Well, quite honestly, I don’t remember much about that day. It was Monday the 26th of October 2009, and in just a few hours, I was going to be your mommy. I hated everything thing about being pregnant, except for one thing; feeling you move inside of me. You never kicked me in the spine or ribs or kidneys, you never ‘hurt’ me as so many mommies complain about. Yes, you did sit on a nerve for the last 3 months of the pregnancy which was excruciatingly painful, but I dealt with it, day by day. I loved feeling you; it was like liquid gold. I treasured every single movement that you made, and that’s what I miss the most, even to this day.
We were running a bit late (what’s new) but we eventually got there. What should have been a pleasant, smooth descent into parenthood, was more like a crash landing into a swamp. I remember walking into the small hospital, and the nurses were practically waiting to pounce on me! “You’re late!” they chastised me. I just stood there, very tempted to say “no actually I’m 2.5 weeks early” but held my tongue. I was whisked off to the general maternity ward, where I then begged your daddy to get me a private room. I have a thing about privacy, and something as important and major as becoming a mommy, I didn’t particularly feel like sharing with a couple of strange women. Your daddy agreed (thank goodness) and I then tried to get myself comfortable, which didn’t happen. Your daddy and Nana were kicked out the room, and I was made to change into 1 of those hideous hospital gowns, and then the nurses shaved me (dry for some arbitrary reason, and yes it hurt and was uncomfortable and also humiliating :() and then they decided to insert the catheter. Dr John had no idea why the nurses did that, as he was going to do it once we were in theatre, and having a catheter inserted without any numbing effect whatsoever was most definitely not something I’ll ever want to repeat, as well as it being highly humiliating. And, yes, it also hurt *sniff* I was then made to lie on a bed for what seemed like hours, before eventually being wheeled off into theatre with your daddy. That was after being made to scooch from the 1 bed over to the other, and that of course resulted in that damn nerve in my groin feeling like it was snapping in half. Fun. Not.
The very friendly anesthetist then explained the epidural to me, and as I’ve had 4 lumbar punctures before, another needle in the middle of my back didn’t seem so bad. It hurt like a bitch. I then lay down, and that’s when my heart rate decided to drop to about 40 beats a minute, which to the uninformed (which included me) is bad. I was then given something to counteract my immense nausea and bring my heart rate up, and once everyone was happy, the c-section procedure began. I was a little annoyed, as I wasn’t allowed to bring in my glasses, so the 20 or so minutes without them had already started a minor headache, plus I really did want to see what was going on! I managed to squint my eyes towards that big silver light thing above me, and managed to make out this huge gaping hole in my tummy. It was at that point that your daddy almost passed out, and put his head next to mine. He was filming your birth, and I was so disappointed as I thought that he wasn’t able to do so due to the fact that he was about ready to faceplant the floor, but he managed to position his arm before ducking his head in next to mine. I remember Dr John making a joke about the missing river Nile water being in my womb (oh hahaha) and feeling this gooey, warm, sticky liquid on my right hand, and then a proclamation that you were a girl! We already knew that, but it was a relief to have it re-confirmed 😉 I then asked why you weren’t crying, and then you did, and then daddy and I joined in. The nurses and doctors did your Apgar Test (9/10 & 10/10) and then I was allowed to see you, all wrinkly and covered in vernix and frowning (you still frown in the exact same way by the way ;)) and then you were whisked off, whilst I was sewed back together. I remember Dr John and his assistant idly chatting about houses and cars “oh did you see that bleeder, ok good” and about 30mins or so later after having a ‘bed-bath’ by one of the nurse aides, I was taken back to my room.
And that my darling daughter, is about all I remember, because I was pumped so full of synthetic morphine, that I believed Tigger was in the room, having a picnic with Winnie-the-Pooh and all of his friends. I remember being told that your daddy had given you your first feed which made me so angry as I had said that I wanted to breastfeed you, but I was so high I think I giggled. I remember hearing you cry as you received your first bath, and then I remember scratching myself for the next 10 hours, as I ended up having a sensitivity to the synthetic morphine, that resulted in the itches from the top of my head, to the tips of my toes. And of course from my waist down, I was stuck, as I had a huge cut in my belly *sigh* I do remember asking to see you, and that I kinda held you for about 1min about an hour or so after you’d been born, and then I didn’t see you again until about 5am the next morning. The nurses kept telling me to rest, that they’d take care of you, and I remember eventually demanding to see you, that you were MY daughter and I wanted to hold you and feed you. The nurse eventually brought you through to me, and I remember snuggling with you, and trying to feed you, and feeling this glow. I now realise that the glow was the high from the morphine, as I have never experienced anything more painful and uncomfortable and embarrassing and humiliating as breastfeeding. It works for some mothers, not for me. Even in the privacy of my own bedroom, just you and me kiddo, I hated it. Anyway, we went home on the Tuesday, about 30 hours after you’d been born. I had walked into hospital, a lumbering 92kg of pregnant, and walked out, aided by your Nana as daddy was getting the car ready, with a tummy that looked like I was 6 months pregnant, and a searing pain in my belly that made me was to throw myself off of the cliff nearby!
So my first day as your mommy wasn’t exactly every new mom’s dream come true, but it’s certainly a unique birthing story I think, and that experience has not once deterred my love for you my princess-pie.
This post was written in response to the Daily Prompt: First!