I don’t care much for these ‘days’ that always seem to pop up in the calendar; Valentine’s Day, Mothers’ Day, Fathers’ Day and so on and so forth. What I DO care about however, is the fact that my daughter knows that I love her, and that everything I do, I do for her and her happiness.
I had a pretty crappy ‘Mothers’ Day’ yesterday. It started off innocently enough; I got up at 04h30 to put the geyser on, and then went back to bed until 06h00. At 06h00 I got up (again), ran myself a bath and sank into the hot water, even if only for a few minutes. I heard my husband get up, followed by my daughter about 5 minutes later. I heard my hubby telling my daughter to go and wish me a happy mothers’ day which she did, and I was then presented with her beautiful card that she made at school during the week. I loved it; I love every single bit of paper that has a scribble or drawing or painting on it. They’re all masterpieces to me. And yes, I have thrown
a lot a few of them away over the years. But that’s pretty much where the niceness of the morning ended.
I’m working 2 jobs again, and this weekend I made the decision to work both Saturday and Sunday, instead of just the Sunday. First off, I totally forgot about the mothers’ day get-together happening at M-L’s school on Saturday morning which I felt hideous about, but my mom went in my place and for that I was relieved. I did feel quite heart-sore when my mom showed me the video that she took of M-L singing as I wished that I could have seen her sing it live, but I’m still so grateful that I got to see it. I got home on Saturday, was absolutely knackered from work but still tried to spend some time with M-L. Granted, it wasn’t much, but it’s not like this happens every single weekend.
After taking my cards from M-L, I walked through to the lounge to say goodbye to my hubby and M-L, so that I could leave for the restaurant. L then told me that M-L really missed me yesterday, and that I hardly spent any time with her the night before. I was a bit taken back, and said that this was the first weekend in years that I hadn’t spent with her or that I’d worked. He said that it didn’t matter; M-L comes first. Excuse me? Of course M-L comes first! Why do you think I’m working 2 jobs in the first place! Do you think I want to sacrifice the little me-time that I have, to be cleaning up after strangers, taking their orders, dealing with their complaints? No! I want to be at home, spending time with my family. I held my tongue, kissed them both goodbye and left. As I opened the back door to go to the car, I heard M-L telling L “I really miss mommy” to which he replied “Well there’s nothing I can do about that.”
My heart broke.
I felt the air leave my lungs.
I didn’t go back inside; I climbed into the car and left. Whenever L and I have had an argument, or a really bad fight, I always make sure that M-L knows that she is the number 1 priority in both her mommy and daddy’s lives. That her daddy loves her so so much, and that he works so hard for us, and especially her. I have never painted him in a negative light to her, because that’s wrong. He is her father, and he is a good father. I was so shocked and just hurt by what he said. Utterly hurt. Instead of saying that, he could have said something like “I know that you miss mommy, but she’s working hard to make money for us” or something like that. But most definitely not what he said.
He doesn’t know that I heard him. What I overheard affected me for the rest of the day. I tried so hard for it not to, but it played on my mind and in my heart the whole day.
Am I a bad mom for not being there this weekend?
Do I now not love my daughter as much because I chose to work instead of spend the time with her?
Does my daughter know that she is the reason I get up every morning, and work as hard as I do?
I got home yesterday, and I can’t say that I was distant, but I wasn’t exactly all lovey-dovey either. I wasn’t even angry with L; just hurt. Gutted. Heartbroken. As the evening wore on, my feelings subsided, but I think that was mostly due to the fact that I was exhausted. But I still bathed M-L, spent time with her playing games and watching tv and talking to her, and then after supper, I put her to bed. I then started thinking about the weekend, and how it had made me feel, not being there.
No, I’m not a bad mom for not being there this weekend. I worked hard, and made some reasonable money over this weekend. This money will now help pay off my doctor’s bill from my operation in February, as well as put petrol in the car for this week. Oh, and I can even go and buy some groceries this afternoon. So no, no bad-mom vibes here.
I love my daughter just as much as I did on Friday last week, and the week before that, and the week before that. It’s because I love her so much that I’m doing what I’m doing; working 2 jobs so that I don’t always have to say no at the shops just because I don’t have the money; working 2 jobs so that I can pay the deposit for ‘big school’ next year that’s due in 3 months time; working 2 jobs so that I can buy the 2 tyres that we need for our car so that I can keep taking her to school and me to work. I love my daughter.
At only 4.5 years old yes, M-L knows that I love her, but I don’t think that she can fully understand or comprehend the fact that everything I do, I do for her. That I don’t sleep properly when she’s in our bed, because I’m so scared that she’s going to fall on the floor. That every noise that I hear in her room wakes me, and that I lie awake making sure that she’s ok. That every bruise and scratch makes my heart pump faster, and that every hug and kiss makes my heart skip a beat. That every cuddle and ‘I love you mommy’ makes this whole exhausting time in my life all worth it. That when she looks at me with her sparkling blue eyes full of love and awe at the little sweetie that I brought home for her, that it doesn’t matter that she doesn’t know just how much that I love her right now; she knows that I love her, and I know that she loves me.
I don’t want to miss any part of my daughter’s life, but in life certain sacrifices have to be made. In this regard, I am grateful that M-L has 2 parents that are married, who can back each other up when and if the time comes. That if both parents can’t be somewhere, at least 1 will be. And this 2 job thing isn’t permanent. It’s just to help us for the next few months to try and escape this financial rut that we’re currently in.
But this Saturday? I don’t know what we’ll be doing, if we’ll even be leaving the house at all. What I do know is that it will be her and me time, from the minute she opens her eyes in the morning, to the minute she closes them that night.