he’s not excited

This past week or so, the babies have really started making their presence known. It’s been pretty cool, as well as uncomfortable, as there are 2 of them sharing space kinda designed for 1, and I’ve found myself disciplining them already! The one baby, the girl I think, keeps pressing her backside (or her head, who knows) really hard against the inside of my tummy, which isn’t painful, but is helluva uncomfortable. I’ve found out very quickly that she (it) responds very quickly to me tapping my belly, as she promptly rearranges herself. Aaahhhhh, bliss!

But that’s about as happy as this blog post is going to get.

On Friday the 12th of September, I wrote my husband a letter. It was almost 5 and a half pages long. The reason for the letter, is that we can never just have a conversation, a discussion. It generally starts out that way, but then one or both of us misunderstands the other, takes everything out of context and it becomes a screaming, shouting, swearing match that generally has me in tears, him closed off and ultimately me telling him that I want a divorce. On said Friday, my husband had woken up in one of his normal morning moods, a mood that I’ve come to ignore as he’s (a) not a morning person, and (b) he’s really stressed out about our whole car / finance situation. But then he took it out on M-L, and I defended her, because he was wrong. She and I left the house with him telling me to f*** off. During the course of the morning, he phoned me. I ignored it. He phoned again. I ignored it again. He kept phoning, and I kept ignoring. He eventually sent me a message saying that he needed to talk to me. I didn’t respond. He phoned again. I didn’t even look at my phone. He then sent me another message, saying that he got the message and that he hoped that I had a good day. During this 1.5 hour calling / messaging session, I was writing to him. And not an email. I’m talking a handwritten letter, with mistakes and smudges and emotion. When I was done with the letter, I scanned it to my computer, folded the original and put it in an envelope for him. I then emailed him the scanned copy, and in the email body I told him that I would give him the original that afternoon when I saw him.

The basics of the letter were as follows:

1) My car accident, and how it was really just an accident. I didn’t wake up on Thursday the 31st of July and decide “HEY! I’m gonna write off the car today!” Yes, due to a decision that I made the car was written off, but it was an ACCIDENT.

2) Sex. Or rather, the lack of it. I am very insecure about my body, even though my husband has assured me that he loves me just the way that I am, pregnancy scars and all. August he didn’t touch me. July I think it happened once. I explained in the letter that sex is not just about pleasure for me; it is an intimate way of showing love, passion intimacy. The last time I can actually recall us being intimate, honestly, was in May. That’s when I fell pregnant.

3) The twins. I didn’t ask to be pregnant with twins. I am so scared of what the future holds for us as a family, because I don’t know how we’re going to provide for our 3 children. If he doesn’t think that I’m not worried or stressed, then he really has been living in a dream world. I wrote to him that when we found out that it was twins back in mid-July I already felt him pulling away, and then the accident at the end of July was just the cherry on top. He completely withdrew from anything baby related. I tried talking to him about a cot and prams and car seats, and was told that it wasn’t a priority; a car was. Yes, absolutely, getting a car is our top priority, however these twins are just as important. To not focus on what we need for them NOW will only result in us having to stress about it at the last minute, which is wrong. I wrote that I felt totally alone in this pregnancy; I send him pictures of how my belly is growing and I don’t even get a response. Nothing. And this then ties in with point 2, because he no longer touched me. This point about the twins is something that I’m going to elaborate on a little further on in the post.

4) His anger issues, and the fact that he all too quickly takes his anger and frustration out on M-L. Never physically, but verbally, emotionally. And her beautiful little soul will become irrevocably damaged if he doesn’t sort it out ASAP. I know that I’m no saint, and that I can lose my cool and snap at her, but not to the extent that he does and can. Yes, our lives are pretty shitty right now; he’s angry and depressed about it all and he doesn’t deserve one iota of what has happened over the last 2 and a bit months, but our daughter doesn’t need to suffer for it.

5) I wrote about how he told me to f*** off as I was leaving the house that morning, and then he tries to phone me later that morning as if everything was ok, to tell me that our domestic helper had made a rabbit stew and that it was really delicious. That’s what all of the phone calls were about. I wrote that out of no fault of his, I had alienated all of my friends because of our relationship, to the point that I have maybe 5 friends in my life, most of which are overseas. And the one time we were invited to one of my dearest friend’s wedding back in February, he utterly embarrassed and humiliated me by making us leave early. We have been at this for 11 years now; how much longer were we going to break each other?

6) His anti-socialness. Our invites to HIS friend’s braais (BBQ’s) have waned so significantly over the years, that they don’t even exist anymore. No one is allowed to have a spontaneous decision, except him. The pot calling the kettle black. Only he can have impromptu braais and invite people over, but no one else. And then when we are invited somewhere, he tells me to go and enjoy myself. But WE were invited; I want to go as a couple, because that’s what we are. I think.

My last point in the letter basically said that I wasn’t asking for a divorce, but that we most certainly not together, and that I would be coming home to give him the letter, pack a bag for M-L and I, and go somewhere. I had no idea where, but somewhere.

At 12h20 he was standing in front of my desk. He asked me if we could go out for lunch. I just looked at him, and after a while I asked if he’d read his email. He looked at me, this sombre look on his face and said yes. He asked me again; can we go out for lunch. I cleared leaving the premises with my boss, and off we went. I only get a 30min lunch break, but we sat talking in his company car for almost 45mins, and then walked around the shopping centre. We never actually got lunch, but it was a good talk. A very overdue talk. And one of the things we discussed (well we actually discussed every point in my letter) were the twins. He apologised to me for leaving me alone, making me feel alone, for being so disconnected. It was unintentional, he’s just so stressed. He also said that I mustn’t think that he’s not excited, because he really is. He’s just battling to show it because of everything else that’s going on. But he is excited.

On Tuesday night, he told me to my face that he wasn’t excited. I’ve never felt my heart drop to my feet so quickly. This goes back to point 3 in my letter. The twins and how I feel so alone in this pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong; he’s shown me that he’s excited in a sense by responding to my pictures with the word WOW or smiling when I tell him the movements etc, but that’s about it. He hasn’t once tried to touch my tummy, hasn’t once tried to help me get comfortable in bed, has once told me that he’s excited since the 12th of September. And then on Tuesday night he told me that it isn’t like M-L; he’s not feeling as excited this time around because of the stress of not having a car and our (his) financial situation that is not allowing us to get a car. I told him that I understood, but inside I was screaming with tears. My heart shattered. He isn’t excited.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I have M-L’s party to plan, things to buy, no money to buy any of the things that I need, and no car to go to the places that I need to go to to buy the things that I need to buy with the money that I don’t have. Our next doctor’s appointment is this coming Monday, and a dead snail is more enthusiastic than he is. And the awful thing, is that it’s rubbing off on me. I’m no longer excited to see the twins on Monday. I can’t be bothered to actually go, mostly because it means that M-L will have to miss school because the doctor is in the opposite direction to her school, and L can’t take her in the morning and then make it back in time to get me to the appointment. But also because this whole situation is not what a pregnancy should be. The check up after my car accident, he didn’t even come in with me. He dropped me off and said that he needed to go and see a customer. By the time he had finished I hadn’t yet gone into see the doctor so he ended up coming in with me, but not happily. Not willingly. It’s like he didn’t want to be seen as the dad who didn’t go in, in front of all of the other parents.

I feel him pulling away from me again; I’ve felt it for a while now. I am again alone in this pregnancy. 2 little people being brought into this world, to a father who isn’t excited, and a mother who just wants it to be over and done with.

He’s not excited.

And I feel so alone.

G

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16 thoughts on “he’s not excited

  1. (Hugs) . Is really all I can say. If I was a little bit closer I would come by and give you a big fat hug…. …. if you wanna chat, I am here… And at least not on another continent. I really get what you are going through.

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    1. Thanks hun. I know that he loves me and our daughter, and deep down the twins, but this whole car and finance situation is just such a huge strain on us right now. I can’t fault him (in a sense) for what’s happening, but he could perhaps be dealing with it a little better?

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      1. Sigh, Men are different to us. My husband also deals with stress in the same way. Somehow you need to find a way to communicate. The letter is a good idea.

        I also wrote my husband a letter yesterday. Since I withdraw into my own shell when he is stressed out.

        I am now thinking of doing so every day, just so we can keep the communication between us open. Communication is key in any relationship.

        So yea, my new idea – A love letter each day written in my own hand?? Still testing if it will improve things.

        Having financial problems causes so much stress on a marriage. Especially on this continent. And there is always still so much pressure on a man to be a good providor. Unfortunatly it is a sad fact that woman often get paid much less than our husbands. I know with us this is deffinatly the case.

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  2. The Blessed Barrenness

    I’m sorry you find yourself in this position, my husband and I were there where you are right now, a few years ago, we were on the brink of a separation, when we decided to go for some marriage counselling, it worked wonders in terms of teaching us how to communicate and understand each other and we also managed to resolve a lot of long term issues.
    Would you and your husband consider counselling?

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    1. It is definitely something we’d both agree to, but with finances the way we are, literally living day to day we can’t afford bit right now. We’ve been together for 11 years, married for 5, and it just seems to be getting tougher and tougher.

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  3. Twindaddy

    I’m so sorry. Hopefully solutions will present themselves soon. In the meantime, try to focus on the positive things and hopefully that will make things a bit easier for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks hun. I keep hoping, which is something I don’t do (hilarious pessimist and all that jazz) and I keep getting put down. Just no after no after no. Yet another no yesterday. It’s been 2 and a bit months of no’s. Starts to get to a person after a while you know.

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  4. scribblegurl

    Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. I wish I had something helpful to say, but I do send you a big cyber (((HUG))) and I will keep you in my thoughts/prayers/energy/whatever you choose to call it. I hope things turn around for you both.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am so, so sorry be reading this and can really feel your heartache. Echoing Serin’s words, if I could I would hug you right now so sending you virtual hugs. I also know first -hand how much stress finances can put on a relationship as well as the stress of car issues. I am sorry that you are going through this and I hope that you will be able to find a way to work through it.

    Keeping you and your family in my prayers and I hope that your car situation will be resolved soon.
    (p.s I typed this response yesterday but electricity, hence internet went out just before I could post it)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Electricty… Can’t live without it, battle to live with it! It just feels that all L and I do is stress and worry and money is the constant every time. I have never wanted to be filthy stinking rich, I just want to be comfortable. So that if something like this happens (writing off a car) it’s not really a problem, because we can go out and buy another one. I don’t even want a brand new car; the car we’ve found is 8 years old, just like the Merc was! We are down to our absolute last resort now, and if this doesn’t work then I honestly don’t know. I can’t rely on lifts to and from work forever; I can’t spend my time going to work and home – I haven’t seen my mom and family since last week Saturday because I can’t get to them. It’s like I’m a prisoner in my own life.

      But, the silver lining is out there. I just wish the clouds would part so I could see it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hear you and I really don’t believe that in the bigger scheme of things you are asking for a lot. I will certainly hold thumbs that things work out with this car that you have found and that your situation is resolved.

        Crossing all fingers and toes and freaking screaming at those clouds to part now!

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Men are different from women. The good ones feel a sense of responsibility toward their families, and a sense of failure when they aren’t providing (or feel they aren’t providing) adequate financial support. Because of that they can withdraw. He may not be able to provide you the emotional support you crave right now. But it took alot of courage for him to let you know he’s not excited about this pregnancy in the same way you.

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