dear cl

The husband told me this morning just after 4am that you were no longer with us, that your fight was over. I don’t think it registered with him what he was actually saying to me, as he closed his eyes and drifted off back to sleep. Well, that’s what it looked like to me.

I lay awake, in silent shock. I knew that you were sick. I just didn’t realise how bad it was. I went and looked at your beautiful wife’s Facebook account, and I couldn’t hold back the tears as post after post confirmed the awful news; you were gone. I saw the pictures of you fighting, so so sick, but fighting. And my heart broke. It broke for your mom, for your wife, for your family. And it also broke for my husband.

These past few months, well 20 months have been tough, for both you and him on an emotional level, aside from your diagnosis a year ago. In the short few years that you and him knew each other, your bond was that of brotherhood and friendship, and this morning I held him as he cried, knowing that he and you would never again be able to talk, knowing that everything that happened over the past few months would not be discussed face-to-face. That he wouldn’t be able to shake your hand again, that he wouldn’t be able to hug you again. You and him haven’t spoken since March last year, but the bonds of friendship were never fully broken, and he was looking forward to the day when you were again brothers.

I phoned him a short while ago, and I listened as he broke down, I listened as he explained how angry he was at himself for not going to see you, for not embracing you and being there for you. So I told him to take the words in his heart and mind, and to speak them to you, because you will hear them.

I am so sorry CL. I am so sorry that your light was put out before it had a real chance to burn. But, you were the most genuine, honest, kind and sincere person I’ve ever had the honour of meeting. I am so sorry for L and your mom. My heart is aching for them. I hope that you are pain free, and that you know that the husband and I will be there for your family, always.

Fly high with the angels, and don’t forget to check in from time to time.

G x

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life without the drugs

It’s been almost 2 months since I took my last pill. No, it wasn’t something that I discussed with my shrink, because it just kind of happened, without me intentionally doing it. 

I tried to go off of my anti-depressants at the end of May, beginning of June and it didn’t go well. I was so high strung, very emotional and was waiting for my crash. And so I went back on them, as well as also taking my 2 different types of sleeping tablets every night. Then, sometime in June, I went to go and refill my sleeping tablet script, but due to a glitch at the pharmacy, I couldn’t get the 1 type. And so I went a couple of nights with just the 1 pill, and it did nothing. I tossed and turned and what little sleep I did get was filled with nightmares and fear. And so I stopped taking that pill, because no sleep was better than a terror filled sleep.

As fate or luck would have it, I started sleeping again. I am still a horrendously light sleeper, but I can fall asleep again without the assistance of some very strong pills. Whilst I was still busy digesting this, every other day I would forget to take my anti-depressant. I didn’t do it on purpose, I genuinely forgot. Mornings in my house are chaotic, to put it mildly. And I think it was only about 2 weeks or so after I stopped taking them completely, that when I arrived home the one evening and saw the box on the kitchen counter, I honestly couldn’t remember when I had last taken 1. And it caught me completely by surprise.  

Yes I am still tired. Yes, I am still a depressive person. But I do feel that I have a firmer grasp on what’s going on in my head, well at least most days. I still have my quiet moments, my happy moments, and my really sad moments. I still have so much going on in my life, stress and worry, bills and finances, but at least I sort of have a grip on something, 1 thing in my life. These past few days have been especially tough on me; I was unceremoniously “dismissed” from 1 of my part-time jobs on Monday evening, without even being given an opportunity to ask why. I then removed my Facebook, twitter and Snapchat apps off of my phone to just give me a break from it all, to give myself a chance to regroup and figure out where I was in my headspace. I’m still seriously hurting from what happened on Monday night, and I was in an extremely dark place on Tuesday, the first day of my new job. I also made the incredibly hard decision to put myself under debt review for the second time in my life, as my debt is just swallowing me whole. No it’s not something that I ever thought I’d be going through again in my lifetime, but I cannot keep up the hectic working lifestyle that I am, plus be a mom and wife, as I will burn out. Going under debt review doesn’t magically fix all of my financial worries, but it helps. 

The plans I had for my future have taken a bit of a backstep at the moment. But that’s ok. I’m going to use these next few years to reassess my choices and decisions, and also the direction that I want my life to go in. I’m 31 years old, and I have no stinking clue as to why I’m here, what my purpose is, who I am. And I need to figure all of that out, for me, for my kids. 

So, no more drugs. That was a the first step. A new job which is giving me more time with my kids, that was the second step. Getting my finances sorted out, that’s my current step. Working on me, well that’s the step I have to take in between trying to stay sane as I muddle on through this thing called life.

They say that life only really begins at 40.

Here’s hoping.

G

tomorrow is the day

May the 3rd, 2017.

This is the day that my mom’s eyesight will be saved. All thanks to the generosity of friends, family and complete strangers.

I wish I could adequately express my sincere gratitude to you all, how I wish I could explain the relief coursing through my veins, knowing that my mommy is going to be ok. She will keep her sight. It’s overwhelming at times, and I’m just so eternally grateful.

I will be posting an update after the surgery, once I know that all has gone well. She goes in at 08h30 tomorrow, South African time.

Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Love and light.
G x

the fate of the furious {review}

Dame Helen Mirren is not one you would normally associate with a movie franchise such as The Fast and The Furious. But hot-damn! She nailed her role so perfectly as the mama bear in FF8, that even I was a little scared of her! Oops… Maybe you didn’t know she was in it. Well now you do!

Image courtesy of Google

My mom won tickets through MNet Movies to watch the pre-screening of FF8 at Gateway IMAX last night. And man oh man, it did not disappoint. Well, it kinda did. But mostly it didn’t…

Family, Dominic Toretto’s core value is at the heart of this movie. And it had me gripped onto my seat at every second. Whilst there weren’t as many car scenes as in previous FF movies, the action was non-stop. I personally found the acting between Hobbs and Shaw a bit forced, like they were trying too hard.

Image courtesy of Google

And I know that Jason Statham is a Brit, and he’s gorgeous and I love pretty much anything he acts in, but his accent seemed a bit forced… I dunno. I found him to be more badass in FF7. BUT, having said that, he was AMAZING in the last few scenes of the movie… Family people, that’s all I’m going to say.

Charlize Theron, our South African export. Well she’s just pure evil. You thought she played the baddie in Monster well… She outdid herself in FF8. Her character is one of the most evil, conniving and heartless I’ve ever come across. And what her character was capable of, makes me just that much more paranoid about technology, and who exactly is watching us out there. Hashtag, just saying.

Image courtesy of Google

Scott Eastwood was a really great addition to the cast, and I don’t believe that he was placed as Paul Walker’s replacement. I must admit that I didn’t quite understand why he was in the final scene of the movie, as he is the police, or FBI or whatever… But he obviously has a bigger role to play in FF9 etc.

There were some familiar faces as well that popped up in the film, which I thought was absolutely brilliant. Think Brazil, and FF6.

All in all, it was a great movie, loads of action and a great story-line. A lack of continuity here and there, but I really did enjoy it. I would have liked to have seen more car action sequences, but what was in the film was pretty damn awesome. Roman and the orange Lambo. Only Roman. What exactly is his skill again, apart from talking and eating?!

Thanks MNet; can’t wait for the next Night Out!

G

no please don’t cry… again…

I’m tired. No. I’m exhausted. I’m so exhausted that I’m tired. I don’t even remember what a full night’s sleep is, let alone half a night’s sleep.

Maddie has always been the better sleeper, niggling once at about 2am or so, but then settling very quickly after I give her her bottle. Alex has always been my little terrorist; on a good night he wakes 3-4 times, a bad night sees him not sleeping at all. But for the past 3 nights, Maddie has been even worse than him.

Alex has this terrible habit of shrieking at 2am; I’m talking straight-through-your-eardrum kinda shriek. Most mornings I can get to him before he starts shrieking, so that I can take him through to the lounge, where I fight with him to settle for anywhere up to an hour, and then he usually either lies quietly on my chest, or passes out. But he really battles to settle down, and most of the time I put him into the cot that we’ve got in the lounge, and I curl up on the couch. Somehow Maddie has cottoned onto this, and whilst she doesn’t shriek like Alex, she has woken up 4 times each night for the past 3 nights. So where I usually just have 1 baby to try and settle, there’s me in the lounge with both of them, rocking and bouncing, trying to stop them from pushing themselves out of my arms, and also trying not to lose it completely.

This morning was no different; I ended up in the lounge with Alex at about 3am, after finally getting Maddie settled for the 2nd time. I sat with Alex for about 30mins, but he had no intention of falling asleep in my arms. At about 4am, I put him into the cot in the lounge with a juice bottle, and he lay down drinking it. I then curled up on the couch and waited. At about 5am I woke up, almost in a panic. Maddie was niggling in the bedroom. Now I do generally know which niggle I can ignore, and which I need to tend to ASAP; this niggle however had me a bit lost. I lay on the couch and waited… and waited… and waited. After about 5mins or so she stopped, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Then I almost smacked myself for almost waking Alex up, as he had fallen asleep in the cot by the couch. And all I could think of when I was listening to Maddie niggle?

Please don’t cry again. Please don’t wake up. Please please please. I don’t actually know if I can deal with it.

At 5am this morning I was fighting back tears; big, fat, wet tears, at the thought of having to raise my exhausted body off of the couch, to go and see to Maddie. Maddie has slept through once in almost 13 months; Alex never has. In the last 7 years my sleeping pattern has deteriorated to the point where I wake at anything, but the past 2 years have been pretty awful; basically my pregnancy with the twins and the subsequent months. What sounds like bliss to me? A night alone; just me and a huge comfy bed. Will that ever happen? Not in the foreseeable future!

Now some will see me as ungrateful, a bad mom, whatever. Think what you want. I love my children (not that I have anything to justify to anyone but anyway…) with all that I am, and even though I don’t know if I could have handled getting up to see to Maddie this morning if she needed me to, I know that I would have. Because I’m her mommy. And we do what seems like the impossible sometimes, because it’s ingrained in our souls, in our beings as mommy’s.

My life - Alex, Morgan-Lee & Maddie (picture courtesy of Krystal Temlett Photography)

My life – Alex, Morgan-Lee & Maddie (picture courtesy of Krystal Temlett Photography)

No, parenting isn’t all unicorn parties and sparkles. It’s an exhausting, frustrating, depressing, anger inducing journey, that has sob-fest tendencies, with a sideline of wine by the bucket load. But parenting is also getting to that point where you feel that you just cannot do it anymore, and something so simple as a hug, or a kiss on your forehead reminds you why you haven’t thrown the towel in just yet. A stick figure drawing (the 10th for the month) of the family, all smiling and holding hands. Sticky fingers asking you to share a biscuit. Learning how to clap hands, stand up and give a kiss.

An unexpected “I love you mommy”.

Listening to your son say “oh dear” when he throws his bottle out of the cot, because that’s what you do. (say oh dear, not throw his bottle out of the cot!)

Playing “ta” with your youngest, because she thinks it’s the best thing ever, and feeling so proud, because she ACTUALLY understands the concept.

Knowing that these 3 little people are from me, are a part of me.

Always.

G

Alex & Maddie - picture courtesy of Krystal Temlett Photography

Alex & Maddie – picture courtesy of Krystal Temlett Photography