I haven’t had a lot to say lately. The words have been trapped in my head. Words that have been cruel and nasty and well, words. That saying of “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me” could not be further from my reality right now.
I am, for all intents and purposes, unemployed. And I’m scared. I’m terrified. I don’t know what to do. I have been searching daily for work, I have sent in countless applications for employment, but still the silence engulfs me. Promises of employment are still to manifest, all the while the end of the month looms closer with each passing day, and the weight becomes heavier and heavier as I know that I cannot meet my financial obligations. I am”working” in real estate, but that has no guaranteed income, and the stress and worry is hurting me.
I ended up at the doctor on Friday afternoon. I don’t go to the doctor. Unless I’m an inch from death, or there’s blood and bones showing, you won’t find me at a doctor. But on Friday I went, and you know what he told me? The pain in my chest, the hectic doof-doof that I’m feeling and the extra beats that my heart is making, is all anxiety related. And that was without me telling him about my job situation. I WANTED him to tell me that I needed hospital and an operation and that there was something critically wrong with my heart. Because that’s ok. That happens. People have bad hearts that need medical intervention. That people can see. But no. My heart is freaking out due to anxiety. Here, have a pill. If ever a hole could have just magically opened up and swallowed me whole, the perfect time would have been as my doctor prescribed some drugs with anti-anxiety crap included.
I spent almost the entire day in bed today. I got up just before 7am to watch the twins whilst Lee and Morgan-Lee went and played golf, and when they got back after 9am sometime, I went back to bed. I got up sometime after 3pm, not because I wanted to, but I had to. I don’t know why. Now, just before 8pm I’m back in bed. With absolutely no desire at all to face tomorrow.
How the fuck did it all go so wrong? How have I fucked up so colosally. Fuck fuck fuck.
PS: sorry for the swearing Aunty Cathy.