I don’t want to be an adult anymore. It is not what I ever pictured it to be like. Not that I ever wished my life away; I loved school, I loved being a teenager, and I was actually scared to grow up, because I saw the struggles my parents went through as adults, and who wants all that responsibility, like paying bills, and having a job.
When I matriculated in 2003, so many of my school friends traveled or went to university. I did neither. I was offered a ticket to the UK, and I turned it down. I was accepted to university, but my folks couldn’t afford it. I honestly didn’t even think about a student loan, and so I started working.
And that’s where the trouble all started.
You see, when you start working, you’re able to do certain things that you couldn’t do beforehand, like apply for credit, get a loan, or buy stuff that you honestly don’t need. And at 18 years old, I wasn’t thinking about retirement or planning for my future. I had money and absolutely no responsibilities.
Fast forward 12 years. I have responsibilities and no money. I have huge responsibilities. 3 children to be exact. I don’t earn enough to support us, so we rely 98% on the husband’s income. And it’s not enough. All we want is to provide the best that we can for our children, to leave some sort of legacy for them. But all we’re doing right now, is suffering for our youth, for our bad decisions made many months and years ago.
I’m not excited for the future, because right now I can’t see a future. I’m hanging on for my children, as is the husband.
We’ve I’ve grown up quite a bit in the past few months, because life has forced me to. I’m 29, and I feel old beyond my years. Old, not wise. And definitely not 29.
I’m 30 in just under 4 months time, and it scares me, because surely by the age of 30, one should have their life together? Surely by the age of 30, one should have some sort of life plan in place? Not me. I’m hopefully starting to study towards my B.Com degree next year, which will take 4 years to complete. So whilst my school friends have already graduated many years ago, and have established their career paths, I’m only just beginning. Only once I have my degree in 4 years time (failure is not an option) will I be able to apply for positions in my company that pay better, that offer me more. At an age where so many have settled and have roots in a company, I’ll still be stretching my wings, getting ready to take the leap.
I at least have made the right decision, in wanting to study. Yes, I’ll be one of the oldest at lectures. Yes, I’ll be almost 35 once I have my degree. But I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing this for my children. I’m doing this so that they can see that hard word does, and can pay off. I’m doing this so that they can see that it isn’t ever too late, even at my age to start again. I hope that through my life lessons, that I’ll be able to guide them in the right direction, whatever that direction may be. I hope that my children will learn from my mistakes, and not make them themselves.
But most of all?
I hope that my children aren’t disappointed in me, they way that I’m disappointed in myself.
I could have done better with my life, and I know it.
So, chin up and push on through.
I’ve got 3 little people counting on me, and I refuse to let them down anymore.