so what next?

2016 for most that I know, has been one helluva year. It has been full of trials and turmoil and pain and anger and loss. It has also had its positive moments, but the general consensus from most is that 2016 needs to just be wiped from memory. It would be easier trying to live life with an entire blank year for a memory, than rehashing all that 2016 has brought.

2016 has been very trying for my family and I. From job uncertainty, to no jobs, to heath scares and issues, to hospital visits at 3am and facing eviction, I can’t pinpoint one exact moment in this year that I would like to wipe from my memory.

But.

Through all of the misery and heartache and anxiety and depression and panic and chaos that we’ve faced in the past almost 12 months, looking back on it all now, I am weirdly grateful for it all. I have discovered a strength in myself that I didn’t know existed, and I have also discovered that it’s ok to be weak, that it’s ok to ask for help, that it’s ok to fail. Because from our failures we learn how to do it right the next time around; quite simply, we learn.

This year has seen me contemplate taking my own life a few times, twice quite seriously. It has seen me in and out of psychologist’s and psychiatrist’s offices, and has seen me placed on several different types of anti-depressants and mood stabilisers and sleeping pills and and and. But that’s ok. I now don’t feel like there’s something wrong with me when I do ask for help. I willingly went and saw my psychiatrist 3 weeks ago after I could feel myself losing control again, and slipping into the darkness. That was huge for me. I asked for help. And I didn’t hate myself for doing so.

For those who know me, they know that I am a routine person. I kinda do the same thing every day, every night, every weekend. I like the “normality” that that brings. I battle with change, and I battle with being the “unknown factor”.

I resigned from my job of almost 4 years on the 18th of November, finishing up at the end of this month. This was not a decision taken lightly, nor was it a decision made because I hate my current job. I love my job. I love my company, I love my colleagues and I adore my boss. This was purely a financial decision, coupled with the fact that this new job is in an industry that I both love and am qualified in. What also aided my decision, was that I have applied for, and been rejected for 8 various positions at our Head Office, since September last year. There is only so much rejection a person can take, before being forced to take a step back and ask “what is going on here?” I personally don’t think that I’m doing anything wrong, but that it’s more along the lines of needing to gain more corporate experience, needing to grow and mature more. But this is a huge thing for me; this is a position of greater responsibility, and I’ll be the new person, all over again. I have to make work-friends, learn my boundaries and limits in this new workplace, and rediscover who I am, all over again.

Everyone at work keeps asking me if I’m counting down the days to my new job, and I honestly cannot answer that with a truly happy heart. Yes, I am so excited to be going back into the packaging industry, and I’m going to give this new position everything that I have. But I feel like I’m leaving a part of my heart behind, like I’m leaving behind family. I have grown and matured over the past 4 years into someone that I don’t even recognise, in such a positive manner. I stick up for myself more, I defend others more; I’m not afraid to make my voice heard. This is all due to the people that I have been surrounded by in the last few years. And in just 3 short weeks, that all changes.

So what next?

I honestly don’t know. There is so much going on in my head and in my life right now, that I’m just exhausted. Both mentally and physically. From working 3 jobs, to trying to keep our roof over our heads, to crunching numbers with my amazing family to KEEP our roof over our heads, to realising that my life is changing, I’m tired. Really, really tired.

So, yeah. 2016 can end right now.

But I am also really glad that it happened.

G

Cheers to 2016 x
Cheers to 2016 x
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