he’s a good man

The husband and I have a unique relationship. We’ve been together for 11 and a bit years; I’m 28 and he’s 33. He has travelled, I have not. He has had to provide for himself; I have always been under someone else’s roof. His nickname for me is “buzzard” and mine for him is “grumpy.” We have the most awful fights; fights that involve swearing, yelling, tears from both of us, and inevitably me considering leaving. But we always find our way back to one another.

Yesterday was not a good day for me. And it actually had nothing to do with him. It has been bugging me a bit as to why he phoned me so early yesterday morning; he phoned me at about 7:30am when we normally speak only at about 9-10am every morning. When I asked him this morning why he phoned me earlier than normal, he said this:

“I could tell that something wasn’t right with you. I needed to know if you were ok.”

Wow people. Just wow. That is not something he does. L is a complicated person at times, and can so often come across as a bit of an asshole to those that haven’t yet gotten to know him. He detests bullshit, and says it like it is. Tact, he has none. He is hard arsed, and a grumpy ass most days, especially in the mornings, and I do sometimes (read a lot of the time) question his love for me, because he doesn’t really show it. He is not a physical person in the sense of coming up to hug me, or just giving my shoulders a rub etc. Our non-intimate physical contact consists of a kiss in the morning when we wake up, a kiss when we get home from work, and a kiss before bed. That is how he shows his love. I’m a relatively affectionate person; at one stage he even referred to me as his “cling-on”! Late last week he came up to me in the kitchen and gave me a hug; a big bear hug and I actually can’t even tell you what I was doing or thinking, because I just stopped! That action simply took my breath away. I remember turning around to face him so that I could return his hug, and it was just wonderful. I then mentioned to him that we need to hug more, and he actually agreed!

I don’t know if it’s how he was brought up or wasn’t brought up, but his lack of loving emotions is something that has concerned me over the years. Let me rephrase; his lack of SHOWING his loving emotions. He very easily expresses his anger and frustration as I think we all do, but love, that’s a bit of a toughie for him. But by doing what he did yesterday; I kinda fell in love with him all over again. I want to throttle him on most days, at the best of times but he is a good man. We were chatting on the weekend, and I asked him that if he looked back to his life 15 years ago, if he thought that he would be here; (happily) married, a beautiful daughter, another 2 babies on the way, his own home (even though rented), his own car, and he simply replied, no. L has been through a lot in his life, especially in his teenage years, and is commonly referred to as the black sheep in his family. We each had such different upbringings; he rebelled, I didn’t. I respected curfews, he didn’t. He dropped out of school; I worked my ass off and got some damn respectable final marks. He tried ending his life. I had a pampered upbringing; he didn’t. Let me rephrase; pampered not in the sense that I had a silver spoon in my mouth, but I never really had to fend for myself. L has been on his own since 15, perhaps younger. But that’s the path that he chose. A section of that path was in a sense forced upon him, but he is ultimately responsible for the decision that he made in his younger years.

We have a far from perfect relationship, but the thought that I get to go home to him every afternoon, reassures me, calms me. Some days it does the complete opposite, like when I have to think of fluffy white unicorns farting glitter to prevent myself from throwing something at him, but the good, as scarce as it sometimes can be, holds so much more than the bad.

To quote the hilariously alcoholic gran in Spanglish

“There are worse things in life than realising that you love your husband.”

G

Yeah, I love him ;)

Yeah, I love him ;)

i had a *minor* meltdown this morning

To put you into context, I haven’t slept properly in 2 days. 48 hours. I am now at breaking point.

My Monday morning started like any other morning; alarm went off at 4am for me to put the geyser on, and again at 5am for me to get up. I was up at 5:10am not because I wanted to be or actually had to be (I did have to be) but because I had been 100% awake since 3am. The same thing happened on Saturday night. I am utterly exhausted. This is pretty much how both Saturday and Sunday night went, but last night I slept on the couch because it has been proving more comfortable than my bed lately:

*Went to bed just before 8pm.
*At 9:30pm considered watching tv. Decided against it.
*After dozing in and out due to the rabbits digging the crap out of their cages (we have a rabbit cage in our bedroom and downstairs in our lounge), at 11:45pm I get up (again; this is the 2nd or 3rd bathroom break), relieve myself and head back to bed.
*12:32am stares at me like a horror story. Cannot sleep. Get up to let dogs out to do their business, as well as do some business of my own. This is bathroom break 6 or 7 for me. I have at this point lost count.
*Managed to doze in and out due to rabbit noises, dog noises and me just being absolutely, 100% uncomfortable and in horrendous pain. Decide against anti inflammatories as my tummy doesn’t agree with them. This is now just after 1am.
*2am comes and goes; I have now hit bathroom break 9 or 10; again I have no idea. Have refilled the rabbits water bowls hoping they’ll stop digging the plastic bottoms of their cages; this works for about the 3mins that they take a water break.
*Just before 3am I’m up again for yet another bathroom break (I have not drunk ANY liquid of ANY form since before 8pm the previous evening) and decided to put the geyser on then, hoping I’ll get some sleep. Reset alarm for 5am.
*Like some sort of sick joke, my body clock wakes me from my highly uncomfortable doze just before 4am, because hey! It’s time to put the geyser on *sigh*
*Toss and turn until 5am, as well as make 2 or so more bathroom breaks, as well as fight for space on either my bed or couch with my little dog as she likes to curl up right by my feet. Which I love. When I’m asleep. Not awake.

Once I was up this morning, I did my usual; swept the floor of all of the sawdust that the rabbits inevitably kick out of their cages, opened the back door for the dogs, got my daughter’s bag packed for school, ran a bath, got dressed, woke my daughter up, got her into the bath, oversaw her getting dressed and brushing her teeth, ironed the husband’s work pants that he asked me to iron at 6:15am and I needed to get out of the house at 6:30am, changed my outfit as my maternity jeans (the really comfy ones) are actually a bit big in the waist and I was continually pulling them up, hauled M-L into the car with her school bag, ran back into the house for my cellphone on the kitchen counter, remembered to buy an electricity token otherwise we’d have run out, and off we went. Fetched my sister, got onto the freeway, dropped M-L at creche, decided to HELL with the preppy mothers at her school that refuse to park decently, thus I decided to park like a total b***h in the turnaround area because I am sick and tired of being one of the ONLY parents who actually respects the limited parking space, almost had words with an impatient mother who almost hit M-L with her car because she was in a rush to leave and was now trying to maneuver her way around my car, almost exploded (not quite like Mount Vesuvius but close) at the one teacher about the whole parking situation and how I’m the only parent who flipping respects everyone else and that I’ve had enough and screw them (I did apologise to her and I sent her a message – I hate taking my bad moods out on innocent bystanders!), dropped my sister off, drove into work and then as I was trying to park, L phoned me.

I burst into tears.

He was obviously concerned and asked me repeatedly what was wrong, to which I explained through huge gulps of tears and air, that I am utterly exhausted; I am now at breaking point and I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Women who breeze through their pregnancies – well SCREW THEM! I am so over the pain, the uncomfortableness, the exhaustion, the fact that I don’t have control over my body anymore! I then listed everything that had happened that morning, and how it took every ounce of strength left in me to not swear him something awful when he asked me to iron his pants, or when he asked me about the electricity. He then started laughing, which made me cry more and I told him that he wasn’t helping me. He then told me that he couldn’t hear me, and kept laughing, but he was trying not to. Anyway, I managed to calm down after he told me to just take a sick day and come home, and I told him that I couldn’t; it wasn’t right plus I just have to get through this month of work and then I’m on 4 months maternity leave.

I normally tolerate pain very well, but I think with me not sleeping well, it is only exacerbating it, making it out to be worse than what it is. My body is not tolerating the pain as well as it normally does. So the pain, mixed with never being comfortable, mixed with exhausted, has almost cracked me. Almost. I’m not loony yet.

But let’s see what tonight holds. If you never see a post from me again, you’ll know that I well and truly lost it!

G

PS: the paragraph where I just typed and typed everything that had happened to me after I woke up is SUPPOSED to be a bit of a jumbled read. ‘Cause that’s pretty much my brain right now.

PPS: the husband phoned me earlier to let me know that he has managed to make a plan, and the 2 rabbits’ cages that were inside the house, are now outside, undercover as we’ve been discussing for the past few months. This makes me very happy :)

dear sean abbott

Before Tuesday the 25th of November 2014, I didn’t know who you were. Heck, I didn’t even know that you existed. But then, neither did I know Phillip Hughes, the man whose life your bouncer took. Yes, that sounds harsh. But that is a fact. What is also a fact, is that it was a freak accident. It wasn’t planned, premeditated. How many hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands of bouncers have been bowled throughout the years that the game of cricket has been alive? Too many to count, and because of the dangers that a bouncer possesses, the ICC (International Cricket Board) has rules in place regarding the frequency that a bouncer can be used during an over, a test match, ODI, T20 etc.

Sean, whilst the victim of this tragedy is of course Phillip Hughes, and the impact that his sudden, tragic passing will have on his family, friends, loved ones and the cricketing world, one cannot forget you. I have seen the footage of when Phillip fell to the pitch, and how you cradled him, the look of fear, remorse, pain etched into your eyes, on your face. The fact that you visited him in hospital on Wednesday, how his family have spoken to you, should hopefully help you find comfort in the fact, that this was nothing more than a tragic, freak accident. All of your teammates, even members of the cricketing fraternity throughout the world have shown their support for you. Sean, I hope that you can find comfort in the coming days. Whilst this will not be easy, the world has forgiven you when there was nothing to forgive. You need to start considering forgiving yourself.

No, I don’t know if Sean Abbott is in fact struggling with the events of Tuesday, but all of the news reports that I have read have only painted him in a positive light, and Sean Abbott is human; to not be battling with something like this tragedy, even though accidental is almost unheard of. Sean, I really do hope that whatever decision you make in your cricketing career, that it is the right one, and that you are able to live your life with your head held high.

I came across the below cartoon on twitter, by a fantastic Indian cartoonist Satish Acharya, and I think that it is highly apt:

Satish Acharya

Satish Acharya

G

part 1 of mocking the jay

It’s been a while since I did a movie review (thanks MNet movies ;) ) but last Wednesday I was a part of the pre-screening release of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1. I had entered to win tickets via MNet Movies about 2-3 weeks prior to the screening, and had seriously forgotten about it, until my mom, husband and I all received emails stating that we’d each won 2 tickets! 6 tickets to one of the most highly anticipated movie releases of the year, AND it was a pre-screening! After putting together a group of 6, off we went to Gateway Shopping Centre in Umhlanga, and a pretty darn cool evening was had.

I am a bookworm. Well, I was. I honestly haven’t picked up a book in years, probably close on a decade. Shocking I know *hangs head in shame*. Normally when a movie comes out that is based on a book, or a series of books, I always read the books first, as I then compare the book to the movie and vice versa. Well, I unfortunately haven’t read The Hunger Games books yet, and I actually haven’t even seen the second move, Catching Fire, even though I have the dvd at home. Shocking, I know… What I really liked about Mockingjay Part 1 is that it kinda didn’t matter. It did help that I’ve seen The Hunger Games, so I at least knew who all of the main characters were, and it was also quite different, as in this film, all of the glitz and glamour and vanity wasn’t there. Which made sense, because the remaining districts, which are pretty much 13 and well, 13, are trying to overthrow The Capitol.

It dragged a little for me in the first say 40 minutes of the movie, because Katniss is feeling so guilty about leaving Peeta behind at the Quarter Quell at the end of Catching Fire, and that’s what the film focusses on, but this movie definitely did not lack action! From The Capitol ordering the utter destruction of District 8 (I think – oops) to Katniss seeing the destruction brought upon her home of District 12, I was definitely kept entertained throughout the film.

I loved, and I mean LOVED the drawing of the Mockingjay outfit; when Katniss put it on I was like, whaaat? But again, the glitz and glamour of the first Hunger Games movie wasn’t present in this film, and it did make sense. And as for Jennifer Lawrence’s acting skills; damn girl! Having not yet seen Catching Fire, I have only seen her portray the phenomenally strong Katniss in the first Hunger Games film; in Mockingjay Part 1 she was 2 apples short of a fruit basket! But then again, after seeing her in Silver Linings Playbook, maybe she’s better at those sorts of roles? Just saying ;)

And as for the ending of the film – OMG. Just OMG.

Overall, I really did enjoy the film, and it was worth the exceptionally late night :) I am rather excited for Part 2 to come out, and seeing as I haven’t read the books yet, that says a lot!

So thanks MNet Movies; see you at the next pre-screening!

G

i passed!

As most of you know, I have been studying towards a Diploma in Packaging Technology. Well you might not have known the Packaging Technology part, but definitely the diploma part! Well today I can officially say that I PASSED THE COURSE! I don’t yet have my diploma, as the presentation ceremony takes place next year, but I received my year end mark today and it is 100% official; I passed! Yeah yeah I failed test 2, but it didn’t count anyway as of the 5 tests, only your top 4 results are taken ;) But I can now ‘officially’ call myself a Packaging Technologist, which is actually flipping scary!

It has been a difficult course; I didn’t get into it as much as I should have, but seeing as I only attended 1 lecture in the second semester due to my car issues, I’m pretty darn chuffed :)

G

I passed!

I passed!

what i miss the most

I’m a runner. I’m a sort of runner. I’m a runner-walker. Well, I was.

Then I got pregnant. With twins.

Now I’m not a runner. Not even sort of a runner. I can barely walk let alone run. So I’m not.

Granted, in my ‘running days’ I was slower than a herd of tortoises trudging through peanut butter, but I loved it. I loved the release that running gave me. I loved my sore calves, my tight thighs, and my heart pounding in my ears. I loved the sweat on my brow, and the feeling of peace when alone.

That is honestly what I miss the most right now. I don’t miss coffee; if I feel like a cup I have a cup. I don’t miss alcohol, but I’m not a big drinker anyway. I don’t miss partying as I stopped my partying ways years ago. I miss running.

Yes, I’ll get back into it and believe me, I will! But with all of the stress that I’ve been under (finances, car etc) I would just absolutely love to go out for a run. At the moment I can barely walk 10m without getting out of breath, so even a 1km run is a no-no.

It seems what I miss the most, is also keeping me sane these days.

Because the thought of my takkies hitting the tarmac again?

*shivers & goosebumps*

G

i feel happy today

I can’t quite put my finger on it.

I feel happy today.

I’m smiling at, well nothing.

I willingly took a selfie. No I took 2 selfies!

I just feel happy today.

The stresses of the past 3 months have almost left my body.

I am feeling comfortable in my pregnancy.

I just feel happy.