What a crap month and a bit it’s been. There is no other way to describe it. Well there is, but I’d probably get banned from writing again if I were to describe it how I really want to… Anyway, I’ve made a few mental changes in my life, all for the positive.
I am day 6 of no meds; it was a decision that I made over the weekend, and I am happier because of it. I absolutely hated what they were doing to me; they made me feel numb and distant to my family, friends and colleagues, and it felt like they were cloaking my reality. I felt more down on them than what I normally was, and I didn’t like it. Yes, maybe I didn’t give them a long enough time to work; I was on them for just under a month but I honestly don’t care. I have dealt with my emotional and mental ups and downs just fine over the years without medication, so why start now?
Yes, I had a breakdown last month. Yes, it took me almost 2 weeks to bounce back from it. I have finally admitted to myself that I am not Supermom, I am not Superwoman. I too need help, and I need to push my pride to one side and simply ask for it. Between my family and my psychiatrist, we got this. Yes, I’m still seeing my psychiatrist. My breakdown was catalysed by almost 4 weeks of constant stress pertaining to the husband’s health and job, but that certainly wasn’t the only cause of my breakdown. Past choices, finances, just normal day-to-day living simply started burying me, and I tried digging myself out of it, when all I actually did was dig myself deeper into it.
No, I have no freaking idea how we’re paying our bills this month; we have enough money put aside to pay our nanny, but that’s pretty much it. Rent, cars, electricity, food, clothing accounts, credit cards, I have no clue how any of it is getting paid this month. Today marks 1 month of unemployment for the husband and it’s not like we’ve been sitting back doing nothing about it. He’s registered with about 10 different recruitment agencies, we look every day online for positions, and no word of a lie, I have submitted his CV for close on 200 jobs, maybe more. There are positions out there; he’s just not getting called in for them.
I could give up. I could throw in the towel. I could let my demons consume me. I could let this whole situation control us. But I refuse to. I won’t give up. I won’t throw in the towel. I won’t let me demons consume me, and I certainly won’t be controlled by a situation that is right now, out of our control.
Right now things suck. We’re really in a bad place. But we’ll get through this. And when we do, we’ll be stronger for it. We will overcome this period in our lives, because that’s all it is; a moment in our lives.
The silver lining is there, no matter how dull it looks right now.