I’m sitting here at my desk, utterly lost. And I’m not actually sure why. These last few weeks have been strange, like I’ve physically felt the happiness that I was feeling, literally leaving me, bit by bit, day by day. I am not by nature a happy person. I call it being realistic, others call it being a pessimist. I’m not denying that I’m a pessimist, but as I have said before, I’d rather set myself up for disappointment, so that when I am disappointed, it’s not such a huge blow. The happiness that I felt just a few short weeks ago, feels like a lifetime ago. The carefree nature that I experienced is gone; my laughter is a quiet smile these days, and the excitement and motivation that I felt regarding my training and the road races that I’ve entered is gone.
My lack of motivation with regards to my road running, has me seriously considering not even rocking up for next weekend’s race. I’m nowhere near prepared, but that has never stopped me before. I just cannot be bothered. I have my big race at the end of next month, and again I am just not interested. I would quite rather curl up into bed and sleep away this exhaustion and sadness that has crept up on me. These last 2 days have been especially despairing. And I cannot even tell you why. And that is because I just don’t know why.
I’ve also become nasty. And jealous. And even a little selfish. And I am none of those 3 things. Those 3 words scare me. I don’t like those 3 words at all. Yet here I am typing them, to describe me.
Where have I gone? Will I come back? And no, this isn’t a plea for help, or a ‘feel sorry for me’ post. These are my feelings that I am documenting, because the change has just been all too sudden. I’m used to my mood changing in the blink of an eye, but this spiral downwards just feels so unexpected, so unwarranted.
And I don’t have anymore words to type, so I’m just going to leave it as is.