i can’t cook

I can’t cook.  Last night proved that my place is most definitely NOT in the kitchen.  Granted, 2 nights ago I made a pretty darn amazing beef stew, but what did I actually do?  I bought the meat already deboned and cubed, I bought a pre cubed and diced soup mix of sweet potato, butternut, onion and coriander, and a stew mix powder packet for flavour.  I tossed it all into a pot for 2 hours and boom!  Stew!  Not much thought or effort or anything really went into it.

Last night (our end of the month salti-crax is happening now, in the middle of the month) I looked at my empty cupboards, and decided to make pasta.  Great.  Pasta.  Pasta and…  I didn’t have enough cheese to make mac and cheese, so I decided that I’d make a white sauce to go with the pasta, and then I’d sprinkle some cheese on top of each of our pasta once I’d served it.  When the pasta was cooked, I decided to start my white sauce, as it apparently only takes 7 or so minutes.  15 minutes on, there was no coming back from my disaster.  Thank goodness for husbands who know their way around a kitchen, and a wife who knows when to just step away from the stove!

I had even looked up ‘basic white sauce’ in my recipe book, as I didn’t even know HOW to make a white sauce.  Yes, my head is hung in shame.  Moving on.

I weighed out equal portions of butter and flour, and measured out the required amount of milk.  3 ingredients.  Not 30, just 3.  Not even I could stuff this up.  The recipe book said that I must make a roux which is supposed to be like a paste.  Mine looked like mini dough balls.  And YES, I stirred the entire time that I added the flour to the melted butter.  I didn’t however sieve the flour slowly into the butter whilst mixing it.  I just tossed the entire amount of flour into the melted butter and stirred.  And got mini dough balls.  *side note – as I’d never made white sauce or even a roux before, I had no clue as to whether or not what I was looking at was correct, so I continued.*

Now the recipe said to slowly add the milk (which I had boiled brought to simmering point) to the roux.  Well the milk was in my pot, and the roux (at least my attempt at a roux) was in a frying pan.  There was no way that it would all fit into the frying pan.  So I just tossed my mini dough balls roux into the simmering milk.  And stirred.  And stirred.  And whisked.  And stirred.  And whisked.  My milk went a kind of beige colour, but the dough balls were still present.  So I whisked harder.  And longer.  I even took a wooden spoon and smooshed the balls up against the side of the pot to try and break them down.  After 15 minutes I yelled for the husband.  He came downstairs, looked inside the pot, and then looked at me.

“There’s no coming back from this, is there.”  I asked, rhetorically.

He at least had the decency to blush WITH me.  Within 10 minutes, he had the perfect, and I mean PERFECT white sauce simmering on the stove.  I just looked at him with disgusted awe.  He did say that he was also a bit surprised at how well his white sauce came out, but I think that he was just trying to make me feel better.  Perfect medium consistency, not a single tiny lump, and when I added the garlic salt it perfected the perfect sauce.

At least the pasta wasn’t burnt.  You can’t mess up pasta can you?

I overcooked it.



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