i felt it

Today, I smiled. Well, about 5 minutes ago I smiled. Not one of those cheesy, Joker-type smiles, but a soft, gentle smile that I felt reach down to the tips of my toes, and then up to warm my heart.

Nothing really significant has changed in our lives, my life. We’re still struggling financially on a daily basis; as soon as we take a step forward life pushes us back even further than we were. But today I stopped. I somehow got my brain to stop firing at 14 million and 16 thousand synapses per millisecond, and I just took a breath. I’ve been struggling with my spirituality lately, not sure how to talk to my God, not sure how to ask for help, how to be thankful for what I’ve got. But today, I just spoke to Him.

I spoke from my heart, and I felt my heart lighten and this warmth spread through it. I struggle a lot with mental situations that I create myself, worry and stress that do nothing except hurt me, but that I can’t stop doing. I’m still worried. I’m still stressed. But I know that I am part of a greater plan, and that things happening in our lives at present, are doing so for a reason.

I am determined to give life everything that I’ve got. I’m determined to be everything that I can be. I have no idea how we’re going to survive financially this month, this year. I don’t know where the school fees are coming from, or where my next tank of petrol is coming from. But I know that it will work out. Because God helps those who help themselves, and I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself.  Not that I’m one to sit on my backside and expect handouts and life to sort itself out, but I need to make more of a concerted effort. And I’m going to try my damnedest to. I know that I’m a hard-worker, but I just need to push that much harder.

But today I felt the calm, and that’s all I needed.


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