This past week or so, the babies have really started making their presence known. It’s been pretty cool, as well as uncomfortable, as there are 2 of them sharing space kinda designed for 1, and I’ve found myself disciplining them already! The one baby, the girl I think, keeps pressing her backside (or her head, who knows) really hard against the inside of my tummy, which isn’t painful, but is helluva uncomfortable. I’ve found out very quickly that she (it) responds very quickly to me tapping my belly, as she promptly rearranges herself. Aaahhhhh, bliss!
But that’s about as happy as this blog post is going to get.
On Friday the 12th of September, I wrote my husband a letter. It was almost 5 and a half pages long. The reason for the letter, is that we can never just have a conversation, a discussion. It generally starts out that way, but then one or both of us misunderstands the other, takes everything out of context and it becomes a screaming, shouting, swearing match that generally has me in tears, him closed off and ultimately me telling him that I want a divorce. On said Friday, my husband had woken up in one of his normal morning moods, a mood that I’ve come to ignore as he’s (a) not a morning person, and (b) he’s really stressed out about our whole car / finance situation. But then he took it out on M-L, and I defended her, because he was wrong. She and I left the house with him telling me to f*** off. During the course of the morning, he phoned me. I ignored it. He phoned again. I ignored it again. He kept phoning, and I kept ignoring. He eventually sent me a message saying that he needed to talk to me. I didn’t respond. He phoned again. I didn’t even look at my phone. He then sent me another message, saying that he got the message and that he hoped that I had a good day. During this 1.5 hour calling / messaging session, I was writing to him. And not an email. I’m talking a handwritten letter, with mistakes and smudges and emotion. When I was done with the letter, I scanned it to my computer, folded the original and put it in an envelope for him. I then emailed him the scanned copy, and in the email body I told him that I would give him the original that afternoon when I saw him.
The basics of the letter were as follows:
1) My car accident, and how it was really just an accident. I didn’t wake up on Thursday the 31st of July and decide “HEY! I’m gonna write off the car today!” Yes, due to a decision that I made the car was written off, but it was an ACCIDENT.
2) Sex. Or rather, the lack of it. I am very insecure about my body, even though my husband has assured me that he loves me just the way that I am, pregnancy scars and all. August he didn’t touch me. July I think it happened once. I explained in the letter that sex is not just about pleasure for me; it is an intimate way of showing love, passion intimacy. The last time I can actually recall us being intimate, honestly, was in May. That’s when I fell pregnant.
3) The twins. I didn’t ask to be pregnant with twins. I am so scared of what the future holds for us as a family, because I don’t know how we’re going to provide for our 3 children. If he doesn’t think that I’m not worried or stressed, then he really has been living in a dream world. I wrote to him that when we found out that it was twins back in mid-July I already felt him pulling away, and then the accident at the end of July was just the cherry on top. He completely withdrew from anything baby related. I tried talking to him about a cot and prams and car seats, and was told that it wasn’t a priority; a car was. Yes, absolutely, getting a car is our top priority, however these twins are just as important. To not focus on what we need for them NOW will only result in us having to stress about it at the last minute, which is wrong. I wrote that I felt totally alone in this pregnancy; I send him pictures of how my belly is growing and I don’t even get a response. Nothing. And this then ties in with point 2, because he no longer touched me. This point about the twins is something that I’m going to elaborate on a little further on in the post.
4) His anger issues, and the fact that he all too quickly takes his anger and frustration out on M-L. Never physically, but verbally, emotionally. And her beautiful little soul will become irrevocably damaged if he doesn’t sort it out ASAP. I know that I’m no saint, and that I can lose my cool and snap at her, but not to the extent that he does and can. Yes, our lives are pretty shitty right now; he’s angry and depressed about it all and he doesn’t deserve one iota of what has happened over the last 2 and a bit months, but our daughter doesn’t need to suffer for it.
5) I wrote about how he told me to f*** off as I was leaving the house that morning, and then he tries to phone me later that morning as if everything was ok, to tell me that our domestic helper had made a rabbit stew and that it was really delicious. That’s what all of the phone calls were about. I wrote that out of no fault of his, I had alienated all of my friends because of our relationship, to the point that I have maybe 5 friends in my life, most of which are overseas. And the one time we were invited to one of my dearest friend’s wedding back in February, he utterly embarrassed and humiliated me by making us leave early. We have been at this for 11 years now; how much longer were we going to break each other?
6) His anti-socialness. Our invites to HIS friend’s braais (BBQ’s) have waned so significantly over the years, that they don’t even exist anymore. No one is allowed to have a spontaneous decision, except him. The pot calling the kettle black. Only he can have impromptu braais and invite people over, but no one else. And then when we are invited somewhere, he tells me to go and enjoy myself. But WE were invited; I want to go as a couple, because that’s what we are. I think.
My last point in the letter basically said that I wasn’t asking for a divorce, but that we most certainly not together, and that I would be coming home to give him the letter, pack a bag for M-L and I, and go somewhere. I had no idea where, but somewhere.
At 12h20 he was standing in front of my desk. He asked me if we could go out for lunch. I just looked at him, and after a while I asked if he’d read his email. He looked at me, this sombre look on his face and said yes. He asked me again; can we go out for lunch. I cleared leaving the premises with my boss, and off we went. I only get a 30min lunch break, but we sat talking in his company car for almost 45mins, and then walked around the shopping centre. We never actually got lunch, but it was a good talk. A very overdue talk. And one of the things we discussed (well we actually discussed every point in my letter) were the twins. He apologised to me for leaving me alone, making me feel alone, for being so disconnected. It was unintentional, he’s just so stressed. He also said that I mustn’t think that he’s not excited, because he really is. He’s just battling to show it because of everything else that’s going on. But he is excited.
On Tuesday night, he told me to my face that he wasn’t excited. I’ve never felt my heart drop to my feet so quickly. This goes back to point 3 in my letter. The twins and how I feel so alone in this pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong; he’s shown me that he’s excited in a sense by responding to my pictures with the word WOW or smiling when I tell him the movements etc, but that’s about it. He hasn’t once tried to touch my tummy, hasn’t once tried to help me get comfortable in bed, has once told me that he’s excited since the 12th of September. And then on Tuesday night he told me that it isn’t like M-L; he’s not feeling as excited this time around because of the stress of not having a car and our (his) financial situation that is not allowing us to get a car. I told him that I understood, but inside I was screaming with tears. My heart shattered. He isn’t excited.
I don’t know how to deal with this. I have M-L’s party to plan, things to buy, no money to buy any of the things that I need, and no car to go to the places that I need to go to to buy the things that I need to buy with the money that I don’t have. Our next doctor’s appointment is this coming Monday, and a dead snail is more enthusiastic than he is. And the awful thing, is that it’s rubbing off on me. I’m no longer excited to see the twins on Monday. I can’t be bothered to actually go, mostly because it means that M-L will have to miss school because the doctor is in the opposite direction to her school, and L can’t take her in the morning and then make it back in time to get me to the appointment. But also because this whole situation is not what a pregnancy should be. The check up after my car accident, he didn’t even come in with me. He dropped me off and said that he needed to go and see a customer. By the time he had finished I hadn’t yet gone into see the doctor so he ended up coming in with me, but not happily. Not willingly. It’s like he didn’t want to be seen as the dad who didn’t go in, in front of all of the other parents.
I feel him pulling away from me again; I’ve felt it for a while now. I am again alone in this pregnancy. 2 little people being brought into this world, to a father who isn’t excited, and a mother who just wants it to be over and done with.
He’s not excited.
And I feel so alone.