on not sleeping

I have an issue with sleep. Or rather, sleep has an issue with me. I go to bed. I snuggle into the covers, I do actually fall asleep. But then, just a few short hours later I wake up, and lie in my bed, absolutely desperate to sleep, but simply unable to.

At my last shrink appointment, I asked for the sleeping tablets that she wanted to put me on back in April but that I declined, as the twins were still waking up during the night, and as the husband sleeps like the dead, I couldn’t afford to be out of it with them. The twins have thankfully started sleeping through in the past 6 weeks or so, so you would think that I would be able to get some sleep too. Nope. Even if I go to bed at 8pm, I still get less than 3 hours of sleep a night. So 2 weeks ago, I started with the sleeping tablets. They’ve helped in that I pass out pretty quickly, but I do still wake up once or twice in the night, and then doze off until 5am when it’s time to get up. But they don’t make me feel drowsy throughout the day, and I don’t feel that they take too long to wear off. Once I’m awake in the morning, it’s all good. I’m still tired, but it’s my normal tired.

This last week has been, well, weird. From me still being sick (over a month now) which included Bronchitis, a middle ear infection (left ear) and a perforated ear drum (right ear) to last minute party planning (this is a sore spot – not yet ready to talk about it) I have had some really late nights. My shrink told me that if I didn’t feel the need to take a sleeping tablet that I mustn’t; it’s simply there to aid me. So on Friday night, it was about 10pm or so and I was exhausted. Right, so no sleeping pill. Geez like. Worst mistake ever. I was up at sparrow’s fart for the flea market on Saturday morning, all on about 3 hours sleep. I felt awful. After the flea market, the afternoon whizzed by and I was back at my mom’s house at about 6pm getting ready for the princess’ birthday party yesterday. As it was a surprise party, I had none of the decorations or snacks or ANYTHING at our house; it was all at my mom’s. Because it was a “budget” party this year, I didn’t buy any branded cups or plates, table cloths etc; everything was sourced off of the internet, and done by hand. The polystyrene white cups had cut out Ariel pictures stuck on them, as did the white paper plates. My sister made ‘fishy’ cup cakes, my mom made the sandwiches for the adults, my father-in-law sponsored the muffins and cool drink etc. It was a huge family effort (as it always is) but even more so this year. I left my mom’s at 11:45pm on Saturday night, and as I was absolutely buggered from Friday night and the entire Saturday (plus the fact that it would have been pointless taking a sleeping pill so late in the evening), I got home and crashed into bed. Again, awful, terrible idea. I woke up on Sunday morning feeling like a total zombie. I’d had maybe 7 hours sleep in almost 3 days, and it really was getting to me.

The party was a success; Morgan-Lee was totally surprised and she and her friends had a wonderful morning. The rest of Sunday went by in a blur, as I took 2 of her friends home with us after the party, and only took them back home at almost 5pm. So I had 2 cranky babies (they hadn’t slept the whole day) and 3 sugar high kids, and all I wanted to do was sleep. After our 3 were all tucked in, I decided that right, now it was my turn! I looked at my sleeping tablets, and knew that 1 just wasn’t going to cut it. So I took more than 1. I took more than 2.

I don’t really remember yesterday. And the worst bit? I feel even more exhausted. I spent literally the entire day in bed yesterday, apart from doing the school run in the morning and at lunch time (which I shouldn’t have done), but I feel beyond exhausted. My head is fuzzy, my tummy hurts and my head is throbbing. I just wanted to sleep. But instead, I did something really stupid. Something that I honestly didn’t mean to do. I read the precautions on the pill box insert; I should have been fine. But I wasn’t. And the worst bit? The husband thinks it was on purpose. I just wanted to sleep. I just want to sleep.

I’m back at work today, trying to catch up but it’s difficult as I’m still so fuzzy. And I’m down. So down. I know that with just 1 good night’s sleep I’ll feel so much better, but I just can’t seem to get to that point.

2016, you really can just end now. And I know that I’m not the only one that thinks that.


3 Replies to “on not sleeping”

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