if you happen to find me, please inform me accordingly

Where the hell is life going?  I mean I have never planned on blogging every single day, but the time lapses in my blogs are becoming bigger and bigger until I most likely forget my password and username and then that’s that.  No, not really, but that’s what it feels like.  It doesn’t feel like a week since I last posted, and I honestly cannot even tell you what has happened in the last week, because I simply either do not care, or do not remember.  I don’t know which one it is!

What I can tell you is this:

1. I am in the 7th week of pregnancy no. 2.  I no longer feel pregnant, and my paranoia regarding this feeling is playing heavily on my emotions.  My tummy is still swollen, so I hope I am just being paranoid.

2. My daughter was really ill last week;  she had roseola (kiddie measles) the week before and our GP said that it obviously knocked her immune system, so the flu that she caught really hit her bad.  It was really scary seeing her all pale and lethargic, not eating, just lying on the couch doing nothing.  Not even making a single peep.  But she’s on the mend, and is, I’d say, 95% better.

3. I wrote my first exam towards my diploma.  There were questions that I answered as a complete thumb suck, and some questions where I did actually know the answers.  I’m confident that I passed, and quite honestly that’s all I care about.  I should get my results next week, hopefully.

4. I’ve entered the Waterfall Superspar Forest 10, happening THIS SUNDAY!  My GP said that I could still run, just as long as I take it easy.  I really did want to break the 1 hour mark on my 10km this year, but I’m not going to push it.  If I walk, I walk.  But I will finish 🙂

5. I’ve entered the Totalsports Ladies 10km race, happening on the 20th of July.  I entered this race last year, but 3 days before the race, I caught the flu and so didn’t run.  As mentioned in point 4, as long as I finish the race in the allotted time, that’s all I care about.

6. My daughter smugly announced yesterday morning that she was no longer having a Doc McStuffins party when she turns 5, but rather a Rapunzel (Tangled) party.  I think that has something to do with the Frozen princess party that she went to 2 weekends ago.  Thank goodness that the Doc McStuffins goodies that I had asked for a quote on, weren’t actually ordered…  As her birthday is in 4 months time, I’d best get planning.

7. The husband is away tonight, for the first time since his attempted hijacking last July.  It sucks.

8. 2 of my 3 female rabbits gave birth within a week of each other;  the first litter’s eyes are all open, and they’re running around and are just too damn cute.  It was a small litter this time, only 4 and all white.  But sooooo cute!  The other litter has about 6-7 babies, and their eyes should be open by the end of this weekend.  When we rescued Mommy Bunny, she was already pregnant.  Now a female bunny is only supposed to be pregnant for 28 days;  she was pregnant for over 2 months.  Maybe rabbits can hold it in?  Thank god the same doesn’t apply to human beings!

9. My performance appraisal was 2 weeks ago, and let’s just say that it was a good year 🙂 My boss is very happy with my performance, and hopefully that shows when it’s time for our annual increase, which we are informed of in September, effective October.  With no 2 on the way, every extra cent helps!

10. Personal income tax season started today, and yes, I have already submitted my return.  As always, the tax man hates me, and thus owes me money.  The sad thing is that 90% of the money that I’m getting back is going straight into a friend’s bank account, to pay back a large loan that I took in April this year.  But I asked for the loan, using my tax refund as payment, and I’m a woman of my word.  If it wasn’t for that loan in April, I have no idea how I would have made it.

So from not actually knowing what the hell has gone down in the last few days or even weeks, that’s quite a bit of news.

But I’ll let you get back to your REALLY interesting lives.

G

PS:  keep an eye out for my sanity – it’s around here somewhere.

Advertisements

where do i fit?

I was going to call this post “where do i belong?” but it sounds too similar to a book or movie that I read or saw far too long ago, and now cannot properly recall.

I have always found myself to be an awkward being; short but not too short, quirky but sometimes misinterpreted as ‘weird’, funny but sometimes even my humour flies over my head and just all around odd. My folks were divorced and from a very young age, I was surrounded by an extended family, as both of my parents remarried. I watched my siblings grow up with both mom and dad, and their grandparents, and I never had that. I’m not necessarily complaining, but I do still wonder what it would be like to come home and say “mom, dad… I’m home!” I’ve got step-uncles and aunts, step-cousins and step-grandparents, and I have never felt a part of any of their families. I was always the intruder, the extra person that someone inevitably forgot, and had to quickly make space for at the table. I don’t blame anyone; I was this child just kinda thrust into these families. I wasn’t expected like when a woman is pregnant. I was just there, 2.5/3 year old me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve laughed and cried with my extended family, been involved in family get-togethers and outings, but I do remember 1 negative instance, that is still with me today.

1 set of my step-grandparents were organising a family photoshoot, and I don’t know if she forgot that I was sitting in her office at her feet (I was 10 or so at the time) or if she left me out on purpose, but when she was confirming the number of people with the photographer, she was one person short. I remember sitting in silence for the rest of the day, my heart stuck in my gut, a lump in my throat, feeling so unwanted, so out of place. I remember getting home and asking if I was left out on purpose, and I was told of course not! I was evidently included in the photoshoot, but I wasn’t comfortable; I knew that I didn’t belong in it.

I have gone through my 12 years of schooling, always wondering where I fit in. I didn’t fit in on the sports fields, even though I participated in nearly every sport that my schools offered. I was never the most valued player, and I only ever scored 1 goal in hockey, and I played for 6 years, but I continued with sport because I enjoyed it. But deep down, I knew that people were disappointed when I was put on their teams, because I never really added much value, except that I helped to complete the number of players required. I didn’t really belong in the classroom, as I was so easily distracted during lessons, and I studied far better alone in my bedroom (yes I actually did study 😉 ) that I ended up sleeping through some of my lessons, especially biology. I wasn’t good enough to be voted in as a prefect in both senior primary and high school, was only good enough for cross-country vice-captain and class vice-captain but I was nominated as the Media Centre Chairperson in my matric year. And even that turned out to be an utter disaster, as I kinda let the ‘fame’ go to my head, and didn’t follow through on my duties like I should have.

As an adult, I still wonder where I fit in, and I think that that’s where the majority of my sadness and despondence comes from. If I don’t know where I fit in, how do I know that I belong? Again, just like my post last week, this isn’t a cry for help, or a ‘pity me’ post, but more of a realisation, and it honestly makes sense to me. I have been searching and wondering for so many years where I fit in, that I lost myself along the way, and in my journey to find myself and my place in this world, I brought on my own misery. I mean come on! I even battle with motherhood! I have long believed that motherhood is not for every woman, and since having M-L, I believe it now more than ever.

I love my daughter. She is my life, and she completes me (a total contradiction with regards to the subject of this post, but meh). But motherhood has not come naturally to me. I remember looking at my newborn, thinking to myself “well now what”. Some women carry motherhood well, and it suits them. They just have this natural air and grace about them, and they come across almost as the ‘perfect mother’ (yes I’m generalising). That did not happen with me. I am not scared to admit that I do not enjoy motherhood 24/7, 365. Many a time (countless times in fact) I have just wanted to run away from it all, because it just seemed too hard. The financial constraints, the emotional constraints, the having to deal with puke and poop and pee and DIRT! I think the dirt freaks me out more than the other 3 things! But motherhood, parenthood is hard. And even though I’m doing the best that I can, I still don’t fit. But this is an adjustment that I am in the process of making, because this gorgeous little being is counting on me, depending on me, to come through for her. And I’ll be damned if I don’t try my hardest. So yeah, I’ve learnt how not to put a nappy on, and that just because I like the outfit does not mean that she will, and that “ooooh your hair is so pretty mommy” means that in about 2 seconds I’m going to have grubby hands touching my hair that I have pedantically spent 45mins straightening. And you know what? It doesn’t bug me as much as what it used to.

So I may not know yet where I fit, but that’s ok.

Because I’m honestly in no rush to find out.

G

the obligatory year end post

Yes I’m still around. Me not blogging in a while is what happens when I go on leave and don’t have access to my own pc ie: work internet get stuck doing housework and being a housewife and preparing Christmas lunch and celebrating baby brother’s 21st birthday and fighting 2nd hand car dealerships. I need leave to recover from my 2 weeks leave. I only had 2-ish days to myself; Thursday the 19th (lunch with the bestie), Friday the 27th (lunch and play date with M-L’s ‘boyfriend’ and his mom) and yesterday when my husband told me to take a relax day. I only actually sat down and chilled in front of the tv at about 15h00. So yeah… All in all, 2013 has not been my most favourite year, but it hasn’t been my worst either. But I honestly don’t have much positive to say about the year 2013.

I started my new job at the end of January this year, so that’s a positive. Decent hours, reasonable pay, benefits etc. For me, making a huge change like starting a new job is a big step. I hate change. I hate change like a jug of milk hates the sunlight. But if I didn’t make the change, and chose to stay in my routine, I would only have myself to blame. So that decision (job wise) I’m 100% happy with.

No, I’m not going to list every single good and bad thing that’s happened to me, because (a) I don’t really remember much of 2013, and (b) I don’t really remember much of 2013. Also, it would be totally tasteless and boring to rehash the year that was (almost). This last month and a bit has been pretty tough, what with being screwed over by a 2nd hand car dealership, liaising with an attorney, and wondering what the *beep* we were going to do about our car situation. It didn’t help that it was right around Christmas, and I didn’t want this awful situation to affect the Christmas that my daughter deserved. Well, let me just say that there really are guardian angels out there. Good, decent people. The car dealership that we have now bought our ‘new’ 2nd hand vehicle from, gifted my daughter a 1k gift voucher to 1 of the major retailers, ensuring that she had the most wonderful Christmas ever. My husband worked his sexy tight ass off, and also ensured that M-L had a fantastic Christmas. I cannot even explain how spoilt she was, and I don’t have to. The amount of presents and love that she was showered with took every ounce of sadness away, even if it was only for a few hours.

I am not going to lie; this year has seen me fall into a dark place, a few times. There was a time when I seriously considered throwing in the towel. And no, I don’t mean run away. I mean remove myself from the situation completely. But then I realised how God damned selfish that would be, picked myself up, slapped my face and pulled myself towards myself. No, I don’t have it all figured out. No, I have no idea how we’re making the monthly payments for our new car. But my daughter and husband love me, and I love them. I am certainly ending this year a hell of a lot happier than how I started it.

2014 is already off to a good start; I got into work this morning and as I sat gaping in sheer dispair at the 88 e-mails that I had to go through, 1 of those e-mails made my year. My application to study via work assisted studies in 2014 has been approved! I may not have been able to study right out of school, but I am taking full advantage of it now, and nothing will hold me back!

So 2013, thanks for the life lessons, the kicks up the butt and the wtf moments. But I am happily bidding you adieu; watch the door doesn’t hit you on the way out! Actually, let it – that will totally make my year! 😉

Have a fantastic and safe New Year’s Eve everybody! ‘See’ you in 2014 😀

G

the greatest blog post in the world

Is not this one.

My mom and I were chatting yesterday evening after I’d stopped by at her house after work and fetching M-L from creche, and our little routine is that she carries M-L to the car, buckles her into her car seat, and then we end up chatting for 2mins, 5mins, sometimes 10mins. She stands outside the car, next to M-L, door open and I sit in the driver’s seat, and we just chat. Sometimes about random stuff, sometimes about important stuff, but it’s mostly venting or ranting or just arbitrary nonsense.

But yesterday, she gave me such a great blogging idea, an idea so immense, that I have totally forgotten what it was. I literally forgot in the time that it took from driving from her house to my house, which is 7km away, and takes me generally about 5-10mins, depending on my mood which ultimately determines my driving style.

I could absolutely kick myself; I sometimes really struggle to find a decent topic to blog about and then when I do, I either duff it up by stumbling through it, or forgetting it altogether.

It’s crazy; I can remember lines in a play, recite poetry by heart, remember lyrics to a song, but I cannot remember something that I was discussing 10mins earlier. This short-term memory lapse thing is really crap! My hubby has been going on about it for years, but now that it’s starting to frustrate me, I kinda get the steam pouring out of his ears when he asks me what I think about something, and I turn around and say “about what?”

I have been told so many times to write stuff down, but that’s just not who I am. I used to be able to have our weekly production meetings, and type out the minutes afterwards purely from memory! I can recall things discussed in last week’s meeting, or even the meeting from 2 months ago, just don’t ask me what we discussed this morning. I haven’t suffered a head injury (that I’m aware of!) and the only thing I can think of is the dreaded, sometimes fictitious ‘pregnancy brain’ but c’mon, it’s been 4 years already! Almost 5 if you include the pregnancy!

Ay, I dunno. I tend to remember things when I see someone else blog about it, or talk about it, or take a picture of it, and I’m like damn, that could have been me.

One day 😉

G

the princess turns 4!

It's Stuffy mommy!

It’s Stuffy mommy!

So Saturday has come and gone, and oh what a fantastically wonderful day it was! It started with me getting up at 04h20 on Saturday morning, to finish the treasure maps, as I had printed them out of Friday, but was just too tired to complete them on Friday night. I gave up with staining the maps with tea bags as the pages would have never dried in time, so I stood in our kitchen, burning the edges of the maps with my hubby’s lighter, destroying my poor thumb in the process, as well as killing my hubby’s lighter. Oops?! Brightspark (excuse the pun ;)) over here then had the INCREDIBLE idea to burn the edges of the maps with our gas top, I mean duh! It seems so logical! A candle would have also sufficed, but I’m not that logical… So I rolled 30 maps, tied them with ribbon, and then almost set 26 of them alight.
It's Doc McStuffins! (And as excited as she was, that's actually a yawn that I caught her in!)

It’s Doc McStuffins! (And as excited as she was, that’s actually a yawn that I caught her in!)

That took me to about 06h00 or thereabouts, and I then decided to go and have a shower and get ready for the party, as I still had to go through to the shops for breadrolls and gold coins 🙂 Hubby woke up M-L at about 06h30 and we then gave her her 2 presents; 1 from us and 1 from her Nana and Kulu in Port Elizabeth.So after the presents were unwrapped and the princess and I dressed in our pirate gear, I made my way through to Hillcrest to get the last minute items. And of course my list of 2 things became 10 things, and I ended up buying things like polystyrene cups and paper plates for the adults which weren’t even needed, as the venue provided crockery for the adults, but in my mad panic I forgot this little detail…
My beautiful sister, the pirate princess and me :)

My beautiful sister, the pirate princess and me 🙂

I wanted to be at the venue at 08h00 as the party was starting at 10h00 and I still needed to decorate and I was seriously worried that 2 hours was not going to be long enough. That’s me, always in a panic, especially when it comes to my daughter’s party. Thank goodness it only happens once a year… Anyway, I got to Akimbo just after 08h20 and started setting up, and was ready to go at 09h40, 20mins before the party was set to start.
Arriving at her Jake & the Neverland Pirates party :)

Arriving at her Jake & the Neverland Pirates party 🙂

I couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful day; the weather forecast had said all week that it was going to be raining on Saturday, so when we woke up to blue skies and scattered clouds, I was one very happy mama! Some of our guests even got sunburnt! As a contingency plan, hubby and I had asked my mom to bake 3 dozen cupcakes, and then we were going to get the kids to ice and decorate them. That I think, should win party planning award of the year. It was such a success, with kids making 2 and even 3 cupcakes! It was just so much fun – thanks for baking the cupcakes and making the icing and organising the sprinkles ma!
The kidlets icing and decorating their cupcakes

The kidlets icing and decorating their cupcakes

My awesome mom had even organised a jumping castle for the princess, and as I had promised her one months ago, that was just perfect 🙂 Hubby made swords for the boys, and we both made fairy bags for the girls, and then we ended the party off with a treasure hunt. The treasure hunt almost didn’t happen, but as there was about to be a riot due to the fact that I had cancelled the treasure hunt, I very quickly put it back on! Thank goodness I had gone and bought the gold coins, and they ended up being the treasure, instead of my original plan of ‘Captain Hook stealing the party bags’. Oh me and my impulsive decisions!
Notice the beautiful blue sky ;)

Notice the beautiful blue sky 😉

As there were supposed to be close on 30 children at the party, we had organised 2 cakes, but as only about 15 children arrived, I now have cake coming out of my ears! Both cakes were absolutely stunning, both to look at and to eat! Yes, cake IS on the menu in my house for this week 😉
Bucky the pirate ship cakes :)

Bucky the pirate ship cakes 🙂

It was absolutely wonderful having our family and friends there, celebrating my little pumpkin-pie’s 4th birthday party, and out of the 4 parties that we have thrown her, this was by FAR the very best. It has rained on all 3 of her previous birthday parties, plus this year her party was on her actual birthday 🙂 Everything just ran so smoothly, from the goodies from my aunts in both the UK and USA arriving last week (we were seriously stressing that they weren’t) to the catering coming together to the decorations, everything just worked out. There was a minor glitch in the preparation; at 06h34 on Saturday morning the photographer cancelled on me due to car trouble. I just stood there, speechless. I had no idea what to do or say. Hubby came through and asked what was wrong, and through my tears I told him that we no longer had a photographer. He immediately phoned his dad, who let us borrow his AH-MAAAAY-ZING digital camera (the quality is so good, that the minimum picture size is 10mb!) plus I had my bestest friend V and my mom happily snapping away. So crisis averted 🙂 Between the 3 of them, I’d say we got about 600-800 photo’s so I’m certainly not complaining 🙂 The princess was thoroughly spoilt by all that came to the party, and for that I’m so very grateful.
Just some of the 'haul' ;)

Just some of the ‘haul’ 😉

It’s crazy how 7 intense filled months of planning, were done and dusted in just over 2 hours. But you know what, I wouldn’t change a single thing. M-L had such a fantastic morning, and I loved watching her interact with all of her friends and it was really great to socialise with my friends outside of work, and also my family outside of home! The hugest of huge thank-you’s to my wonderful mommy, who without her levelheadedness and calmness, I would NEVER have been able to pull any of this off. To my hubby for constantly putting up with my insanity, spending splurges and ever present calmness – THANK-YOU. And to every single person involved in making Saturday morning happen – THANK-YOU!
The birthday pirate princess!

The birthday pirate princess!