why i’m so glad we don’t have a pool

I read a blog post last week, that had me silently sobbing. I was sitting in my bed, feeling my heart sinking further and further past my feet, as I read word after word. I cannot even begin to imagine what this family must be going through. The immense sadness, grief, guilt, anger, and and and.

We don’t have a pool at home. And I am so very glad for that. Not because I blame Jane for what happened to Natey, but simply because it could have happened to one of my children, so many damn times. I have realised that I take our little piece of heaven for granted; I let the twins potter around outside whilst I’m busy inside, and then Lee will ask me where they are, and I honestly won’t know. Alex was in my car over the weekend, after I had left the keys in the ignition, as Lee was going to pull my car in under the carport. All it takes is a turn of the key, and he could have been so seriously injured, or God help me, killed.

All it takes is split second. A minute. A quick look-away. When the twins were in hospital in November 2015, Alex fell out of the hospital cot onto his head, a good 1m drop. Both the nurse and I were at his cot, sorting out drips and bottles and and and. That’s how fast it happened. I am so grateful that no permanent damage was caused, but I felt so guilty for weeks after it happened. And my son didn’t die.

Natey turned 2 almost 5 months ago. Alex and Maddie will be 2 in just over 2 weeks. Was Natey’s death preventable? Yes, of course it was. Was it on purpose? Absolutely not. Is Jane the world’s worst mother for taking her eyes off of him for maybe 5 minutes? No. There is no maybe; it’s just no.

What happened to Natey was a cruel, awful, heartbreaking ACCIDENT. His beautiful smile is burned into my memory, and I didn’t even have the privilege of knowing this handsome little guy.

What Natey’s tragic passing has taught me is that I need to be more vigilant. I need to put down my phone, take my eyes off of the tv, and focus on my kids. Because when they’re not asleep in their beds, they could quite literally be up to anything. Attempting to catch the koi fish (there is a net over the pond), climbing up onto the veranda where they could easily fall off the 1m edge and injure themselves, investigating the electrical points throughout the house, opening the kitchen cupboards where the poisons are, and and and.

Jane, Andrew and your entire family; I am so sorry for what happened to Natey. But thank-you for sharing what happened Jane, because through what happened to your gorgeous little guy, I honestly believe that you have helped save countless other innocent little lives, mine included.

Strength, love, hope and thoughts to you all.

G x

a new beginning

Those who know me, know that I do not like change. I have my routine, and I stick to my routine. Yes, I am lazy and procrastinate something awful, but I stick to my basics, and that keeps me sane. Well most days anyway.

I made a huge decision last November; I decided to stretch my wings and see what else was out there, job-wise. I have never cried so much whilst resigning. I have never felt such immense self-doubt in myself after I had resigned. I had not felt fear like I did in those first few days after resigning, that I did back in November. My emotional state was so bad that I ended up going to see my psychiatrist a month before I was supposed to, for an emergency appointment to try and figure out if I had or hadn’t just screwed up my entire life. And I’m so glad that I went and saw her, that I asked for help. That in itself was a monstrous step for me.

Today I started my new job. It’s back in the industry that I love, in the industry that I’m qualified in. It’s daunting, and chaotic, and busy and frenetic and I am honestly so excited to see what I can achieve here. I must admit, I’m easing into the job as the factory only opens next week Monday, so it’s me and 2 other people here, literally! But it’s giving me time to go through policies and procedures, to try and familiarise myself with this new environment.

I’d be lying if I said that I woke up this morning ready to conquer the day. I was nervous and my tummy was really sore. I had a silent drive to work (apart from the gps telling me to turn right in 500m and then me almost missing that very obvious right turn) and when I arrived, there was no one else here. I was early, which was good, but when 8am arrived and there was still no one here, I started to panic. I wouldn’t have put it past myself to have mixed my dates up, and be the only chop reporting for work today! But, as luck would have it, two colleagues arrived, and welcomed me in.

I really do feel like I’m going to be ok, that I’m going to fit in here. I know that it’s early days, and I have no idea of the chaos and work-load that’s coming my way, but I am secretly so excited for it, that I can barely keep it in! I miss my old colleagues, I miss my old boss. But even he knew, in his own way, that it was time for me to move on, to be more.

So, I’m not going to say that 2017 is going to be my year, because I don’t know if it will be.

But I’m certainly going to give it everything that I’ve got.

G

nurturing the gift of life

I regard myself as a blessed woman. I have 3 children who are generally healthy (apart from the odd runny nose or bum rash) and I had no issues whatsoever in conceiving them. In fact, my youngest 2 children were conceived at the same time, without any modern intervention at all! Needless to say, my factory was closed within minutes of our twins entering the world.

One of the many things that sets a woman apart from a man, is her ability to hold and nurture life in her womb. For so many women, this is sadly not to be. So many women and families spend thousands and thousands of Rands, Dollars, Pounds, even tens and hundreds of thousands in order to achieve the dream of a family, but it just doesn’t happen. IVF is normally the first step, followed then by maybe surrogacy, and then maybe adoption.

But there is another option.

I am an egg donor. I have been since 2011. I only recently told my mom about this, as I respect her thoughts and feelings on this subject, as with her childhood, I know that this is a sensitive topic for her. But she supports and applauds me, and that feels pretty damn awesome!

I am registered through an amazing agency called Nurture. I came across their website back in 2010, via an ad on Facebook of all places! By February 2011 I had been selected by a family, and my first donation process was under way.

It’s no walk in the park, I’ll tell you that right now. You are injecting yourself daily with hormones to increase YOUR hormone levels, to get your little ovaries to work overtime to produce more follicles, and ultimate more little eggies. You then have to get a rather nasty burning injection just before the eggs are retrieved, to stop your body from naturally ovulating them. So essentially you walk around like you’re 6 months pregnant for a few days. Well I did anyway!

Because of the current laws in our country, total anonymity is required. And that’s honestly ok with me. I don’t see it as giving up a child; I see it as giving away some of my DNA. I know that there are twin girls currently in the UK who were welcomed into this world in December 2011, because I was chosen. I am currently waiting to hear back from another recipient who chose me a few months back as to whether or not she will be a mommy soon. You see the thing with egg donation, is that it is not a sure-fix, guaranteed way to become a parent. There is still the possibility that the pregnancy will fail. What I find so amazing is that if it is a heterosexual couple, my eggs are fertilised with the father-to-be’s sperm, and then the fertilized follicle is inserted into the mother-to-be’s womb. Then if all goes well, a baby (or more) is welcomed into the world 9 or so months later. If it is a same-sex couple, then either 1 of the women will be the carrier, or there will be a surrogate involved.

I have given my consent for my follicles to be used for same-sex couples and heterosexual couples. You see, I don’t really care if a baby has 2 mommies or 2 daddies; all I care about is that that baby is loved and honoured and nurtured and protected. And the ladies at Nurture are so incredible; everyone (recipients and donors) are screened and asked intensive questions including full medical background and history, family background and history and and and.

Looking at my children, holding my children, welcoming my children into the world are the absolute highlights of my life. Yes I am tired, no make that exhausted. I’m broke, and frazzled and frustrated, and I cannot imagine my life without my 3 little people in it. The hugs, the kisses, the tantrums, the learning, the grasping, their lives forever entwined in mine.

I am about to embark on this journey again, and I am so excited. I have the opportunity to help complete a family.

I may not be able to end world famine or bring about world peace, but I can help to complete a family.

And I’m pretty ok with that.

G

*This is not a sponsored post. For more information about donating through the Nurture program, please have a look at their website via the link above.*

Picture found on http://www.tertia.org/so_close/2005/10/egg_donor_ivf_i.html