A silent burglar slinking through my thoughts
Snatching what happiness I have
Filling the voids with questions and self loathing
Placing doubt everywhere I look

Uneasiness settles over me
My thoughts scatter
My breath catches in my throat
And my eyes glisten with the pain

My heart lurches from my chest
Desperate to continue beating
But my mind knows that the end is near
And calmly pushes back

Change is something that scares me
It causes me to panic
It causes me to fret
Change is something that scares me

But then again

Change is the only constant in life
And adaptation is key
So in order to adapt
I must learn to accept change

to breathe

Unable to

My fingers clawing at the invisible cell
The inability to fully breathe
A prisoner of my own mind
My heart numb, empty

Life continues
We still cannot breathe
All we want is for one pure breath
To not feel suffocation

And then

My mind pauses
My heart stills
My breath calms
And I inhale, deeply, peacefully, completely

Oh to breathe
Without fear of consequence
Without pain
Without longing

Oh, to just breathe

on not sleeping

I have an issue with sleep. Or rather, sleep has an issue with me. I go to bed. I snuggle into the covers, I do actually fall asleep. But then, just a few short hours later I wake up, and lie in my bed, absolutely desperate to sleep, but simply unable to.

At my last shrink appointment, I asked for the sleeping tablets that she wanted to put me on back in April but that I declined, as the twins were still waking up during the night, and as the husband sleeps like the dead, I couldn’t afford to be out of it with them. The twins have thankfully started sleeping through in the past 6 weeks or so, so you would think that I would be able to get some sleep too. Nope. Even if I go to bed at 8pm, I still get less than 3 hours of sleep a night. So 2 weeks ago, I started with the sleeping tablets. They’ve helped in that I pass out pretty quickly, but I do still wake up once or twice in the night, and then doze off until 5am when it’s time to get up. But they don’t make me feel drowsy throughout the day, and I don’t feel that they take too long to wear off. Once I’m awake in the morning, it’s all good. I’m still tired, but it’s my normal tired.

This last week has been, well, weird. From me still being sick (over a month now) which included Bronchitis, a middle ear infection (left ear) and a perforated ear drum (right ear) to last minute party planning (this is a sore spot – not yet ready to talk about it) I have had some really late nights. My shrink told me that if I didn’t feel the need to take a sleeping tablet that I mustn’t; it’s simply there to aid me. So on Friday night, it was about 10pm or so and I was exhausted. Right, so no sleeping pill. Geez like. Worst mistake ever. I was up at sparrow’s fart for the flea market on Saturday morning, all on about 3 hours sleep. I felt awful. After the flea market, the afternoon whizzed by and I was back at my mom’s house at about 6pm getting ready for the princess’ birthday party yesterday. As it was a surprise party, I had none of the decorations or snacks or ANYTHING at our house; it was all at my mom’s. Because it was a “budget” party this year, I didn’t buy any branded cups or plates, table cloths etc; everything was sourced off of the internet, and done by hand. The polystyrene white cups had cut out Ariel pictures stuck on them, as did the white paper plates. My sister made ‘fishy’ cup cakes, my mom made the sandwiches for the adults, my father-in-law sponsored the muffins and cool drink etc. It was a huge family effort (as it always is) but even more so this year. I left my mom’s at 11:45pm on Saturday night, and as I was absolutely buggered from Friday night and the entire Saturday (plus the fact that it would have been pointless taking a sleeping pill so late in the evening), I got home and crashed into bed. Again, awful, terrible idea. I woke up on Sunday morning feeling like a total zombie. I’d had maybe 7 hours sleep in almost 3 days, and it really was getting to me.

The party was a success; Morgan-Lee was totally surprised and she and her friends had a wonderful morning. The rest of Sunday went by in a blur, as I took 2 of her friends home with us after the party, and only took them back home at almost 5pm. So I had 2 cranky babies (they hadn’t slept the whole day) and 3 sugar high kids, and all I wanted to do was sleep. After our 3 were all tucked in, I decided that right, now it was my turn! I looked at my sleeping tablets, and knew that 1 just wasn’t going to cut it. So I took more than 1. I took more than 2.

I don’t really remember yesterday. And the worst bit? I feel even more exhausted. I spent literally the entire day in bed yesterday, apart from doing the school run in the morning and at lunch time (which I shouldn’t have done), but I feel beyond exhausted. My head is fuzzy, my tummy hurts and my head is throbbing. I just wanted to sleep. But instead, I did something really stupid. Something that I honestly didn’t mean to do. I read the precautions on the pill box insert; I should have been fine. But I wasn’t. And the worst bit? The husband thinks it was on purpose. I just wanted to sleep. I just want to sleep.

I’m back at work today, trying to catch up but it’s difficult as I’m still so fuzzy. And I’m down. So down. I know that with just 1 good night’s sleep I’ll feel so much better, but I just can’t seem to get to that point.

2016, you really can just end now. And I know that I’m not the only one that thinks that.


2016; the year of wtaf

I don’t know about you, but 2016 has been a really crappy year for me. The bad news has just seemingly been never-ending.

I don’t even actually have the energy to write in-depth as to what is going on now, but please just keep the husband in your thoughts. Yet another medical scare that we’re currently dealing with.


getting bread and milk with the kids vs getting bread and milk without the kids

With Kids

1. Pack a baby bag. Forget that your wet wipes are finished, and only pack 1 nappy each. Should be enough. Forget the juice bottles and snacks, because irritable children are such delights in the car.
2. Wrestle 2 toddlers into their car seats, all whilst yelling for your eldest to unglue her face from the tv and get into the car.
3. Once everyone is buckled in, drive off. Stop 20m down the road to turn around and fetch your purse on the kitchen counter.
4. Get to the shopping centre, where the “mom & tots” parking is taken up by non-moms & tots. Eventually find a parking 14km away from the mall entrance.
5. Realising that you’ve also forgotten the pram/stroller, you grab the closest trolley and load all 3 kids in. The eldest inevitably jumps out in the middle of the parking lot to “beat you inside”. The other two are now pulling each other’s hair. Great.
6. Walk into the shop, and instantly start cursing yourself for going out with all 3 kids, all whilst 4 little hands are grabbing every breakable in sight. The other 2 medium sized hands are sizing up the toy aisle. You just walk past.
7. Finally make it to the bread section, after having made a detour down the snack aisle, as 2 shrieking babies does not a fun shopping trip make. Ensure security isn’t watching you as you rip open the packet of chips, and basically throw it at said babies. Grab a loaf of bread.
8. Remove said bread loaf from the trolley, after babies decide that it’s just so interesting, and that they must stand on it. And poke it. And throw it on the floor. Remember that you have a 3rd child still in the toy aisle.
9. Shimmy on over to the toy aisle. Grab eldest child’s hand and drag her away, all whilst trying not to trip over her bottom lip that has suddenly grown 3ft and is now dragging on the floor.
10. Make a u-turn into the dairy aisle, and grab 2 bottles of milk. Place said milk into the trolley with the babies. Very quickly remove said milk bottles. Hand loaf of bread to the eldest child who acts like it’s 50kg and is under immense torture. Hook a bottle of milk onto each pinky finger, and push the trolley to the checkout.
11. Wait until the cashier is clear before offloading your 3 items onto her till, as 3 pairs of hands are now grabbing sweets and chocolates and magazines and all of the other wonderful things lined up at the till section. Again, curse yourself for going out with all 3 kids.
12. Pay for your 3 4 (forgot the chips didn’t I) items, and take off like an F1 car from the till, as the chips are now finished and the babies now want EVERYTHING. This is when you realise that your wet wipes are finished, as the babies managed to get more chips in their hair and between their fingers than in their mouths.
13. Make it back to the car that is 14km away, giving a silent air punch that you survived. Offload the 1 shopping bag into the car, and wrestle the 2 babies into their car seats.
14. Remember that you have another child that is not in the car, and bundle her in quickly, side-eyeing everyone just to make sure that they didn’t see her ambling around the car, alone. Realise that there is a smell wafting from 2 little bottoms, but knowing that you have no wet wipes, you block out the smell and turn a blind eye.
15. Drive home, trying to ignore the whining babies who want the juice that you forgot at home, and the drop lip of the eldest who didn’t get the toy that she wanted. Promise that you’re never EVER going shopping with all 3 kids (alone) ever again.

Without Kids

1. Park in the first available parking, grab your purse, walk into the shop, walk to the bread aisle, grab a loaf, walk to the dairy aisle, grab 2 bottles of milk, walk to the till, pay and go home.

Yep. Pretty much covers it.