growing up

I don’t want to be an adult anymore. It is not what I ever pictured it to be like. Not that I ever wished my life away; I loved school, I loved being a teenager, and I was actually scared to grow up, because I saw the struggles my parents went through as adults, and who wants all that responsibility, like paying bills, and having a job.

When I matriculated in 2003, so many of my school friends traveled or went to university. I did neither. I was offered a ticket to the UK, and I turned it down. I was accepted to university, but my folks couldn’t afford it. I honestly didn’t even think about a student loan, and so I started working.

And that’s where the trouble all started.

You see, when you start working, you’re able to do certain things that you couldn’t do beforehand, like apply for credit, get a loan, or buy stuff that you honestly don’t need. And at 18 years old, I wasn’t thinking about retirement or planning for my future. I had money and absolutely no responsibilities.

Fast forward 12 years. I have responsibilities and no money. I have huge responsibilities. 3 children to be exact. I don’t earn enough to support us, so we rely 98% on the husband’s income. And it’s not enough. All we want is to provide the best that we can for our children, to leave some sort of legacy for them. But all we’re doing right now, is suffering for our youth, for our bad decisions made many months and years ago.

I’m not excited for the future, because right now I can’t see a future. I’m hanging on for my children, as is the husband. We’ve I’ve grown up quite a bit in the past few months, because life has forced me to. I’m 29, and I feel old beyond my years. Old, not wise. And definitely not 29.

I’m 30 in just under 4 months time, and it scares me, because surely by the age of 30, one should have their life together? Surely by the age of 30, one should have some sort of life plan in place? Not me. I’m hopefully starting to study towards my B.Com degree next year, which will take 4 years to complete. So whilst my school friends have already graduated many years ago, and have established their career paths, I’m only just beginning. Only once I have my degree in 4 years time (failure is not an option) will I be able to apply for positions in my company that pay better, that offer me more. At an age where so many have settled and have roots in a company, I’ll still be stretching my wings, getting ready to take the leap.

I at least have made the right decision, in wanting to study. Yes, I’ll be one of the oldest at lectures. Yes, I’ll be almost 35 once I have my degree. But I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing this for my children. I’m doing this so that they can see that hard word does, and can pay off. I’m doing this so that they can see that it isn’t ever too late, even at my age to start again. I hope that through my life lessons, that I’ll be able to guide them in the right direction, whatever that direction may be. I hope that my children will learn from my mistakes, and not make them themselves.

But most of all?

I hope that my children aren’t disappointed in me, they way that I’m disappointed in myself.

I could have done better with my life, and I know it.

So, chin up and push on through.

I’ve got 3 little people counting on me, and I refuse to let them down anymore.

G

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4 thoughts on “growing up

  1. Cherise

    What you are teaching your children is to never give up, that no matter your age, you can still be something, do something to change your life and those are valuable lessons. Can I also just say that one of my closest friends at varsity was much older than me with 2 children, one barely a few weeks old when she started varsity and the other a toddler. She did better than us, with kids because she knew what she wanted, what she was working for. Yes it was hard for her but she always said it was worth it. You will also see that you wont necessarily be the oldest either. Trust me, it will also mean more to you than most of your fellow (younger) students, because you know what you want, you know what it took to get there and what sacrifices it will take along the way, unlike most of your counterparts whose parents are most likely paying for it and they are not sure what they want to do with their lives. I may not have got my degree at 35 with 3 kids (kudos to you) but I had a hell of a lot of other obstacles along the way (working 3 jobs etc). I knew what it cost me and it was never easy but at least I could say I did it. And you will too and that will be the best legacy that you are leaving your children. I didn’t grow up in a rich family and we really struggled but what my parents gave me was better than any money- it is the gifts of believing in yourself, never quitting, working hard, making sacrifices. You are well on your way to leaving your kids the best legacy that no amount of money can buy. Good luck – you can do this!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank-you so much for your words of encouragement; I really do appreciate it. I hope that from all of this, my children do see the lesson in all of it, and do see that it’s never really too late. I hope that they see just how important setting goals is, and then to go out and attain them. For the first time in my life, I do know what I want. Now it’s just the time needed to get there. But I will do it, somehow I will. I’m accustomed to little to no sleep already, so that part should be fine!

      Liked by 1 person

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