can’t keep me (us) down

What a crap month and a bit it’s been. There is no other way to describe it. Well there is, but I’d probably get banned from writing again if I were to describe it how I really want to… Anyway, I’ve made a few mental changes in my life, all for the positive.

I am day 6 of no meds; it was a decision that I made over the weekend, and I am happier because of it. I absolutely hated what they were doing to me; they made me feel numb and distant to my family, friends and colleagues, and it felt like they were cloaking my reality. I felt more down on them than what I normally was, and I didn’t like it. Yes, maybe I didn’t give them a long enough time to work; I was on them for just under a month but I honestly don’t care. I have dealt with my emotional and mental ups and downs just fine over the years without medication, so why start now?

Yes, I had a breakdown last month. Yes, it took me almost 2 weeks to bounce back from it. I have finally admitted to myself that I am not Supermom, I am not Superwoman. I too need help, and I need to push my pride to one side and simply ask for it. Between my family and my psychiatrist, we got this. Yes, I’m still seeing my psychiatrist. My breakdown was catalysed by almost 4 weeks of constant stress pertaining to the husband’s health and job, but that certainly wasn’t the only cause of my breakdown. Past choices, finances, just normal day-to-day living simply started burying me, and I tried digging myself out of it, when all I actually did was dig myself deeper into it.

No, I have no freaking idea how we’re paying our bills this month; we have enough money put aside to pay our nanny, but that’s pretty much it. Rent, cars, electricity, food, clothing accounts, credit cards, I have no clue how any of it is getting paid this month. Today marks 1 month of unemployment for the husband and it’s not like we’ve been sitting back doing nothing about it. He’s registered with about 10 different recruitment agencies, we look every day online for positions, and no word of a lie, I have submitted his CV for close on 200 jobs, maybe more. There are positions out there; he’s just not getting called in for them.

I could give up. I could throw in the towel. I could let my demons consume me. I could let this whole situation control us. But I refuse to. I won’t give up. I won’t throw in the towel. I won’t let me demons consume me, and I certainly won’t be controlled by a situation that is right now, out of our control.

Right now things suck. We’re really in a bad place. But we’ll get through this. And when we do, we’ll be stronger for it. We will overcome this period in our lives, because that’s all it is; a moment in our lives.

The silver lining is there, no matter how dull it looks right now.



2 Replies to “can’t keep me (us) down”

  1. Hey you love that you blogged this I haven’t been on Meds no one seems to wanna let me have any lol but you know there is some thing I wanna tell you YOU ARE NOT ALONE ! I swear there are so many of us in the same boat as you right now. Throw the towel in on supermom and just roll with it my friend this is not the first time wont be the last time and I can guarantee it could be much worse. Drink some wine and just chill. Throw your worries in the fuck it bucket ! My hubby has been working in the same position at the same rate of pay for 15 years gets denied every time he applies for a promotion I’ve had to change jobs almost every year because I had to earn more work longer and harder some times its been for less other times more point is there is no way that in our country today that we stand any chance of a secure future the cost of living at the standard we are accustomed to far exceeds out earning potential so we have just got to lean to live with huge stress and develop skills ways to help us see the light and enjoy the little things. Its GONNA BE OKAY. Don’t ask me how but it will. I know you have the twins and I only have Zacharie but trust me ppl will understand and give you the gap you need When Zacharie was born he was prem at 32 weeks we couldn’t pay Cloes school fees or our rent coz I was off and I then had 4 months of unpaid leave we also got slammed with an additional R 30 0000 for his birth over and above what my medical aid paid. I spoke to every one let them know what was happening and now we are just paying what we can to who we can and we are “just maar carrying on ” Hope it helps to know you are not the only ones ! Chin up butter cup !


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