The husband and I have a unique relationship. We’ve been together for 11 and a bit years; I’m 28 and he’s 33. He has travelled, I have not. He has had to provide for himself; I have always been under someone else’s roof. His nickname for me is “buzzard” and mine for him is “grumpy.” We have the most awful fights; fights that involve swearing, yelling, tears from both of us, and inevitably me considering leaving. But we always find our way back to one another.
Yesterday was not a good day for me. And it actually had nothing to do with him. It has been bugging me a bit as to why he phoned me so early yesterday morning; he phoned me at about 7:30am when we normally speak only at about 9-10am every morning. When I asked him this morning why he phoned me earlier than normal, he said this:
“I could tell that something wasn’t right with you. I needed to know if you were ok.”
Wow people. Just wow. That is not something he does. L is a complicated person at times, and can so often come across as a bit of an asshole to those that haven’t yet gotten to know him. He detests bullshit, and says it like it is. Tact, he has none. He is hard arsed, and a grumpy ass most days, especially in the mornings, and I do sometimes (read a lot of the time) question his love for me, because he doesn’t really show it. He is not a physical person in the sense of coming up to hug me, or just giving my shoulders a rub etc. Our non-intimate physical contact consists of a kiss in the morning when we wake up, a kiss when we get home from work, and a kiss before bed. That is how he shows his love. I’m a relatively affectionate person; at one stage he even referred to me as his “cling-on”! Late last week he came up to me in the kitchen and gave me a hug; a big bear hug and I actually can’t even tell you what I was doing or thinking, because I just stopped! That action simply took my breath away. I remember turning around to face him so that I could return his hug, and it was just wonderful. I then mentioned to him that we need to hug more, and he actually agreed!
I don’t know if it’s how he was brought up or wasn’t brought up, but his lack of loving emotions is something that has concerned me over the years. Let me rephrase; his lack of SHOWING his loving emotions. He very easily expresses his anger and frustration as I think we all do, but love, that’s a bit of a toughie for him. But by doing what he did yesterday; I kinda fell in love with him all over again. I want to throttle him on most days, at the best of times but he is a good man. We were chatting on the weekend, and I asked him that if he looked back to his life 15 years ago, if he thought that he would be here; (happily) married, a beautiful daughter, another 2 babies on the way, his own home (even though rented), his own car, and he simply replied, no. L has been through a lot in his life, especially in his teenage years, and is commonly referred to as the black sheep in his family. We each had such different upbringings; he rebelled, I didn’t. I respected curfews, he didn’t. He dropped out of school; I worked my ass off and got some damn respectable final marks. He tried ending his life. I had a pampered upbringing; he didn’t. Let me rephrase; pampered not in the sense that I had a silver spoon in my mouth, but I never really had to fend for myself. L has been on his own since 15, perhaps younger. But that’s the path that he chose. A section of that path was in a sense forced upon him, but he is ultimately responsible for the decision that he made in his younger years.
We have a far from perfect relationship, but the thought that I get to go home to him every afternoon, reassures me, calms me. Some days it does the complete opposite, like when I have to think of fluffy white unicorns farting glitter to prevent myself from throwing something at him, but the good, as scarce as it sometimes can be, holds so much more than the bad.
To quote the hilariously alcoholic gran in Spanglish
“There are worse things in life than realising that you love your husband.”