my fingers are tired

This is actually a positive post. I’m just so emotionally drained and physically exhausted that it may come across a bit negative. Or a lot negative. But something negative.

On Friday last week, I received a little bit of positive news. The wonderful lady that has been assisting my husband and I with regards to vehicle finance since August, e-mailed me saying that she thinks that she MIGHT be able to assist us. I informed the husband, and we spent the weekend not being positive, but not being entirely negative either. We’ve heard no after no after no for the past 2.5 months, so at this stage, another no wouldn’t have actually done much. I think I’m so emotionally dead inside with regards to this whole situation, but it was awesome to read that someone just might be able to assist.

I phoned the lady this morning at about 11am after waiting (rather impatiently) for her to e-mail me (which she didn’t) and she told me that on Friday the deal was pre-approved, but today it had come back declined. I just said oh. Without any emotion. Just oh. She then said that she was still working on it, and that it wasn’t a final decision. Anyway, about an hour (maybe longer) later, she asked me to call her (via e-mail) and she told me that the deal was now approved, however it wasn’t for the R146k that we’d asked for, but for R99.5k. That is the most that Wesbank will finance my husband for (last December they financed him for R130k, but anyway…). What this means is that the car that we had found back in August, that is still sitting with our dealership, we can’t buy as we don’t have the R50k odd to put in. And so the great search began. Again.

I spoke to the husband, informed him of the situation, and he said to me that even if we end up in the same model Merc that we had, he’s happy. Even though Lizzy wasn’t going to be big enough (technically) we were going to be driving her until the end of next year anyway. So off I went looking. And surprisingly enough I have found 5-7 C-Class Merc’s ranging from R70-R100k that we could purchase. The awesome thing about the dealership that we have gone through, is that they do buy cars from other dealerships and from private sellers, and they do all of the legwork, all of the inspections etc. I think most dealerships do, but I am very slightly biased towards our dealership. So I have sent our rep all of the links (the cars I found are all online) and he has said to leave it to him; he will sort it out.

I doubt that I’ll be back in a car this week, but at least I know that I will be back in a car. I have done so much online searching, and vehicle research and phoning and e-mailing and I’m just really tired now.

I know that life is all about the lessons, but wow. This has certainly been a life lesson that I don’t intend relearning.

Ever.

G

my fingers are itching…

I am not a superstitious person, but I do believe in jinxing things. That’s why I can’t actually write about what I want to write about. But maybe, and hopefully, by early next week I will be able to write about what happened a few hours ago.

All I’m asking is that you keep my family in positive thoughts.

If it’s meant to be, it will be.

G

he’s not excited

This past week or so, the babies have really started making their presence known. It’s been pretty cool, as well as uncomfortable, as there are 2 of them sharing space kinda designed for 1, and I’ve found myself disciplining them already! The one baby, the girl I think, keeps pressing her backside (or her head, who knows) really hard against the inside of my tummy, which isn’t painful, but is helluva uncomfortable. I’ve found out very quickly that she (it) responds very quickly to me tapping my belly, as she promptly rearranges herself. Aaahhhhh, bliss!

But that’s about as happy as this blog post is going to get.

On Friday the 12th of September, I wrote my husband a letter. It was almost 5 and a half pages long. The reason for the letter, is that we can never just have a conversation, a discussion. It generally starts out that way, but then one or both of us misunderstands the other, takes everything out of context and it becomes a screaming, shouting, swearing match that generally has me in tears, him closed off and ultimately me telling him that I want a divorce. On said Friday, my husband had woken up in one of his normal morning moods, a mood that I’ve come to ignore as he’s (a) not a morning person, and (b) he’s really stressed out about our whole car / finance situation. But then he took it out on M-L, and I defended her, because he was wrong. She and I left the house with him telling me to f*** off. During the course of the morning, he phoned me. I ignored it. He phoned again. I ignored it again. He kept phoning, and I kept ignoring. He eventually sent me a message saying that he needed to talk to me. I didn’t respond. He phoned again. I didn’t even look at my phone. He then sent me another message, saying that he got the message and that he hoped that I had a good day. During this 1.5 hour calling / messaging session, I was writing to him. And not an email. I’m talking a handwritten letter, with mistakes and smudges and emotion. When I was done with the letter, I scanned it to my computer, folded the original and put it in an envelope for him. I then emailed him the scanned copy, and in the email body I told him that I would give him the original that afternoon when I saw him.

The basics of the letter were as follows:

1) My car accident, and how it was really just an accident. I didn’t wake up on Thursday the 31st of July and decide “HEY! I’m gonna write off the car today!” Yes, due to a decision that I made the car was written off, but it was an ACCIDENT.

2) Sex. Or rather, the lack of it. I am very insecure about my body, even though my husband has assured me that he loves me just the way that I am, pregnancy scars and all. August he didn’t touch me. July I think it happened once. I explained in the letter that sex is not just about pleasure for me; it is an intimate way of showing love, passion intimacy. The last time I can actually recall us being intimate, honestly, was in May. That’s when I fell pregnant.

3) The twins. I didn’t ask to be pregnant with twins. I am so scared of what the future holds for us as a family, because I don’t know how we’re going to provide for our 3 children. If he doesn’t think that I’m not worried or stressed, then he really has been living in a dream world. I wrote to him that when we found out that it was twins back in mid-July I already felt him pulling away, and then the accident at the end of July was just the cherry on top. He completely withdrew from anything baby related. I tried talking to him about a cot and prams and car seats, and was told that it wasn’t a priority; a car was. Yes, absolutely, getting a car is our top priority, however these twins are just as important. To not focus on what we need for them NOW will only result in us having to stress about it at the last minute, which is wrong. I wrote that I felt totally alone in this pregnancy; I send him pictures of how my belly is growing and I don’t even get a response. Nothing. And this then ties in with point 2, because he no longer touched me. This point about the twins is something that I’m going to elaborate on a little further on in the post.

4) His anger issues, and the fact that he all too quickly takes his anger and frustration out on M-L. Never physically, but verbally, emotionally. And her beautiful little soul will become irrevocably damaged if he doesn’t sort it out ASAP. I know that I’m no saint, and that I can lose my cool and snap at her, but not to the extent that he does and can. Yes, our lives are pretty shitty right now; he’s angry and depressed about it all and he doesn’t deserve one iota of what has happened over the last 2 and a bit months, but our daughter doesn’t need to suffer for it.

5) I wrote about how he told me to f*** off as I was leaving the house that morning, and then he tries to phone me later that morning as if everything was ok, to tell me that our domestic helper had made a rabbit stew and that it was really delicious. That’s what all of the phone calls were about. I wrote that out of no fault of his, I had alienated all of my friends because of our relationship, to the point that I have maybe 5 friends in my life, most of which are overseas. And the one time we were invited to one of my dearest friend’s wedding back in February, he utterly embarrassed and humiliated me by making us leave early. We have been at this for 11 years now; how much longer were we going to break each other?

6) His anti-socialness. Our invites to HIS friend’s braais (BBQ’s) have waned so significantly over the years, that they don’t even exist anymore. No one is allowed to have a spontaneous decision, except him. The pot calling the kettle black. Only he can have impromptu braais and invite people over, but no one else. And then when we are invited somewhere, he tells me to go and enjoy myself. But WE were invited; I want to go as a couple, because that’s what we are. I think.

My last point in the letter basically said that I wasn’t asking for a divorce, but that we most certainly not together, and that I would be coming home to give him the letter, pack a bag for M-L and I, and go somewhere. I had no idea where, but somewhere.

At 12h20 he was standing in front of my desk. He asked me if we could go out for lunch. I just looked at him, and after a while I asked if he’d read his email. He looked at me, this sombre look on his face and said yes. He asked me again; can we go out for lunch. I cleared leaving the premises with my boss, and off we went. I only get a 30min lunch break, but we sat talking in his company car for almost 45mins, and then walked around the shopping centre. We never actually got lunch, but it was a good talk. A very overdue talk. And one of the things we discussed (well we actually discussed every point in my letter) were the twins. He apologised to me for leaving me alone, making me feel alone, for being so disconnected. It was unintentional, he’s just so stressed. He also said that I mustn’t think that he’s not excited, because he really is. He’s just battling to show it because of everything else that’s going on. But he is excited.

On Tuesday night, he told me to my face that he wasn’t excited. I’ve never felt my heart drop to my feet so quickly. This goes back to point 3 in my letter. The twins and how I feel so alone in this pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong; he’s shown me that he’s excited in a sense by responding to my pictures with the word WOW or smiling when I tell him the movements etc, but that’s about it. He hasn’t once tried to touch my tummy, hasn’t once tried to help me get comfortable in bed, has once told me that he’s excited since the 12th of September. And then on Tuesday night he told me that it isn’t like M-L; he’s not feeling as excited this time around because of the stress of not having a car and our (his) financial situation that is not allowing us to get a car. I told him that I understood, but inside I was screaming with tears. My heart shattered. He isn’t excited.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I have M-L’s party to plan, things to buy, no money to buy any of the things that I need, and no car to go to the places that I need to go to to buy the things that I need to buy with the money that I don’t have. Our next doctor’s appointment is this coming Monday, and a dead snail is more enthusiastic than he is. And the awful thing, is that it’s rubbing off on me. I’m no longer excited to see the twins on Monday. I can’t be bothered to actually go, mostly because it means that M-L will have to miss school because the doctor is in the opposite direction to her school, and L can’t take her in the morning and then make it back in time to get me to the appointment. But also because this whole situation is not what a pregnancy should be. The check up after my car accident, he didn’t even come in with me. He dropped me off and said that he needed to go and see a customer. By the time he had finished I hadn’t yet gone into see the doctor so he ended up coming in with me, but not happily. Not willingly. It’s like he didn’t want to be seen as the dad who didn’t go in, in front of all of the other parents.

I feel him pulling away from me again; I’ve felt it for a while now. I am again alone in this pregnancy. 2 little people being brought into this world, to a father who isn’t excited, and a mother who just wants it to be over and done with.

He’s not excited.

And I feel so alone.

G

things my daughter said (and asked) when i told her that i was pregnant

The husband and I told M-L that ‘there is a baby in mommy’s tummy’ on Wednesday the 18th of June.

This blog post was started on Friday, the 20th of June 2014.

Thursday, 19th of June 2014:  “Mommy, is the baby here yet?”  (asked when I fetched M-L from creche)

Thursday, 19th of June 2014:  “Mommy, is the baby going to go to school?” (asked when we got to my mom’s house to drop my sister off)

Friday, 20th of June 2014: “Did daddy and you find out if it’s a girl?” (asked whilst at my mom’s house)

Saturday, 21st of June 2014: “I love the baby” and “When is the baby coming out?”(both asked whilst out at the shops)

Saturday, 21st of June 2014: “Does the baby like it warm, the baby in your tummy ?” (asked when I placed her hot water bottle on my sore tummy that night) and then at her bedtime, when she asked me for her hot water bottle “is the baby warm now?”

Sunday, 22nd of June 2014: “I love you and I love the baby.” (said at about 4am whilst snuggling with me in bed)

Monday, 23rd of June 2014:  “You’re fat, no your tummy is fat because the baby is inside.” (said whilst I was bathing her in the evening)

Monday, 23rd of June 2014:  “Is the baby sleeping in your tummy?” and “when the baby comes out, it wil be 1 years old.  When I came out your tummy I was 1 years old.”  and ” Babies don’t know how to have parties.  They chew the decorations.  They don’t know how to give it to you.”  (all said whilst tucking her into bed)

Sunday, 28th of June 2014:  “It’s already growed, your tummy is fat.” “The baby and I will share it, the baby in your tummy.” “When is the baby out? Awww, I really want it out today!” (all said whilst at the shops after work and school, meandering through the aisles.

On Monday the 14th of July 2014 we found out that there wasn’t just 1 baby in my tummy, but 2! I went and fetched M-L from school that afternoon, and broke the news to her. She looked at me with a little bit of disbelief, put her head against my tummy and said:

“I really hope I get a brother AND a sister.”

Oh my poppet, you make my heart so full, I sometimes worry that there won’t be space for 2 more little people. Your excitement and pure joy at the fact that you are getting 2 siblings, and ironically enough a brother and a sister, is just further fact that this was just meant to be.

G

i am where i am supposed to be

Today’s Daily Prompt is quite a thought provoker; a time machine that comes in only 2 models – travel to the past or the future, not both.

A fellow blogger wrote pretty much what I wanted to write; I wouldn’t choose either time machine.

Yes, life isn’t today what I thought it would be 15 years ago. I’m broke, car-less, in debt, pregnant with twins, have strained family relationships, and am permanently looking for things to smile about because smiling is so rare for me these days.

But.

Even though I am not where I wanted to be, or even dreamed I would be 15 years ago, I have been taken on this journey, or rather have chosen this journey because I have obviously been destined for the life lessons that I have learnt over the past years.

I actually wrote a post about going back in time a while back, which too is apt for this prompt.

So time-machine-maker-people; you can keep your 2 model time machines.

I’ll quite happily stay put in the present.

G

still looking for the silver lining

At the end of July I had a car accident, which resulted in my insurance company writing off our car. As it stands right now, 67 days after the accident, we still do not have a replacement car. Just over a week after the accident, friends of ours lent me their spare car, which was an absolute Godsend, however I had to return it back to them this past Saturday, which has effectively left me car-less again. We have tried every major bank in South Africa to get vehicle finance for our replacement car, but none are interested. You see, sourcing a replacement car is not the problem; the finance is. And it’s not because my husband is lousy with money or has a bad credit rating, it all boils down to how he receives his salary every month.

My husband’s bank statements show a monthly income that would allow him to purchase a vehicle through vehicle finance, however, his salary deposit every month, is a pathetic amount. Why you ask? Because his boss is doing things under the table to pretty much avoid the tax man, which has now screwed us. My husband receives about a 1/3 of his salary EFT’d into his bank account, and the balance as cash in his hand. He doesn’t receive a payslip, he doesn’t get UIF or PAYE contributions, and if his work were to close tomorrow, we’d be screwed, because he cannot even go and claim UIF, however piddly the payout would be. Because of this, we cannot get a car.

A lot of people have told me to ‘just go and buy a cheap car to get around in’ but they are just not getting it. There is no point in doing that, because (a) we don’t have the cash to do that, and (b) in 3 and a bit months time, we’re going to have 3 children; space is a necessity! My father-in-law has been really great; setting up meetings with his banker to try and get my husband finance, but last week he was told yet another no. But then when my husband phones his dad to give him an update and then my father-in-law phoned the bank, all of sudden he was told to resubmit everything for them to look at again. I mean seriously?! I do not understand the banking system, and honestly why should I; I have never worked in that sector. But I don’t understand how one person at the bank can say no, and then another person (obviously a bit higher up in the hierarchy) can say ‘let me see what I can do’.

I’m so tired of all of this, and not just because sleep is a very distant memory. I am emotionally drained from this whole situation. I had the car accident; I put my family into this situation. I have tried everything that I can to get us out of it; I have asked for loans, I have asked for friends and family to do the finance in their name and I even contacted my dad for financial assistance, which is something that I really didn’t want to do, as we’re still working on repairing our broken relationship. If I could get car finance believe me, I would. But I’m stuck for the next 2 years or so as I finally get rid of my debt. It’s just a really crappy situation, and I am struggling to find the silver lining in it all. A lesson it has been, believe me. But lesson learnt you know?

Anyway, the day has begun; let me attempt some work.

G