I have lost count over the years as to how many conversations my husband and I have had. We’ve had a silly convo’s, the serious convo’s, the threatening convo’s, the hilarious convo’s and the how-was-your-day convo’s. But last night we had a conversation that has reaffirmed my love for him, and has helped quell my fears about our future.
We discussed the last 11 days, and how they have not only negatively affected him, but also me as well. As the majority of my family will tell you (especially my husband) I do not talk about my feelings. I do not like opening up, I do not like showing emotion in front of people. It’s silly, I know, but I feel that it makes me weak, and I already feel so weak at so much in life. My emotions have always been all over the show, and it’s a lot of hard work and effort to refrain from showing them. Even towards my husband. I have issues, yes, I know 😉
I finished up supper last night as hubby was utterly exhausted from his first day back at work after a week off, his meds, and just life in general. He then went upstairs to relax and watch tv, whilst our daughter and I stayed downstairs whilst I tried to con her into eating her vegetables. Nope, that didn’t work out too well! I left her downstairs to go upstairs and check on hubby, and also take him a cup of coffee, and it happened. I just started talking. I don’t know how or why; I shocked even myself. But I completely opened up to him. He sat on his couch, and listened to me, watching me. Before this all took place, I did read him my blog post from yesterday, about our life story, summarised. He liked it, and I think that’s what prompted me to speak to him. I’ve been quite shy in sharing my writing with him, but I happily and willingly share it with strangers. Weird, I know.
The hardest thing that I said to him last night, which had me taking a breath and blinking back the tears, was this :
I have never felt more alone than how I felt last week.
For me to admit my fear, my weakness, my vulnerability is a huge thing for me. Oh, I readily admit that I’m scared of horror movies and zombies and spiders, but to admit such an intimate feeling was huge for me.
My husband’s biggest fear, is that if something were to happen to him, would I be able to cope. Before the past 11 days, we both have said no. Hell, I’ve openly admitted it. But now, today? Yes, I would be able to cope, in the physical sense. I can run our household, maybe not financially, but I can take care of our daughter and I, the animals, the cleaning, the cooking etc. Things that single parents have to do daily. I did not know that I had this strength in me; we both didn’t.
We both agreed that what happened to him was awful and we wish it never had, however we are both in a sense grateful, as it has brought us closer together, and has also forced me to ‘grow up’, oddly enough.
I never have been much of a ‘speaking’ person; I convey my thoughts, opinions, hurt, anger, love etc through my writing. I tend to get so flustered when speaking, and generally muck it up, so writing has become my medium of communication.
I had abandoned my writing for so many years. In the last few months, I’ve rediscovered my love for it, and along the way, me.
Don’t leave those conversations unsaid. You might be amazed and awed at what you get out of them.