today i’m ok

I don’t know what it is about today; I haven’t slept, I have the worst heartburn since being pregnant, I have a million worries and stresses, but today I’m ok. I’m happy. I’m smiling. I’m calm. I literally went from work to work last night, only getting home at 00h10 this morning, and because it was so late, I didn’t want to chance taking my sleeping pills. And so I lay in bed, my brain racing, my thoughts running away from me, listening to the wind rustling through the trees, and the kids moving about in their beds. Let’s not forget the husband’s snores… And then my alarm went off at 04h30, I lay in bed until 05h00, and then my day started.

I stood in the shower, absorbing the hot water as I washed my hair and brushed my teeth, and got ready for my Thursday. And I just felt at peace. I went and cuddled with Morgan-Lee, the twins woke up happy and giggling, and the morning at home just went so smoothly. I know that it’s because I was calm, collected and just took it one step and breath at a time.

The day has started, work is hectic, and I got this.

Today, I got this.

G

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who’s being strong for me?

Depression is a strange thing. One day, one moment, you’re feeling calm and at peace, so sure of life, so sure of your future and the promise it may bring. The very next moment, the very next second, your world seems to cave in on you, and you can’t breathe, you can’t see tomorrow, and you simply don’t know what to do. You are paralyzed by fear.

I’m often told that I’m a strong person. I’m a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I have a lot of people counting on me, relying on me. I simply don’t have a choice to be anything but strong. But what depression does, is come along and isolate you, and make you feel so alone, so scared, so silent, that you don’t want to be strong anymore, because you can’t see the strength around you. You don’t see who is in turn being strong for you.

I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed lately; finances, my kids, the husband, work, life. I think I’ve been managing it, but I can feel this gnawing at my insides, the self-doubt lingering, the fear limiting my happiness. It’s awful. There is just so much going on all at once, and my brain is just really battling to organise it all, to put each item into its respective slot. And it’s making me sick. And I don’t like it.

My heart is physically aching right now, and I can’t tell you why. But I don’t know if it’s because of what is going on in my life, or if there is an underlying issue. All I know is that for the past week or so, I have not been feeling myself (get your mind out of the gutter – sorry, couldn’t resist!). And not my normal stress and anxiety, but simply unwell. Tight chest, fuzzy head, and just this feeling of sickness. The days seem to be running away from me, and I’m losing track. How did my life get to this point?! Have I finally reached my breaking point, am I now burning out? Have I pushed myself too far to provide for my family, to be the happy-go-lucky woman that so many know me to be?

I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I just know that I’m tired, and that I need to rest, and soon.

I wish I could see who was being strong for me, and believe it. With all my heart, I do.

G

2016; the year of wtaf

I don’t know about you, but 2016 has been a really crappy year for me. The bad news has just seemingly been never-ending.

I don’t even actually have the energy to write in-depth as to what is going on now, but please just keep the husband in your thoughts. Yet another medical scare that we’re currently dealing with.

G

me

Hi. My name is Genevieve. I am 30 years old, a wife, mom to 3, daughter to an amazing mommy, cousin to many, niece and friend. But that sounds so generic, as so many people are parents, siblings, spouses… So I’ve decided to share a little more about myself (eeek); so here goes…

Secretary vibes...

Secretary vibes…

By day (Monday-Friday), I am a secretary to a very busy Factory Manager. I love my job, I love my boss, I love my colleagues and I love my company. I can honestly say that I look forward to work every day. Yes, I have my boring, monotonous moments, but I’ve seen just what a team and family we all are, especially in the last few months, and I’m so very grateful for such an amazing support team. I took this job back in 2013 having never been a secretary or PA before, and this being my 2nd big corporate company to work for. I left the comfort of my job for the past 5 years to experience something new, and I’m so glad that I did. For those who know me well, they know that I do not adjust well to change, and especially having become so comfortable in my previous job, this was a huge step for me. But I took that step, and I’ve never looked back.

By night (and sometimes by day, on the weekends) I am a waitress. I work part-time for a mobile bar

Waitressing vibes...

Waitressing vibes…

and events company, and even though the hours can be crazy long sometimes, I love it. My bosses are awesome, I’ve worked for and with some really amazing people, and I’ve met some great new friends. My little car and I have driven from the North Coast to the South Coast, in the rain and at night, in the boiling sun and in the wee hours of the morning. I’ve dropped staff at home, waited for their lifts, and had far too many laughs and giggles to even think about work. I have had maybe 1-2 functions where I’ve seriously considered just leaving, but that’s just not in my nature. So with a smile on my face, I serve. I laugh. I interact. I mingle. And sometimes, I even party a little. Seriously awesome 2nd job.

Bubble vibes...

Bubble vibes…

My weekends (every Saturday and the odd Sunday) are spent at a flea market, selling BUBBLES. Yes, bubbles. The hugest, most awesomest (yes I know that’s not a word) bubbles EVER! Seriously, best. job. EVER. It doesn’t matter how young or old you are; you cannot not smile when you see bubbles! And the best part about my 3rd job, is that I get to have some one-on-one time with Morgan-Lee, something that has been seriously lacking in the past 18 months or so. Watching her run around, having fun, interacting with the other kids, just being a kid herself makes me so damn happy. I’ve met some really interesting people, have spent far more money than I’ve made, and am absolutely loving it. It’s hard work; it’s quite a physical job setting up at the market and then packing up at the end of the day, but I’m out of the house. I’m around other adults; I’m socialising *gasp*. I’m rediscovering my fun and extroverted side, my flamboyance and zest for life. And I get to play with bubbles. It’s a no-brainer really 😉

For the other 24 hours in a day (see what I did there) I am mom. Mommy. Mom. Mama. *scream* *squeal* Mommy. Mom. Mom. MOM!! In between those 24 hours, I somehow find time to be a wife (not a very domesticated one as the husband makes supper most nights, does homework but I mean hey. I try 😉 ) I’m a terrible friend in that I will generally only message or contact someone if they’ve messaged or contacted me, but my friends know that if they need me, I’m there. No matter the time, whether it’s day or night. I’ll be there. Over the years my list of friends has whittled down, partly because I just haven’t stayed in touch with people but I think it’s more to do with the fact that the friends that I have in my life right now, are who I need in my life right now. I have loads of acquaintances and friends, but only a handful or 2 of really close, can-we-move-in-with-you-if-we-get-evicted friends. And I couldn’t ask for anything more.

My life - Alex, Morgan-Lee &; Maddie (picture courtesy of Krystal Temlett Photography)

My life – Alex, Morgan-Lee & Maddie (picture courtesy of Krystal Temlett Photography)

This year has been tough on me, tough on my family. This year has not only shown me how strong I am, but also how weak I am. That I am not superwoman. I am not supermom. I am just trying to get through every day, alive. These hardships that we as a family have experienced this year will fade. They are only temporary. We will come out of this stronger. I will come out of this stronger. For the first time in I don’t know how long, I asked for help. That was a huge step for me. Huge.

I’m exhausted. I’m tired. I’m broke. I’m happy. This is my life right now, and instead of moping and complaining and hating the world for it, I choose to embrace it. I am working my backside off for those I love, and who love me in return. I am becoming stronger, re-energised, and happier. This year has been hard, I can’t deny it. But I refuse to let it get the better of me. I refuse to let it define who I am as a person, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend.

I will learn, I have learnt, and for that, I am grateful.

G

2016; the year of maybe, just maybe

I’m not what you would call a positive person. I say realist; the husband says pessimist. Potato potaato. I rarely get my hopes up for anything, as life has unfortunately given me too many letdowns, or should I say, I have had too many letdowns in my life. But 2016 is proving to be putting up a little more of a fight.

The husband and I started the year on a bit of a high; 2015 ended up with us having a little bit of spare cash, our family life was relatively stable, and work was well, work. But then a week in 2016, things got a little better. Work wise the husband is happy, stable and secure, I was able to buy “big school” uniforms without breaking the bank, and everything just seemed to be falling into place. Fast forward to the last week of the new month, and things have just continued on the up and up.

The husband is doing so well at work; he’s so happy and he’s finally being realised for the hard worker that he is. I knew that it was only a matter of time, but those first few months were trying, both financially and emotionally. The big girl is LOVING school; in fact on her second day she promptly informed me on the way to school that I must no longer walk in with her, as she knows where her classroom is. Cue my broken heart bouncing all over the floor. I’ve applied for a position at our head office, and whilst they haven’t even started shortlisting candidates yet, I just have a good feeling about it. We were contacted on Wednesday regarding an invoicing issue from the gearbox repairs that we did on our car back in October, and they’re refunding us a portion of our payment today. Yet another month has come and almost gone, and we’re still standing. And not just standing, smiling. Laughing. Happy. Not just surviving. We’re still living each and every day as if we were struggling as badly as we were, as who knows how long this could/will last.

I just find it absolutely amazing that 2.5 months ago, I didn’t know how I was putting food in my children’s tummies, or petrol in the car. I have some amazing guardian angels in my life; friends and family, both near and far (like, internationally far) who rallied around me, and gave me not only emotional support, but financial support, enough to see us through the month. Enough to pick up my spirits, and carry on fighting the fight. To those beautiful souls who helped out my family in our time of dire need, I will never be able to thank-you enough for what you did for us. And not just from the financial side of things. Your messages, scriptures and words of hope, love and support comforted me in some of my darkest hours.

2016 has so far proven itself to be a very interesting year; I have learnt who my true family members are, and not all of them are blood related. I have learnt that I am a good mom, even though I stumble through it most days, my children love me and I love them with all that I am. I have learnt that even though the husband and I are at each other’s throats at least twice a month, we love each other so deeply, and 12.5 years into it, we’re still learning about each other, learning what makes each of us tick. I have learnt that you cannot expect change, from someone who simply refuses to see their flaws and make the necessary changes, even though they are making the exact same mistake, for the 15th time. I have learnt that I need to take a step back, even if it means watching that person fall and crash, purely because they have refused to listen to reason. I have learnt that I am stronger than I ever knew I was, both physically and emotionally. I have learnt that I don’t have to be strong all of the time, that it’s ok to lose my cool over the fact that the babies are crying AGAIN and I still haven’t showered and we have to leave the house in 5 minutes. I have learnt that I am not supermom, I am just mom. And that is enough.

2016, I have a feeling about you. Dare I say a good feeling, but a feeling nonetheless.

Bring it.

G