregnant. I was just there, 2.5/3 year old me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve laughed and cried with my extended family, been involved in family get-togethers and outings, but I do remember 1 negative instance, that is still with me today.

1 set of my step-grandparents were organising a family photoshoot, and I don’t know if she forgot that I was sitting in her office at her feet (I was 10 or so at the time) or if she left me out on purpose, but when she was confirming the number of people with the photographer, she was one person short. I remember sitting in silence for the rest of the day, my heart stuck in my gut, a lump in my throat, feeling so unwanted, so out of place. I remember getting home and asking if I was left out on purpose, and I was told of course not! I was evidently included in the photoshoot, but I wasn’t comfortable; I knew that I didn’t belong in it.

I have gone through my 12 years of schooling, always wondering where I fit in. I didn’t fit in on the sports fields, even though I participated in nearly every sport that my schools offered. I was never the most valued player, and I only ever scored 1 goal in hockey, and I played for 6 years, but I continued with sport because I enjoyed it. But deep down, I knew that people were disappointed when I was put on their teams, because I never really added much value, except that I helped to complete the number of players required. I didn’t really belong in the classroom, as I was so easily distracted during lessons, and I studied far better alone in my bedroom (yes I actually did study 😉 ) that I ended up sleeping through some of my lessons, especially biology. I wasn’t good enough to be voted in as a prefect in both senior primary and high school, was only good enough for cross-country vice-captain and class vice-captain but I was nominated as the Media Centre Chairperson in my matric year. And even that turned out to be an utter disaster, as I kinda let the ‘fame’ go to my head, and didn’t follow through on my duties like I should have.

As an adult, I still wonder where I fit in, and I think that that’s where the majority of my sadness and despondence comes from. If I don’t know where I fit in, how do I know that I belong? Again, just like my post last week, this isn’t a cry for help, or a ‘pity me’ post, but more of a realisation, and it honestly makes sense to me. I have been searching and wondering for so many years where I fit in, that I lost myself along the way, and in my journey to find myself and my place in this world, I brought on my own misery. I mean come on! I even battle with motherhood! I have long believed that motherhood is not for every woman, and since having M-L, I believe it now more than ever.

I love my daughter. She is my life, and she completes me (a total contradiction with regards to the subject of this post, but meh). But motherhood has not come naturally to me. I remember looking at my newborn, thinking to myself “well now what”. Some women carry motherhood well, and it suits them. They just have this natural air and grace about them, and they come across almost as the ‘perfect mother’ (yes I’m generalising). That did not happen with me. I am not scared to admit that I do not enjoy motherhood 24/7, 365. Many a time (countless times in fact) I have just wanted to run away from it all, because it just seemed too hard. The financial constraints, the emotional constraints, the having to deal with puke and poop and pee and DIRT! I think the dirt freaks me out more than the other 3 things! But motherhood, parenthood is hard. And even though I’m doing the best that I can, I still don’t fit. But this is an adjustment that I am in the process of making, because this gorgeous little being is counting on me, depending on me, to come through for her. And I’ll be damned if I don’t try my hardest. So yeah, I’ve learnt how not to put a nappy on, and that just because I like the outfit does not mean that she will, and that “ooooh your hair is so pretty mommy” means that in about 2 seconds I’m going to have grubby hands touching my hair that I have pedantically spent 45mins straightening. And you know what? It doesn’t bug me as much as what it used to.

So I may not know yet where I fit, but that’s ok.

Because I’m honestly in no rush to find out.

G