To my darling Morgan-Lee
I have failed you as a mother. Now just hang on a minute, because no amount of “no you haven’t” being indignantly shouted at me will make me change my statement. But let me explain to you why I am at peace with this decision, and how admitting this will help shape me into a better mother for you and your siblings.
You my poppet, can be a bit of a handful. All too often I send you to your room to play, or send you outside to jump on your trampoline, or tell you that I’m just too tired when you ask me to join you. I tell you to hurry up in the bath, even though I can hear you regaling fantastic stories in the water, all whilst your fingers and toes go all pruny, and your lips are blue from the cold. I get frustrated when you’re lost in thought, or are distracted by something that I just don’t see, or choose not to see. I all too quickly want you in bed during the week, so that I can get to relax for a bit, but in doing so, I’m missing out on your childhood. Your innocence. Your want to spend time with me.
You LOVE bedtime stories; most children do. At least 4-5 times a week you ask for a story, and most of the time I say no; that I’m too tired. I’m so sorry my love. There is no excuse for me saying no. Yes I’m tired but that’s not your fault, and it certainly shouldn’t be your problem. You’ve also started asking for a lullaby every now-and-then, something I think that was brought on by the Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore movie “Blended”, and I’ve happily obliged. Admittedly enough I’ve had to Google the words every single time, but watching you wistfully smile up and me as I sing you to sleep, fills my heart so deeply and so beautifully I almost want to cry.
You just want to be involved in EVERYTHING! Sometimes this isn’t always possible, like cooking supper, or doing the shopping, but you’re so eager to help and be involved, and I’m so sorry that I haven’t included you more. I tell you far too often that “you’re a big girl now” but in actual fact you aren’t a big girl; you’re 6.5 years old, and you’re still my baby. You’ll always be my baby.
I’m so sorry that the past 18 or so months have been so tough on you, but my word how you’ve come out fighting. I know that I don’t pay nearly enough attention to you as I used to or as I should, and I can only use your brother and sister so many times as an excuse. I can only use my tiredness so many times as an excuse. Because in 10 years time, when you’re entering your young adulthood and probably want nothing to do with me, I’m going to yearn for these days, these days when I could do nothing wrong, when I was your hero, when all you wanted to do was cuddle and hug and kiss and love.
I know that I’m going to miss your butterfly kisses, your wet raspberry’s into my neck (which I detest), your tickle attempts, and your early morning cuddles. I know that I’m going to miss you coming to me to tie your laces, you asking me to zip up your jacket, and to put your hair up in a ponytail. I know that I’m going to miss washing your hair, scrubbing your nails, and your sweet innocence.
I’m so sorry that I have in a way, forced you to become more independent than you should be, and I promise you right here and now that your mommy is going to be making some changes, and has already started making those changes.
- If I am able to read you a bedtime story, dang it you’re getting one! No more excuses of I’m tired, or “maybe tomorrow night”. The same for your lullaby.
- You want to snuggle with me on the couch or in my bed or even in your bed until you fall asleep? You got it my angel. Every. Single. Time.
- You want me to wash your hair, even bath you? Done.
- You want me to watch you brush your teeth, and sometimes even brush my teeth whilst you’re brushing yours. Ok.
- You want me to be your make-up model… Yeah ok!
- You want to bake a cake? Well I haven’t burnt the kitchen down (yet) so why not?!
- You want me to walk you to your classroom, give you a hug and kiss in front of all of your friends? You don’t even have to ask.
- You don’t want me to walk me to your classroom because “you’re a big girl”? I won’t let you see the tears in my eyes as I wave you off my love.
- You want to hear how special you are, and how damn much I love you? That my sweet princess, you’ll never EVER have to doubt.
- And my final promise… I will never again say, “maybe tomorrow”, because tomorrow is not just another day. It’s the day that I ‘felt like spending time with you’. I always want to spend time with you, even when you think that I don’t.
I will never again use the twins as an excuse, or my long work day or lack of sleep as an excuse to send you off to your room to play alone, or leave me in peace. You are just an important as your brother and sister, and I am so damn sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren’t.
You are my princess-pie, my poppet, and I love you the mostest.