i’m not going to lie, it’s been tough

Children are a blessing. I won’t deny that. But I also won’t deny that they’re tough to deal with, especially in their first few months. Multiply that 1 baby by 2, and you have my current situation.

My mom-in-law was with us for the twins’ first 3 weeks of life, and for that I’m so grateful. She was such an incredible help, and very rarely did I have to deal with both babies. When she left to go back home, almost 1000km away I sort of lost it. All of a sudden I had to deal with both babies, at once! The lowest point was when the twins were 4 weeks old, and I didn’t know what I was doing, why I was doing it, and why the hell I’d decided to have another baby. My family was just perfect with the 3 of us in it, but I was adamant that we needed to add to it, and now I had these 2 little people that relied on me 100% and I thought I was losing my mind. I would definitely say that I had a bout of post-natal depression, but it was up to me to pull myself towards myself and get over it.

Luckily, this time around I did get over it very quickly. With my eldest daughter, it wasn’t so easy but I had a constant support system as we were living with my mom. This time around I had 2 babies and we were in our own home, and I was alone for all intents and purposes. In a few days I was almost back to normal, as I realized that no amount of “what if’s” were going to change my situation. I was a mom to twins, and they needed me. So I went into robot mode, and did the very best that I could, and knew how.

The twins are 8 weeks old this Thursday, and I can happily say that things are so much better, and I’m no longer in “robot mode”. I’m really enjoying them now, I’m enjoying being their mommy. I’m interacting with them more, talking to them, cooing and laughing, smiling and encouraging their personalities. Yes it’s been tough. Yes, I was depressed. Yes, I didn’t want them. Post pregnancy hormones are nasty buggars. It wasn’t a pleasant few weeks. But I feel like I’ve really got this now, and I’ve even managed to start to engage and interact more with my husband and eldest daughter again. For those first few weeks I locked myself away with my thoughts and loneliness, and it hurt me. It hurt my family. But this hasn’t exactly been a “normal” situation.

We are a family of 5 now, and I honestly can’t wait to see what the future holds for all of us.

Yes it’s been tough. But nothing worthwhile has ever been easy.

G

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i have a broken heart

Last week Friday, my best friend for the past 7 years moved away. Luckily just to another province, but it may as well have been another continent. I took the day off of work, so that we could spend the morning together and have breakfast, before she made her 5 hour drive up the map to the Free State. Her decision was made last year, but her destination changed twice before she finally decided where she was going to end up.

V has her head screwed on the right way, whereas I don’t. And that’s one of the many reasons that we clicked. V has had her share of heartache and drama; from cheating ex-husbands leaving her in financial distress, to abusing boyfriends, to working 2 jobs trying to make ends meet. And you know what? It has all paid off. V doesn’t have a job to go to, but she has a savings kitty to fall back on, plus her mom plus the most AMAZING boyfriend. V has worked her backside off these past few years; she hasn’t sat back and waited for life to be fair; she’s gone out and demanded her piece of it.

You always know where you stand with V. She says it like it is. Our one truly awful fight in December 2010 almost broke me, because not having her in my life was so wrong, it felt unnatural. The other fantastic thing about V, is that she knew how to keep business and personal separate. We met in 2007 when I started my previous job, and over the years she’s taught me, criticised me, given me warnings, but then after work we’ve gone out for supper or drinks, or a girls’ night out where I’ve woken up the next morning wondering how the hell I ended up on her couch!

M-L ADORES V. I mean ADORES. You’d think that V was her mother instead of me! We went out for supper a few weeks ago (that was the night that the waiter let M-L out into the parking lot) and the way that M-L squealed when she saw V on the other side of the restaurant, and then ran towards her at full speed, and literally threw herself into her waiting arms, had the whole restaurant looking our way, and every person watching us had the goofiest grin on their face, because even they could see the love emulating from my daughter to V.

V and I have laughed together, cried together, we’ve even fought together (although I’m happy to report not that much) and right now, at this point in time, I feel hollow. A piece of my heart is missing, and it’s sitting in Welkom. Most Wednesday’s after lectures I’d stop at V’s house as it was on the way home, and I keep having to remind myself that I mustn’t do that tomorrow, because she doesn’t live here anymore.

My heart is sore.

My heart is weeping.

My heart is broken.

G

i think i’ve lost my mojo

I’m sitting here at my desk, utterly lost. And I’m not actually sure why. These last few weeks have been strange, like I’ve physically felt the happiness that I was feeling, literally leaving me, bit by bit, day by day. I am not by nature a happy person. I call it being realistic, others call it being a pessimist. I’m not denying that I’m a pessimist, but as I have said before, I’d rather set myself up for disappointment, so that when I am disappointed, it’s not such a huge blow. The happiness that I felt just a few short weeks ago, feels like a lifetime ago. The carefree nature that I experienced is gone; my laughter is a quiet smile these days, and the excitement and motivation that I felt regarding my training and the road races that I’ve entered is gone.

My lack of motivation with regards to my road running, has me seriously considering not even rocking up for next weekend’s race. I’m nowhere near prepared, but that has never stopped me before. I just cannot be bothered. I have my big race at the end of next month, and again I am just not interested. I would quite rather curl up into bed and sleep away this exhaustion and sadness that has crept up on me. These last 2 days have been especially despairing. And I cannot even tell you why. And that is because I just don’t know why.

I’ve also become nasty. And jealous. And even a little selfish. And I am none of those 3 things. Those 3 words scare me. I don’t like those 3 words at all. Yet here I am typing them, to describe me.

Where have I gone? Will I come back? And no, this isn’t a plea for help, or a ‘feel sorry for me’ post. These are my feelings that I am documenting, because the change has just been all too sudden. I’m used to my mood changing in the blink of an eye, but this spiral downwards just feels so unexpected, so unwarranted.

And I don’t have anymore words to type, so I’m just going to leave it as is.

G

the obligatory year end post

Yes I’m still around. Me not blogging in a while is what happens when I go on leave and don’t have access to my own pc ie: work internet get stuck doing housework and being a housewife and preparing Christmas lunch and celebrating baby brother’s 21st birthday and fighting 2nd hand car dealerships. I need leave to recover from my 2 weeks leave. I only had 2-ish days to myself; Thursday the 19th (lunch with the bestie), Friday the 27th (lunch and play date with M-L’s ‘boyfriend’ and his mom) and yesterday when my husband told me to take a relax day. I only actually sat down and chilled in front of the tv at about 15h00. So yeah… All in all, 2013 has not been my most favourite year, but it hasn’t been my worst either. But I honestly don’t have much positive to say about the year 2013.

I started my new job at the end of January this year, so that’s a positive. Decent hours, reasonable pay, benefits etc. For me, making a huge change like starting a new job is a big step. I hate change. I hate change like a jug of milk hates the sunlight. But if I didn’t make the change, and chose to stay in my routine, I would only have myself to blame. So that decision (job wise) I’m 100% happy with.

No, I’m not going to list every single good and bad thing that’s happened to me, because (a) I don’t really remember much of 2013, and (b) I don’t really remember much of 2013. Also, it would be totally tasteless and boring to rehash the year that was (almost). This last month and a bit has been pretty tough, what with being screwed over by a 2nd hand car dealership, liaising with an attorney, and wondering what the *beep* we were going to do about our car situation. It didn’t help that it was right around Christmas, and I didn’t want this awful situation to affect the Christmas that my daughter deserved. Well, let me just say that there really are guardian angels out there. Good, decent people. The car dealership that we have now bought our ‘new’ 2nd hand vehicle from, gifted my daughter a 1k gift voucher to 1 of the major retailers, ensuring that she had the most wonderful Christmas ever. My husband worked his sexy tight ass off, and also ensured that M-L had a fantastic Christmas. I cannot even explain how spoilt she was, and I don’t have to. The amount of presents and love that she was showered with took every ounce of sadness away, even if it was only for a few hours.

I am not going to lie; this year has seen me fall into a dark place, a few times. There was a time when I seriously considered throwing in the towel. And no, I don’t mean run away. I mean remove myself from the situation completely. But then I realised how God damned selfish that would be, picked myself up, slapped my face and pulled myself towards myself. No, I don’t have it all figured out. No, I have no idea how we’re making the monthly payments for our new car. But my daughter and husband love me, and I love them. I am certainly ending this year a hell of a lot happier than how I started it.

2014 is already off to a good start; I got into work this morning and as I sat gaping in sheer dispair at the 88 e-mails that I had to go through, 1 of those e-mails made my year. My application to study via work assisted studies in 2014 has been approved! I may not have been able to study right out of school, but I am taking full advantage of it now, and nothing will hold me back!

So 2013, thanks for the life lessons, the kicks up the butt and the wtf moments. But I am happily bidding you adieu; watch the door doesn’t hit you on the way out! Actually, let it – that will totally make my year! 😉

Have a fantastic and safe New Year’s Eve everybody! ‘See’ you in 2014 😀

G

the greatest blog post in the world

Is not this one.

My mom and I were chatting yesterday evening after I’d stopped by at her house after work and fetching M-L from creche, and our little routine is that she carries M-L to the car, buckles her into her car seat, and then we end up chatting for 2mins, 5mins, sometimes 10mins. She stands outside the car, next to M-L, door open and I sit in the driver’s seat, and we just chat. Sometimes about random stuff, sometimes about important stuff, but it’s mostly venting or ranting or just arbitrary nonsense.

But yesterday, she gave me such a great blogging idea, an idea so immense, that I have totally forgotten what it was. I literally forgot in the time that it took from driving from her house to my house, which is 7km away, and takes me generally about 5-10mins, depending on my mood which ultimately determines my driving style.

I could absolutely kick myself; I sometimes really struggle to find a decent topic to blog about and then when I do, I either duff it up by stumbling through it, or forgetting it altogether.

It’s crazy; I can remember lines in a play, recite poetry by heart, remember lyrics to a song, but I cannot remember something that I was discussing 10mins earlier. This short-term memory lapse thing is really crap! My hubby has been going on about it for years, but now that it’s starting to frustrate me, I kinda get the steam pouring out of his ears when he asks me what I think about something, and I turn around and say “about what?”

I have been told so many times to write stuff down, but that’s just not who I am. I used to be able to have our weekly production meetings, and type out the minutes afterwards purely from memory! I can recall things discussed in last week’s meeting, or even the meeting from 2 months ago, just don’t ask me what we discussed this morning. I haven’t suffered a head injury (that I’m aware of!) and the only thing I can think of is the dreaded, sometimes fictitious ‘pregnancy brain’ but c’mon, it’s been 4 years already! Almost 5 if you include the pregnancy!

Ay, I dunno. I tend to remember things when I see someone else blog about it, or talk about it, or take a picture of it, and I’m like damn, that could have been me.

One day 😉

G