Today has been one of those leave-me-the-eff-alone days. It started out flipping horribly, and just drained what little positivity I had left during the course of the day. But what this post is about, is the tipping point. The point in time today, that I thought I had well and truly lost my mind. But I didn’t.
I got home, and quite honestly the thought of what lay ahead for me still to do did not excite me. But it had to be done! M for some reason was moaning when I got home, and continued to moan. Her moans continued as I took her and A upstairs for their bath, and intensified something chronic when I lay her in her cot. I’m talking about full on meltdown, with little tears in her eyes, and those horrible gasping sound that children make when they’re so upset and crying. But I couldn’t fill their bath and undress them and wash them and dress them, all whilst holding her. So she had to lie there. When I was bathing her she calmed down, but once I’d dressed her and laid her back down so that I could bath A, she started up again. And this time it was worse. I stood at their bath holding Alex, thinking to myself that I was about to lose it. I’m talking about putting A down, walking out the house and screaming until I no longer had a voice. It took every ounce of my inner strength to not get angry, as she’s just a 4 month old baby; she’s not doing it on purpose and she just wanted to be picked up. But it was just the intensity of her cries (A at this point decided to join in) and the fact that I felt so empty inside from the day’s events that almost pushed me over the edge.
But I didn’t lose my balance. I stayed focussed. I bit my tongue, got the twins calmed down, fed and put to bed. I then plonked myself on the bed, where I pretty much haven’t moved from in the last hour. But it kinda scared me, feeling like that. Feeling like I was losing control, like the world was about to swallow me whole. Even the fact that I don’t think I have enough formula for the twins to last them past breakfast tomorrow morning doesn’t have me in a spin. I’m just numb, empty. Drained.
But. I didn’t fall. Whilst I peaked my head over the edge of the cliff, I didn’t fall over.
Tipping point 0, Gena 1.