he’s a good man

The husband and I have a unique relationship. We’ve been together for 11 and a bit years; I’m 28 and he’s 33. He has travelled, I have not. He has had to provide for himself; I have always been under someone else’s roof. His nickname for me is “buzzard” and mine for him is “grumpy.” We have the most awful fights; fights that involve swearing, yelling, tears from both of us, and inevitably me considering leaving. But we always find our way back to one another.

Yesterday was not a good day for me. And it actually had nothing to do with him. It has been bugging me a bit as to why he phoned me so early yesterday morning; he phoned me at about 7:30am when we normally speak only at about 9-10am every morning. When I asked him this morning why he phoned me earlier than normal, he said this:

“I could tell that something wasn’t right with you. I needed to know if you were ok.”

Wow people. Just wow. That is not something he does. L is a complicated person at times, and can so often come across as a bit of an asshole to those that haven’t yet gotten to know him. He detests bullshit, and says it like it is. Tact, he has none. He is hard arsed, and a grumpy ass most days, especially in the mornings, and I do sometimes (read a lot of the time) question his love for me, because he doesn’t really show it. He is not a physical person in the sense of coming up to hug me, or just giving my shoulders a rub etc. Our non-intimate physical contact consists of a kiss in the morning when we wake up, a kiss when we get home from work, and a kiss before bed. That is how he shows his love. I’m a relatively affectionate person; at one stage he even referred to me as his “cling-on”! Late last week he came up to me in the kitchen and gave me a hug; a big bear hug and I actually can’t even tell you what I was doing or thinking, because I just stopped! That action simply took my breath away. I remember turning around to face him so that I could return his hug, and it was just wonderful. I then mentioned to him that we need to hug more, and he actually agreed!

I don’t know if it’s how he was brought up or wasn’t brought up, but his lack of loving emotions is something that has concerned me over the years. Let me rephrase; his lack of SHOWING his loving emotions. He very easily expresses his anger and frustration as I think we all do, but love, that’s a bit of a toughie for him. But by doing what he did yesterday; I kinda fell in love with him all over again. I want to throttle him on most days, at the best of times but he is a good man. We were chatting on the weekend, and I asked him that if he looked back to his life 15 years ago, if he thought that he would be here; (happily) married, a beautiful daughter, another 2 babies on the way, his own home (even though rented), his own car, and he simply replied, no. L has been through a lot in his life, especially in his teenage years, and is commonly referred to as the black sheep in his family. We each had such different upbringings; he rebelled, I didn’t. I respected curfews, he didn’t. He dropped out of school; I worked my ass off and got some damn respectable final marks. He tried ending his life. I had a pampered upbringing; he didn’t. Let me rephrase; pampered not in the sense that I had a silver spoon in my mouth, but I never really had to fend for myself. L has been on his own since 15, perhaps younger. But that’s the path that he chose. A section of that path was in a sense forced upon him, but he is ultimately responsible for the decision that he made in his younger years.

We have a far from perfect relationship, but the thought that I get to go home to him every afternoon, reassures me, calms me. Some days it does the complete opposite, like when I have to think of fluffy white unicorns farting glitter to prevent myself from throwing something at him, but the good, as scarce as it sometimes can be, holds so much more than the bad.

To quote the hilariously alcoholic gran in Spanglish

“There are worse things in life than realising that you love your husband.”

G

Yeah, I love him ;)

Yeah, I love him 😉

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somewhere, life happened

It’s been a slightly crazy week and a bit. My emotions have been all over the show, my stress levels have reached some pretty impressive highs, and I even ended up in my gynae’s rooms on Thursday afternoon due to a major mild panic as I hadn’t felt the bottom baby move in almost 2 days. Oh, I had also PHONED my gynae at his HOUSE on Wednesday night due to all of the pains and weirdness that I was feeling, and due to the fact that I had convinced myself that something was wrong. Anyway, he gave me the all clear; both babies are strong and healthy with good solid heartbeats, and he explained to me that my body will and is reacting differently this time around, as there are 2 little people in me, not just 1. He also gave me strict instructions to take it easy, and rest as much as possible, and booked me off work for Friday. Well, after the husband dropped me off at home, he was pottering around, checking his emails etc and I made myself comfy on the couch. I woke up about 3 hours later, feeling a lot better and I realised just how stressed I have been, and how it has affected me and this pregnancy negatively.

The husband standing in awe, looking at his new car :)

The husband standing in awe, looking at his new car 🙂

On a happier note, something big happened last week… If you remember I was quite down in the dumps about the car finance that we thought we had, but in actual fact didn’t have. Well, the universe decided to deal us a fair hand, and last Monday I received the call from the car dealership that would change our lives; the husband was approved for car finance! 100% approved and validated, no threat of it being cancelled, fully approved! But with the good news came the ‘other’ news; we needed quite a hefty deposit, which we didn’t have. Right up until Friday morning we didn’t have the deposit, and the reason this was a problem, is that the car finance deal expired at the close of business on Friday afternoon, being month end! Anyway, the husband made a plan, and off we went to the car dealership, and just before 15h00 on Friday afternoon, I drove out with our ‘new’ second hand car! (He couldn’t drive it out because I’m not insured on his company car – haha!) The stress of not knowing if we would be able to secure a deposit I feel also contributed to what happened on Thursday to me, but just the wave of relief and happiness that washed over me when I drove out of that dealership, just reassured me that this nightmare is over. It was exactly 3 months (to the day) since my accident and when we took delivery of our new car. 3 months having to rely on others, being dependant on others, and not knowing if we would ever have our own car again. I am so very grateful to everyone who helped me out, from family to friends, but I really do hope that nothing like what happened EVER happens again!

My little family

My little family

In other news, the princess turned 5 2 Sunday’s ago… 5 people! She had a Tangled party, and even dressed as Rapunzel. Even though at that point, the husband and I still didn’t have any positive news regarding the car finance, and had no idea what we were actually going to do, we refused to let any of that negatively and uncertainly interfere with her special day. While I won’t spam you with a zillion pics of her party (I really do think that there were close on a zillion) I will post just 1 photo, as it just clearly sums up my little family.

G

note to self

When going up against a wall, the wall will always win.

And it most certainly did last week Thursday, the 31st of July 2014.  In a split second, our lives had changed.  No, no one died, and no one was injured.  but we’re screwed for all intents and purposes.

I had a car accident last week Thursday, and the insurance company wrote off Lizzy, our beautiful Mercedes Benz.  Lizzy, who we had only had for 8 months, Lizzy who actually belonged to the bank, Lizzy who saved my daughter and I from serious injury or harm.

Beautiful Lizzy, not so beautiful anymore :(

Beautiful Lizzy, not so beautiful anymore 😦

Written off, too costly to repair.  Sitting in a storage yard gathering dust.

In writing off the Merc, we also lost our deposit that we put down in December when we bought her, so even if my husband were approved for vehicle finance again, we have no deposit to put down.  Our branch manager at the dealership where we bought Lizzy from is an angel from above;  he is doing everything within his power to get us finance, but the banks are being difficult.  They say that even though my husband’s payment history is impeccable with regards to vehicle finance, his external account management isn’t great.  He isn’t behind on any of his accounts, he just pays late sometimes, which negatively affects his credit scores.  The insane thing is that he hasn’t changed how he manages his finances in the last 8 months, so why are they giving him such a headache about it now?  The branch manager at the dealership has asked the same questions;  why are the banks calling it ‘reckless lending’ if they approve my husband now, but they happily approved him 8 months ago?  What the dealership is trying to do, is not put through a ‘new’ finance request, but rather a ‘replacement’ finance request.

I also very stupidly did not take out car hire on my insurance policy, effectively leaving us carless until we actually figure out what the hell we’re going to do.  My husband is angry and hurt;  he works his backside off day and night, and in a split second all that hard work has practically been for nothing.

And I can’t fix it.

I can’t get any form of finance as I’m under debt review.  I am effectively useless.  I am just sitting, watching him stress and worry and cry and shout and yell and scream and be quiet.  I am of course sorting everything out on the insurance side of things, police reports, bank settlements etc but that too is tiring and taxing.  Once the insurance company settles with the finance house, and takes off the excess, we MIGHT have like R5k left over, if we’re lucky.  What kind of deposit is R5k?

The wall won that round

The wall won that round

I am however, beyond grateful that my daughter and I are ok.  We were both buckled up;  she was in her booster seat.  She did bump her head on the door, but didn’t lose consciousness.  I suffered whiplash and safety belt burns on my neck, but all minor issues in the bigger scheme of things.  Lizzy saved us from what could have been an awful, awful accident, injury wise.  My husband’s reasoning behind selling our Corolla last year and buying a bigger, safer car was justified by how Lizzy reacted last week Thursday.  But the ironic thing, is that I may as well have given the man that bought our Corolla the car.  The R48k that we got for the Corolla is gone.  R16k stolen by the disgusting second hand car dealership that sold us the lemon of the car last year after we sold the Corolla, and the balance now, after writing off Lizzy.  I’m trying to see the silver lining;  I’m trying to stay positive.  But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t losing that battle.  After everything that we’ve been through with regards to second hand cars since November 2013, surely enough is enough already?

I don’t know what we’re going to do.  I don’t have any rabbits up my sleeve this time around, no tricks.  Just nothing.  A vast emptiness of nothing.

Yes, a car is a material possession, and is replaceable, whereas a person isn’t.  But in what happened last week Thursday, my walls have crumbled in around me, and I don’t see a way out;  I don’t see the glimmer of light guiding me to the answer.  I am dealing with this alone and I can’t show my weaknesses;  I can’t show my tears.

I just don’t know what to do.

G