Depression is a strange thing. One day, one moment, you’re feeling calm and at peace, so sure of life, so sure of your future and the promise it may bring. The very next moment, the very next second, your world seems to cave in on you, and you can’t breathe, you can’t see tomorrow, and you simply don’t know what to do. You are paralyzed by fear.
I’m often told that I’m a strong person. I’m a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I have a lot of people counting on me, relying on me. I simply don’t have a choice to be anything but strong. But what depression does, is come along and isolate you, and make you feel so alone, so scared, so silent, that you don’t want to be strong anymore, because you can’t see the strength around you. You don’t see who is in turn being strong for you.
I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed lately; finances, my kids, the husband, work, life. I think I’ve been managing it, but I can feel this gnawing at my insides, the self-doubt lingering, the fear limiting my happiness. It’s awful. There is just so much going on all at once, and my brain is just really battling to organise it all, to put each item into its respective slot. And it’s making me sick. And I don’t like it.
My heart is physically aching right now, and I can’t tell you why. But I don’t know if it’s because of what is going on in my life, or if there is an underlying issue. All I know is that for the past week or so, I have not been feeling myself (get your mind out of the gutter – sorry, couldn’t resist!). And not my normal stress and anxiety, but simply unwell. Tight chest, fuzzy head, and just this feeling of sickness. The days seem to be running away from me, and I’m losing track. How did my life get to this point?! Have I finally reached my breaking point, am I now burning out? Have I pushed myself too far to provide for my family, to be the happy-go-lucky woman that so many know me to be?
I don’t know. I just don’t know.
I just know that I’m tired, and that I need to rest, and soon.
I wish I could see who was being strong for me, and believe it. With all my heart, I do.