in limbo, i think

Due to our living arrangements when Morgan-Lee was born, she only got her own room just before her 2nd birthday, as that’s when the husband and I got our own place. We’re still in our home that we moved into in 2011, but space has been an issue, especially with 2 more babies.

Our home is a 1.5 story; basically the 2nd floor is only half of the 1st floor, if that makes sense. So the husband has always used the upstairs as his office, and we’ve had the 2 bedrooms downstairs. Then with the impending arrival of the twins, we decided to all move upstairs, as it was big enough for all of us. For the first 8 month of the twins’ lives, the husband slept downstairs on the spare bed, whilst I was upstairs with all 3 kids. Yay. Awesome. So much fun. We eventually moved our main bedroom back downstairs, put Morgan-Lee back into her old room, and the twins bunked with us in our room. The issue with that is that not only do I wake up to every single tiny noise or movement that they make, but they were also so restless, especially when I came through to bed. I swear they could sense me or smell me or something, because when it was my time to sleep, it was wake up and niggle time for them.

So last week Friday, the husband and our nanny rearranged our rooms. Morgan-Lee got moved into our room, the twins into her room, and we moved upstairs. Holy cow guys, I can’t even explain it to you. Not only have the twins started sleeping through, but I actually got a solid night’s sleep on Saturday night. I think that was mostly because I was so buggered from working 3 jobs in 24 hours but still; I felt awesome on Monday. The problem is this though; I am still waking up, several times during the night. It’s like my body has become so used to waking up 1-5 times a night, that now it does it automatically! The twins went down at about 19h00 last night, and woke just before 06h00 this morning, with 1 or 2 niggles throughout the night, that I didn’t go rushing to sort out. But me? I went to bed just before 21h00 and fell asleep. I then lay awake just before midnight, fell asleep again at who knows what time, got up at 03h00, lay down again, got up at 04h45 and put the geyser on (what else was I going to do) and then lay in bed until 05h30 when my alarm went off. Like seriously?!

Then, in tucking Morgan-Lee into bed last night, she asked me to lie with her, which I did. I then rearranged the shade on her lamp, as the light was in my eyes, and she said to me “It’s ok to turn it off mommy. I sleep with it off most nights now anyway.” I’m sorry what? I’m 30 years old and I still have a night light of sorts. Where did my baby girl go? So I turned the light off and held her a little tighter than normal, and she fell asleep in my arms. I got up, tucked her in, checked on the twins (who were both snoring) and went upstairs to bed.

My babies are growing up. All 3 of them. In the last 2 months or so, Morgan-Lee has just lost some of her childish innocence; she’s becoming a young lady. At 6 (almost 7) years old! Her mannerisms, her statements, her jokes are all becoming so grown up, and I’m so torn. On the one hand I’m so proud of her, her work ethic at school, how she interacts with her brother and sister, and how she just has this immature maturity about her. But on the other hand my baby girl is vanishing before my eyes. Every day I see her just that much more grown up. She shies away from getting undressed in front of us now, she wants to wash herself in the bath, all perfectly normal things as she grows up, but things that I did when she was so tiny and fragile, she doesn’t need me for anymore. Alex and Maddie now lie themselves down at bedtime when they see their bottles; they don’t need me to do it for them. They sit down when they see their breakfast, lunch and supper bowls. I see them quietly playing, thinking, inspecting, analysing. My babies are growing up!

I can’t stop them from growing up, I know that. And I honestly would never want to. I think what I’m most scared of is simply not being needed anymore. I want to raise independent children, who are unafraid to experience new things, to tackle their challenges in life head-on, to grasp life by the horns, and to give it horns! But when they no longer need me? What then is my purpose?

Wait.

I guess I would have fulfilled my purpose.

They grew up. They’re independent. They’re ok.

I did good.

G

PS: I’m seeing my shrink again in 2 week’s time. I’ll be asking for the sleeping pills that she wanted to give me 5 month’s ago! I need sleep!!!

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