if only it were a patina

The days have been wearing me thin lately. Every day, I find it that much more difficult to wake up, get up, and face the day. Face my life.

Every day I smile, I laugh, and inside I die, just that little bit more. My psyche is wearing thin, my shininess, my value. My worth. I don’t even know what my face looks like without the 2 dark rings that have taken up permanent residence under my eyes. It has become too much of an effort to try and hide the darkness with make-up, so I no longer bother. My exposure to this life, my struggles, has not made me stronger, but it has made me feel old. Apparently there’s value in things that are old. I don’t feel valuable. I feel worn out, run out, and far from ornamental.

I used to relish in the control that I had over my own life, but exposure to life’s realities and cruelty, has left me tarnished, smeared, empty. Where once there was a heart full of happiness and excitement, now lies hollowness, sadness, bitterness. My exposure to this world has not left with me a patina that is valuable, that is worth getting excited over.

My patina instead is dull, dark, ugly. And diminishing in value.

Who am I.

Who I am.

G

via Daily Prompt: Patina

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remembering you

There is a certain fragrance in my life, that transports me instantly back to my childhood. To sleepovers and giggles, to whacks across my backside, lazy summer days at the public pools, and trips on the bus across town. To long hugs, nuzzling my face into the crook of your neck, sitting at your dresser dabbing cream onto my face and arms. Your cream. Your smell. Your love.

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Source – Google

I cannot smell that cream without a flood of emotions and love barreling into my heart. I cannot smell that cream without a gut-wrenching sucker-punch to my psyche. I cannot smell that cream without thinking of you.

It’s been 20 years since I smelt your love, and almost 17 years since you left us all.

But I am grateful that I have a way back to you, a way to remember you when my memories seem to fail you.

My Nana.

via Daily Prompt: Fragrance

on making a decision, any decision

There’s something oddly calming about making a decision. Like this invisible blanket of comfort and fortitude envelopes you, and for that one moment, you feel safe. You feel ok. I’m not talking about deciding what meal to eat at your favourite restaurant, or what movie to watch on tv. I’m talking about life changing decisions, decisions that will affect you and those around you for years to come.

I am not known for my decision making, and I’m even more infamous for back tracking on any decisions that I do make. I tend to take comfort in my routine, in my norm. In what I know. And that has been hurting me.

I am far from perfect, as most people are. I know that it takes 2 to tango. But there comes a time when you have to take a step back, and take that plunge. Make that decision.

I’m currently in limbo at the moment, with a huge decision being made only yesterday. And as much as this decision is hurting someone who loves me dearly, I need to find me again. Right now I do not know who I am, and if I don’t know who I am, how can I be the best that I need to be and can be for my children?

These next few weeks are going to determine the rest of my life, our lives. But if yesterday was any indication of how it can be, it will be good.

G

via Daily Prompt: Puncture

learning to walk again, whilst running away

My mind is running away from me. Again.

I wish I could express what is going through my head. I wish I could be me. I don’t even remember being me, who I really am. I just seem to be the person trying to pay all of the bills, trying to pull exhausted rabbits out of non-existent hats. Just trying to breathe. My heartbeat seems to be in a constant race with my mind, forcing me to catch my breathe even whilst sitting at my desk.

I’m on day 8 or 9 of no drugs. It feels weird. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I lay awake on Thursday night, listening to the bats and the wind, watching as the night sky became lighter, all because I was so exhausted, that I had convinced myself that I would sleep without the damn drugs. I didn’t sleep. How I got through last Friday, I don’t know. But I did. So I decided to stay on the sleeping pills, not because I feel rested when I wake up, but because I don’t have to deal with my racing thoughts at night. I can tell that I’m off the anti-depressants, and I’m fighting an inner battle. I have to keep reminding myself that one must learn to walk before they can run, but I just can’t seem to get my head to accept that.

This is something that I face in my physical world as well, during a road run. I start off way too quickly, burning my energy reserves and then cursing myself for the rest of my run. I need to learn to taper myself, in both my physical and emotional worlds.

If only there was a pill for that.

G

via Daily Prompt: Taper

what it feels like, to me

I’ve been very open with my battle against depression. It is a daily fight, a daily struggle, a daily effort to do sometimes the simplest things, like open my eyes to face the new day.

There are days where my head is so busy, so active, that I just go go go, and then crash later on, completely withdrawn into myself, barely acknowledging life happening around me.

Then there are days where my head is empty, my heart is numb, yet the weight of who knows what is pushing down on my shoulders, down on my heart, pushing me deeper and deeper into the darkness. Those days are the scariest to me.

I’d rather have the noise of clatter and nonsense swarming all around me, than the fear of nothing engulfing me. There are things I want to do; read a book, go for a run, write a blog post, but I can’t. I simply don’t have the oomfph to do any of it, but I so desperately want to.

As a person who craves routine and control in her life, not being able to control my ups and downs is beyond frustrating. I hate feeling inadequate and useless and worthless, but it’s not as simple as saying I am adequate, I am useful, and I have worth. I can say it, I can even think it. But I don’t believe it. That’s what people need to understand about depression; there is no quick fix.

I used to think that people with depression just needed a smile slapped on their face and that they’d be fine, and that they just needed to “get over it” basically. Now that I myself am dealing with this on a daily basis, just slapping a smile on my face doesn’t make me “get over it”. Quite the opposite in fact.

Sometimes the quiet in my head hurts so bad, that I cry out loud, because I know that this isn’t me, I know that I can be and do more. But when I try, I reach out and try, the noise comes back, the thoughts start buzzing, the negatively swarms all around me and I’m stuck in my hole, surrounded by my self-inflicted darkness, alone. So so alone. I have people everywhere in my life; at home, down the road, at work, overseas, on the internet, but I am alone. That’s what my head keeps telling me. And it’s so frustrating because I KNOW that it’s self-inflicted. I have the power to be happy; I have the power to rid myself of these feelings. But I can’t. I simply can’t.

I didn’t just wake up a year ago and decide to be depressed. It appeared over a few days of extreme stress and fatigue, and I haven’t been able to get rid of it. I don’t know if a person can ever get rid of their depression; I think that the negativity will always be there, buried somewhere in a dark crevasse of my mind, never fully gone. But I want to be able to control it, instead of it controlling me.

To sum up what depression feels like to me; imagine standing right underneath a beehive, watching as the bees swarm around it angrily in defense of their home. Imagine standing there, feeling every bee sting, silently crying out in pain, but not moving away. Simply because you can’t. Imagine your feet being rooted into the ground; imagine the fear knowing that you should be able to get away from the hurt, the self-inflicted pain, but you simply can’t.

That’s what I deal with every, single, day.

G

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Source – me

via Daily Prompt: Swarm