I am not perfect. I am not invincible. I am not unbreakable.
And I think that I have FINALLY realised this.
I am not the perfect mom, but I know that I can do better.
I know that I need to devote far more time to my beautiful, innocent, amazing daughter, the daughter that I too quickly tell to go and play in her room, or watch tv because ‘I’m too busy to play with her, or read her a story or just spend time with her’.
These last 2 weeks have been very stressful. I didn’t blog much, because I was so deep down in a black hole, that I didn’t know if I would ever be able to climb out. I lay in bed this weekend, with some awful thoughts running through my head. I barely spoke. I barely communicated. I contemplated moving out, even leaving my wonderful, fantastic, love-of-my-life daughter behind.
I was in a bad place.
Do you know who is to blame for these last 2 weeks?
No, my husband is not the perfect man. He is selfish and stubborn and cold and sometimes heartless and I often look at him, imagining what it would be like to smother him with a pillow. But this blog post isn’t about him and his short comings. It’s about mine.
I too am selfish.
I too am stubborn.
I too can be cold.
I too can be heartless.
I have come to realise over the past 2 days, that I have not been giving my full 100%. And not just for the last few weeks or months. For the last few years. I have been putting only half (sometimes even less) of what I should have been for so long, that it’s become normal for me to do so.
Relying on my daughter to entertain herself.
Not communicating with my husband.
Relying on others to assist me and help me, when I hardly assist and help myself.
Studying at the last minute, then wondering why I didn’t get the mark that I wanted.
Sitting at work, but not working.
These are all choices and decisions that I have made. I have become lazy. I have become unreliable. I have become unpleasant.
I felt that I had to write this post, as for the first time in my life, I have had an epiphany of sorts.
I AM CAPABLE OF SO MUCH MORE.
I DESERVE SO MUCH MORE.
I AM WORTH SO MUCH MORE.
I AM IN CONTROL OF MY OWN DESTINY.
As mentioned above, this post has nothing to do with my husband and our relationship in the sense of US. This post is about me realising what a total and utter bitch I have been and am. I always tell my friends that my husband is not the easiest person to live with, but you know what? Neither am I.
Something that I was told last week has really hit home, and stuck with me. I was told to “stop having the secretary mentality”. My current job title is secretary, however I am assisting in another department as it ties in with my studies. I immediately ran to the manager of said department when I was given my project for my diploma, crying out “I can’t do this – help!” She looked me in the eye, and told me to get rid of my secretary mentality. To stop believing that I needed someone to tell me what to do, to give me instruction. That I am capable. That I have so much potential. Funnily enough, my best friend told me pretty much the same thing at breakfast last Friday. Again, this goes right back to me being stuck in a routine, me being so used to being given an instruction, being told what to do. I haven’t had to think for myself in about 10 years.
And that’s pretty scary actually.
No, having this epiphany isn’t going to magically fix me. I am a routine person, and I detest change. It took me 5 years to get out of an abusive job because I was so used to the routine of it all. That’s how much I prefer routine. But even though this epiphany and blog post aren’t going to make me into a new person, they’re certainly going to help.
I have a lot of work to do, and mostly with and on myself. Before I can expect to repair the damage to my relationships with my husband and daughter, I have to repair the damage done to myself, by myself.
So right now, I’m a work in progress. I have no idea what the finished product looks like, and I have no idea how long it will take to ‘fix’ me.
But I’m certainly going to give it my absolute 100% to find out.