the realisation has hit me

I was lying in bed last night, all stuffy nosed and congested head (the winter flu has finally found me) and it dawned on me that I would never again be pregnant, at least not naturally. Apart from the fact that I am now down 1 entire Fallopian tube from my surgery at the end of April, I had my tubes tied in February when the twins were born, so the only Fallopian tube that I have left is in 2 pieces!

Don’t misunderstand me; I do not want anymore children. I’m done, kaput, fine-to. But, the thought that I will never again be able to conceive life, has done a number on my brain. I’m no longer a ‘complete’ woman, for want of describing it better? A part of me wonders if I made the right decision; I remember lying on the operating table, the twins and the husband had left and my OBGYN looked over the covers and asked me in a very serious voice if I was 100% sure that I wanted my tubes tied. It was something that we had already discussed (a few times – the first time being on the 14th of July 2014 when we found out that it was twins in my belly!) and in the haze of the epidural and some freaking fantastic pain medication I said YES! – absolutely! I also recall asking for a tummy tuck, but alas, that didn’t happen.

I just wonder if I should have just continued on the pill, as it had thus far served me well. I fell pregnant with both M-L and the twins after being off the pill for 1-2 months because (and this is the really funny part) I couldn’t afford it every month! Look there’s nothing I can do about it now, and I don’t regret it, but I just feel a little incomplete inside. Like the one really important thing that only a woman can do, I can’t do anymore. I’ve been fine about it since I had it done back in Feb; last night the realisation just slapped me upside the head and I can’t seem to think about anything else but that.

But, I have my 3 blessings, and i couldn’t ask for anything more 🙂

G

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