I don’t remember when it was that I last slept through the night. A sleep where I wasn’t woken up six times in the space of 8 hours, or even once. I haven’t had that kind of sleep since early 2014, I think. Not only am I a light sleeper, with the twins totally out of sync, when one falls back asleep, generally the other wakes up.
Yesterday, after almost a week of ignoring it (well, trying to ignore it) my exhaustion got to me. And yes, it was exhaustion. I wasn’t just tired, I was exhausted. My exhaustion was so bad on Tuesday, that I had told my husband I was leaving him. Yup. That’s how screwy my head was. I was severely down, and felt lost and empty and dead. Then Wednesday I had a family emergency which sent my adrenaline pumping, and got me focused on what really matters. But after all of that excitement and stress and worry, I fell flat. Like I had to fight myself to get out of bed yesterday. I had to fight myself to stay at work. It was really bad. After work I dropped our nanny at home, and then went through to the shops with my mom. Towards the end of our shop, I told her that I thought I was going to pass out. I was sweating, my vision was blurry, and I was extremely dizzy. It took every ounce of strength that I had to not just pass out right then and there in the sauce aisle! We finished up, and took a slow drive back home. I was honestly a bit scared; I knew that it was my body’s way of telling me HEY! There’s nothing left to give – help!
The husband took 1 look at me when I walked in, and promptly sent me off to bed. This was just before 7pm. I woke up at 4:30am this morning. The babies definitely did niggle during the night, as when I went to bed their bottles were on my side table, but when I woke at 4:30am (because they woke up), their bottles were in their cots with them. I was THAT tired that the husband who sleeps like the dead, saw to the babies when they niggled at whatever time that they did. I wake up if a branch touches the window. Last night, I didn’t budge even when my babies did. THAT’S how exhausted I was.
Am I still tired? Yes. But, my head is not so foggy, I’m interacting more with my colleagues, I’m SMILING, I feel a lot like my normal, silly self. Exhaustion is a nasty, awful thing, and it’s also a very real thing. The fact that I’m working 3 jobs probably doesn’t help matters, and that I also do go to bed far too late most nights, but you know what? Last night I slept.
And it was bliss.