so where to now?

I’m not going to lie; it’s been a rough few months. There have been job losses, deaths, financial stress and and and. It feels like the husband and I have been stuck in this never-ending loop that started back in 2015, exploded in 2016 and has just continued spiraling downwards since then.

I lost my job back in October 2017, and I’m still out of work, in a sense. I’m doing bits and bobs, and there is something in the pipeline that may or may not become really successful. But until then, the uncertainty, the inability to provide, is just numbing. I’m also au-pairing for a wonderful single mom and her 10 year old daughter, but it’s early mornings and late nights, and it’s interfering with my ability to see my own children. I’ve looked at working outside of KZN, and if a job opportunity is offered to me and it’s worthwhile, I will take it. Families all over the world deal with parents who have to commute long distances, or work away from home, and if I have to commute back home once or twice a month, or even once every 2 months then so be it. My family is in crisis, and unfortunately it’s going to take some very tough decisions to get us out of it.

The husband and I also haven’t been in a good space for about 3-4 months now, well far longer than that but more seriously in the last few months. I know that the majority of our issues are related to our disastrous financial situation, but it just gets to the point where you honestly feel and believe that you cannot do it anymore. Moving out has been discussed, but neither of us can actually afford to do so. And so we became friends again, actually taking the time to be decent and civil and patient with each other. Oh we’ve still had our fights, most recently as last Saturday. The difference is that I try my hardest not to react as negatively as I have done in the past, I try not to explode and rant and scream and shout which results in the both of us yelling at each other, but neither of us actually listening to what the other is trying to say. Well, yell. It’s not easy, and we still have a long road ahead of us. I don’t know where that road is taking us; I don’t know if there will be a fork, split, decision ahead. That happened a few months back, but due to circumstance, there was no follow-through. It’s utterly frustrating finally making a decision, but not being able to put it into action.

I’m on the job-hunt daily, applying for at least 10 positions a day. I’ve had minimal feedback from recruiters and HR departments, and my heart is still clinging onto the hope that I’ll one day be back at my former company that I left at the end of 2016. I do believe that we are all on our respective journeys and that they do all have a purpose and a reason. We just tend to lose sight of our end goals, and that in turn just throws our world upside-down. I just need to remember to hold onto my end goal, and that is to simply be able to provide for my family.

I had knee surgery 2 week’s ago, for an old sporting injury that I got at least 16 years ago. I was supposed to have the op 4 years ago, but my medical aid plan at the time didn’t cover the procedure. I upgraded my plan this year, and decided to go for it, as the pain was becoming unbearable, and something as silly as a 10km run left me in agony for days afterwards. Whilst in hospital, I had an MRI on my lower back to try and diagnose the cause of my almost constant pain, and for once, something was actually discovered. I have a Pars Defect in my L4-L5 vertebrae, which has resulted in arthrosis of my spinal facets. Not a great diagnosis, but not life threatening and at least I know now the cause of my pain. Surgery is a last resort, and for the time being can be controlled with anti-inflammatories. I’ve been trying to slowly wean myself off of my pain and anti-inflammatory meds that I’ve been on from my surgery, and let’s just say that yesterday didn’t go very well. By 2pm I could barely put weight on my left leg due to the pain in my lower back, and I’m already limping from the surgery on my right knee. So I was a comedic sight for a while!

But, with everything going on, I know that I am a blessed woman, and I am so grateful for my blessings. I have an amazingly supportive family, wonderful friends, 3 healthy children and a husband, who although makes me want to throttle him most days, does everything that he can to provide for us.

I am confident that things will turn around for us, not because something amazing will land in our laps, but because we’re damn hard workers and we’re going to make it happen.



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